my ex

[Soph20]

Please let me have your thoughts and opinions on this.

I was with my ex for 4 years on and off. I really loved him but he was manipulative and mentally abusive. I have finally made the break from him and haven't seen him for 10 months. He has been in touch sending stupid messages but I didn't let them develop. Now today he drove past me in town then sent me a text saying he missed me and wanted me to pop over for a chat.

I have always wanted to remain friends with him but am not sure if we can as worried about him being in control and being abusive and letting myself down.

I told him it would be nice to see him but that I was worried of putting myself in a vulnerable position and how i might feel. I told him to let me think on it (popping over/meeting up)

I don't want to get back with him but maybe he does with me.

What would you all do

[daffy654]

Agree to meet him somewhere for coffee,don't go over to his place or have him come to yours.I definitely wouldn't be getting back with him as the reasons you left him will still be an issue.

[Marijn]

He does sound manipulative... he said HE wanted YOU to pop over for a chat. He should've said "when can I see you?" If you'd have said he could see you, he should then ask... where. He does seem controlling. Why does it matter to you if he wants to get back with you, if you DON'T want to get back to him. He probably does want to get back with you.

[Soph20]

Thanks Daffy. I was thinking this may be a good idea and its meeting him half way. I would love to absolutely love to see him but ONLY and i mean ONLY as a friend and a catch up. I have done the toing and froing backwards and forwards together not together and I DO NOT want that again. It caused me so muich heartache and has taken me this 10 months to finally start being happy again. I am kinda worried about going backwards and letting myself down.

What if I meet him and he is mentally abusive in the coffee shop and then I feel really bad with myself for putting myself in the situation?

[4getmenot]

Dont do it, you seem to be stronger than you were before, so have some backbone and say no. xx

[daffy654]

If you meet up and he is mentally abusive to you then just get up and walk away.It would be harder to do that at his place or yours but in a public place you can just up and leave and he can't stop you.Make sure it is a busy coffee shop or cafe where there are plenty of exits and sit fairly close to the door.You are the one in control here and make sure he knows that!

[Soph20]

notafish he said ' morning, u look nice, u should pop over. Car looks alright as well x'

Then I said ' thanks v much how r u, am trying to sell car at mo, unsure about popping round. what for? x'

He said '2 b honest i miss u and would like a chat and for you to be boating buddy x'

I said ' it would be nice to see you and catch up but am worried about putting myself in ulnerable position and how i mite feel. I will think on it and let you know'

He said ' I would like that, for you to think about it. Like I said it would be nice to catch up and I would like you to be my boating buddy x'

[RevFunk]

Call me stupid but an ex is an ex for a reason.

I don't buy all this "lets stay friends", you fall out for a reason hence why the need to still be "mates"

10 months apart mmmm I dont suppose he's been involved with someone else during this time, they've ditched him so he thinks he'll try again with you.
P
ersonally I would ignore him and change my number.

[Soph20]

It is not my intention to encourage him. He knows I don't want to get back with him. But he seems to ignore this. I want to be friends with him but don't think it possible with him being like he is. He did treat me terrible sometimes.

[Marijn]

His wording says it all...... "you should pop over". He's telling you what you SHOULD do. And he is expecting YOU to come to HIM.
Are you the lady who had a post about feeling so unconfident at work? Maybe he is the cause of your lack of confidence.
It does sound like he wants to get back with you.

[Velvetee]

It sounds to me, like he is trying manipulating you again. If he was abusive towards you, I don't understand why you would want to be friends with him, I certainly wouldn't want an abusive friend.

You have managed without him for 10 months and although you say you don't want to get back with him, if you meet up with him, you may find yourself being convinced it's the right thing to do.

I think you should just get on with your life and have no more to do with this guy, I don't see how meeting him will benefit you.

[RevFunk]

Your answering the question yourself, i.e. he takes no notice of you.

Trust me AVOID!

[4getmenot]

and also you say you dont think it is possible for you to be friends with him being like this. There you go then, dont be friends, in fact delete his number.

[Soph20]

Yes I am the girl who is not very confident but I don't think this is the reason. He did make me feel bad but I haven't let it take over my life.

In my heart of hearts I do want to meet him but I do also think I gave him loads of chances when I kept getting back with him and I told myself no more chances but here I am considering meeting him albeit not to get back with him but still considering.

On the other hand what if he has changed and what if the companionship I have always wanted to have could be, if I don't meet him I will never know.

[IggyB]

so you're happy now and worried that meeting up will make you unhappy - you don't want to get back together with this man (apparently) so the question really is will he make up even happier as a friend... and as he is abusive to you i would suggest that he won't... so why meet up, why even bother talking to him as he does really sound like friendship material - plus most relationships that end (even if they end well) never develop into healthy friendships.

i think you need to spend less time thinking about his motives and a bit more time thinking about your own motives for sending vulnerable sounding texts and wanting to meet back up

[Marijn]

If you've been seeing him since you were sixteen, then he's going to have had an effect on you, whether you realise it or not.
There are loads of nice men out there in the world. He isn't your only chance.
I had a four year relationship with a manipulative man, I was very vulnerable at the time. If I was meeting him today for the first time, I wouldn't give him a second look.

[Soph20]

I think if I am being honest I don't think I should meet him. Maybe if we bump into each other and go have a coffee but not actually arrange it.

This is all new to me kinda, like its the only relationship and break up ive been through and im not quite sure what should happen after the break up. I wanted to remain friends as he does have a nice side and we were great companions.

Some people seem to be able to remain friends after a break up and I wanted this.

I can't get my head round the thought that I might never ever see him again. It just seems so final

[Soph20]

I do have strong feelings for him yes but I honestly dont want him back, I realise he is no good for me. I just want to stay in touch with him. I know it seems weird after what he put me through but I would rather stay in touch with him. It is more strange to me to think that people never ever see their exes after they split. I just think thats so sad.