Depressed and stressed husband...

[bowannabow]

My husband is a lovely man who suffers severely with stress and gets very low at times. He is particularly wound up at the moment as we are trying to buy a home and the money is not coming together instantly. We're both sick of waiting and living in rented accommodation but it's affecting him really badly and he's really really irritable, angry and we keep having massive rows. I'm trying to be supportive but because he's having a go at me about small things and is generally so down it's really hard. Does anyone have any advive on how I can help him and how I can make our day to day lives easier?

Many thanks

[sara3]

house buying and seller is known to be way up on the stressy list!

if your husband already suffers with depression I would suggest maybe a trip to the doctor. a short course of something might lift the fog a little.

[cherrybea]

Maybe he should have a word with his gp bowanna as this situation is affecting both of you. If he's really depressed he might need an anti depressant,even short term.

[cherrybea]

Snap sara!

[sara3]

snap indeed, Dr. Cherry!

[Scarlett]

This is an alternative suggestion- I wouldn't go the drugs route cos depression pills can sometimes make people worse. I think he is actually being very selfish and the way to snap him out of this is to give him a good talking to. It sounds like you are trying to appease him and be nice and sweet and empathic. He needs a shake and to be told to get a grip. Everyone has stress in their lives and taking it out on those closest to you is a weak and cowardly way to deal with it. I would shout at him! Tell him that you are going through this too and it's about time he stopped behaving like a baby and learnt to deal with adult responsibilities. It's just life. You can keep it in perspective by breaking the routine- go and see a great movie, have a meal or go dancing!! Or have vigorous sex! But don't let him take it out on you as it will make YOU ill eventually. I have seen too many women endure this type of behaviour (my Mum, both my sisters, my best mate) and the men just need to get a bloody grip!!

[Hazel104]

Scarlett, you can not give people that suffer from depression 'a good shake' and tell them to snap out of it. It is an illness; please remember that, not something you choose to suffer from.

Bowannabow I agree with sara3 and cherybea persuade him to go to his GP if he is not comfortable with the idea of taking meds then at least they may be able to point him in the direction of a good counsellor to give him an outlet to vent his frustration and help put things into perspective for him which hopefully in turn will stop him taking things out on you.

I know it can be hard but hang on in there and remember you need to talk to someone as well as it will make it easier for you to be calm when he is venting at you. Try not to take anything he says personally as you know he does not mean them he just needs a little help coping while you are going through something that most people find hard but because he suffers from depression and stress it is twice as hard for him. Take care.

[Scarlett]

Hazel; the question states that he suffers from "stress" not depression. They are completely different things. Depression is not even mentioned in the question, and if it was I would have answered differently.

My Dad was like this the whole time when I was growing up. Stressed out, angry over tiny things, unable to cope with anything and thus got angry over the smallest things. He took it out on me and my sisters and my Mum. My Mum crawled round him trying to make him happy- and it never worked. What she should have done is been frank with him and told him to stop taking out his stress on his family, and deal with it!

[LoftyLottie]

Scarlett, I do not think you truly understand what depression is. Depression can definitely take the form of severe stress and anxiety. I know because I suffer from it, and without medication I can act exactly like bowannabow's husband. My anti-depressants make me far more stable and less stressed.

Too many people think depression is only indicated by withdrawn behaviour and being miserable all the time. It is far more complex.

Shouting at someone and telling them how badly it is affecting or suggesting going out dancing, etc. will solve nothing whatsoever.

I think you sound angry as you have experienced how your fathers stress severely affected your family and can understand how you feel. However, perhaps your dad suffered from depression and it wasn't diagnosed.

I too agree with Sara and Cherrybea.

[pusspuss]

http://www.pregnancy-depression-help.com/stres s-and-depression.html

www.depressionforums.org/forums/Stress-depression-linked-t4446.html - 197k

[LoftyLottie]

Good link pusspuss.

[Scarlett]

I understand what you are saying, but I have had years of experience of men treating my female relatives and friends in this way, and it MAY NOT be depression! It may be and yes, my Dad may have had depression, but I think personally he had issues and unresolved anger which he took out on anyone weaker than him. My sister had a boyfriend who would make a huge fuss over the slightest thing. I still work with him and he is awful to work with- always in a mood, blaming everyone else, flying off the handle. I cannot give "depression" as a reason for all the men I know who are rude and short-tempered to their partners! Believe me, I do understand depression, but there was no mention of it in the question, and to me, bow's husband sounds exactly like my Dad, and several other men I have known. I don't believe they all had depression.

[LoftyLottie]

Scarlett, bowannabow says her husband feels very low at times, which indicates depression. She actually says he 'suffers' from stress and irritability as opposed to acting angrily for no reason and he is dealing with a lot of problems at the moment. Some people can act rationally and calmly when they have problems and others can't. I can't!!

You seem to have come across a lot of angry and stressed men. Women can be just as bad. When I get stressed out I know I make the people close to me miserable. We always take it out on those closest to us because we can.

I agree not all angry and stressed people suffer from depression, but a lot do and it goes unrecognised.

[Rosetta]

Bowannabow you mention twice that he is "low" and "down" which may be symptoms of depression. There may be other symtoms so what he needs to do is go and see his Gp who will assess him, and prescribe medication if he feels it appropriate. If it is effecting him and you in your day to day life it needs nipping in the bud.
There is evidence that exercise can help as can other strategies but again the GP can advise

Good luck, let us know how you are both doing