Feeling very very down at the moment : - (

[lovefoolb4u]

I don't know where to begin really.

All of my posts recently have been about how I moved to uni in september and I'm finding it hard.

I'm just starting to realise that I barely have any friends here at all. I talk to two of my flatmates, the other ones are recluses pretty much. And everyone in our building upstairs talks to each other, and all of the flats mix, but we don't mix with them at all. I find that so depressing, because I feel that if I'd made more of an effort in Fresher's week I could have made some really good friends upstairs.

I don't have anyone on my course that I would meet up with outside of class times.

University is nothing like how I expected it to be. I didn't end up joining any clubs, because whenever I went I found it really difficult to socialise and talk to new people, and it always seemed to be about drinking.

My socialising skills have done a downward spiral, and I am terrified at the thought of going to parties where I don't know people, or joining new clubs and trying to meet people. I'm feeling really depressed about it.

I talk to my mum about it a lot, but I feel like she might not completely understand because she ended up alone. She doesn't really have any friends and lives alone, and I don't want to end up like her. I just don't know what to do - I can't pluck up the courage to meet new people at all anymore.

Should I just focus on my studying? That's what my mum said I should do, and tbh I have been falling behind a lot recently.

I'd really appreciate some advice, or just some reassurance!

[pinktwink]

yes you need to still focus on study. But hey dont dwell on the past uni is the best time of your life. YOu could seek help to improve your confidence or social skills.Is there a college counsellor? The only way to meet new people is to talk to them. ?Start off slow just saying hi did you have a nice weekend ?
Have you tried joining sporty or academic groups/clubs ahich may not be as drink focused. Try talking to one new person in your course each day.
Dont be too hard on yourself, don't be afraid to take risks and enjoy

[tiggerblue10]

Why don't you suggest to your flatmates that you go down to the local pub for a bit instead of statying indoors and being reclusive. It will be a start and you may meet new people there.

Regardless of what you did during Freshers week you could still introduce yourself to the people upstairs and see if you get on with them.

[Ice.Maiden]

I agree with everything that pink's just said. It's similar to when you start work, or move into your own flat, etc. It can feel like hard work getting to know people, but remember that there are others who feel the same as you do right now.
If you can't bring yourself to follow one of pink's ideas, have you considered leaving your course and taking a gap year? If you could aford to travel for a few months, or simply to get a little job for a bit, your confidence could grow in that time, and then when you return to uni, you'll have a good idea what it's all about and what to do.

[Rosetta]

You have fallen into the "poor me" trap as is evident by your many threads on this matter. You need to break out of this cycle and I would suggest you talk to your GP about some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
In the meantime concentrate on your studies, they are the prime reason you went to Uni

[lovefoolb4u]

Thanks for the answers guys,

It's not that we don't go out - we go out at least once a week clubbing so it's not too bad, and we watch films together etc and have a chat.

As far as I can tell/have heard, most people here seem to join clubs for the opportunity to go to the pub once a week and get wasted. It's just modern culture really!

I also think it's too late this year to join clubs. Maybe I'll learn from my mistakes next year and be a bit more sociable with my building and join a couple of clubs. Maybe I should look at this as being a good thing, something to learn from for the future?

[Ice.Maiden]

Socialising doesn't always have to include pubs/drinking, but if you go out clubbing and watch films together, you don't sound to be doing too badly.

[lovefoolb4u]

I just posted that answer and realised I had two new answers!

Thanks for the suggestion about the gap year, I did think of that before but it's out of the question because of the dedication of the course that I'm on. If I were to drop the course now it would be basically impossible to get back onto it.

What is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? Do you really think I should go to my GP? Only thing is I have a new GP practice here and I don't like them at all, certainly not compared to my old practice!

[Ice.Maiden]

I don't think you need to see a doctor. A confidence-building course could help though.

[pinktwink]

cognitive behavioural therapy focuses on how your thought influence your behaviour. Say telling yourself you can't do something means it is unlikely you will overcome it. However by communicating positive messages to ourselfs we are likely to achieve more.

A good example is you saying its too late to join a club now hence you are likely to enforce this view. If you believe it is never too late to join then you will give it a shot.

[Rosetta]

Love, CBT helps you to learn to think about things in a different way. You have posted on here lots of times with basically the same problem of lack of confidence in socialising. You have been given advice but things haven't relly moved on have they?. Thats why I suggested CBT, which you may have to access through your GP. It might be worth asking however at Uni if this is available. Your Student Union may have information about Counselling services

[~max~]

You're over-analysing. I think either you are shy, and are a bit jealous of other people's ability to "make friends", in which case all you can do is try to join in as much as you can. Or, if you're not shy, I guess you're just looking in the wrong circles.
Maybe try volunteering for a charity in your spare time?

TBH, you can't force people to like you, and you can't force yourself to be someone you are not. Just try to find a comfortable circle, and stop thinking "Uni life" as you see it is the aim you have to achieve. Some people are just not made for it. You can have fun doing your own things.

[lovefoolb4u]

Thanks for the advice everyone. Feeling a bit better now actually!

I thought about maybe buying something like this before actually moving on to direct therapy, to see if it helps?

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Social-Anxi ety-Shyness-Behavioural/dp/1854877038

[pinktwink]

a book will only reinforce all the advice you have been given you need to focus on the practical and get out there and do it

[~max~]

I think TALKING to someone is what you should aim for, sweetie. Reading a book might have *some* impact, but I think you should go to your GP to be possibly referred.
Talking is the first step!

[Ice.Maiden]

You could start by practising on AB!!! Get into lots of different conversations, and then carry it on in day-to-day life. : )

[Rosetta]

And sometimes you need someone to help you through it.

Hey Pinktwink. I used to be in the same business as you, though latterly with adults. Can you tell?

[pinktwink]

yes Rosetta great minds think alike or is it fools seldom differ!!!!!! lol

I am in child protection

[Rosetta]

Yes, Pinktwink i've seen your posts before lol. I started off in Children and Families which included some Child Protection. I don't envy you though.

[pinktwink]

surprisingly I love it am a team manager so pretty stressful but interesting

[Miss Chief]

I think you may be being a bit harsh on the clubs and societies - yes a lot of them will involve being invited out for a drink on the odd (!) occasion, but a lot of other things go on too! There's nothing to be terrified of - no one knew each other when they started there.

I was isolated at uni - lived in a shared house rather than halls in my first year and really wished I hadn't.

Do you like any sports? If so, join the club at the uni - you'll already have something in common with the other members.

Cook a meal for the guys in the flat upstairs and your flatmates - say you're trying out a new recipe (or something)

Organise a trip to Alton Towers/Ice Skating/Bowling and invite loads of people

Get a part time job - you'll meet loads of people through that.

There's a lot of things you can do - and I don't agree with your Mum - yes you need to concentrate on studying, but I know what it's like to be unhappy at Uni - it's not good!!!