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Fiancee looking at internet porn...

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Peghead | 10:13 Wed 15th Mar 2006 | Body & Soul
8 Answers
Last night I I got home slightly early and found that my fianc�e was looking at porn on the internet. I was mainly upset because he's been unhappy at work and had gone home early to look for another job on Tuesday and Wednesday - both these times he was looking at porn and didn't bothering look for a job once. It made me feel like a complete mug as I was sitting at work feeling really sorry for him and in my lunch breaks trying to help him look for a job from my computer instead of going out for lunch like I normally do.

On top of that, this is the first time I've ever found him looking at something like this and as stupid as it sounds I feel quite uncomfortable about it - I really don't want to be, but I just don't know how to get over it. I know that loads of men (and women) really enjoy it, but in my head I keep thinking that next time we're having sex and his eyes are shut he'll be picturing all those women he was looking at.

I hate being like this, has anyone else had this problem? What can I do to help myself get over it? Other than this our relationship is really strong. I've tried talking to him about this and he knows how I feel, but I don't know how I can change and I know it's me that needs to. I don't think it helps because I feel so disappointed in him about the whole supposed to be finding a job thing.


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Hi Peghead.

Probably makes no sense, but here's my two penneth: if he's unhappy at work, even though he desperately wants to find another job, he might just be totally peed off, fed up and unmotivated to do anything practical, so although he might have sat down at comp with the intention of looking for a job, he just couldn't be bothered and porn seemed more fun (which it would be-job hunting is horrid!). I doubt he's done it deliberately to upset you. I know you are only trying to help him aswell, but he may feel under even more pressure to get another job which again can have the reverse effect.

Question Author

Thanks Teag1rl, I really needed to hear some sound advice. I'm sure you're probably right. I suppose I'm just feeling a bit down in general and this was just the icing on the cake so I'm taking personally.

Thanks again

There's nothing weird, nothing worrying, I don't think. Basically all men like looking at porn. Bit of a generalisation but roughly true. It doesn't signify anything else - your relationship could be going swimmingly and he might still access the odd website or watch the odd video. No problem - and no connection to what's happening in his relationship or in his life.

Hi Peghead, I think teag1rl is on the money with that response. 99% of men will check out porn if it's available, and I understand that this is one of the areas where men's and women's approaches differ.

To set your mind at rest, looking at porn does not signify any problem in your relationship, and visual fantasy does plays an important in men's sexuality, but it doesn't mean he'd rather be with a porn image (and that is what they are) than you, it doesn't work like that.

With regard to his accessing porn when he should have been job-hunting, it is obviously a preferable option, given that he feels low and just fancied a little diversion.

I don't think you need to 'change' your attitude to what he has done - hopefully he will get a job, and this blip will pass. Try to see his attraction for net porn in context - it's there, he may look at it, because men do, but it really is not an indication that he would rather do that than be with you.

I am sure you will assimilate this episode, if your relationship is strong, you will both get past it, and you must avoid thinking that this is 'your fault' - it absolutely is not. Hope this helps.

If I was depressed and I had the option of coming home to an empty house and EITHER looking for jobs or eating a big cake, I would of course, eat the cake. Porn on the internet for most men, is like a little boy being in a sweet shop. It is fascinating, compelling and a little bit naughty- plus you never know what you are going to find. He would have used this time with the PC as a time to "escape"/let off steam, or just try and cheer himself up- like I would have done with the cake.

Most men understand the difference between porn and real life. They KNOW that the women are faing it, and they are probably only doing the modelling to get their kids through school or to buy extra xmas presents for the in laws. Porn is fantasy. And what comes into your boyfriend's mind during sex is for him and him alone to know. (Women are far more into the romance of sex.)

I would forget it. Treat it as a silly hobby that means nothing, and only acts to cheer him up every now and again. Also tell him that you are not comfortable with it, and if he has to do it, you don't want to know about it. Would he like it if you sat on the sofa reading all your old love letters from ex boyfriends??!!

It is upsetting if you are not used to it, but to be honest I have had lots of very close relationships with men (not sexual but just very close confidante type things) and I don't think there is a man around who doesn't look and quite a few women look too. The thing is ... one has two choices when it comes to sex ... either you hide from your partner and have a secret sex life of a kind, or you don't tell them, and if you make this into a big thing he will then feel guilty for what after all, are very natural urges .... the thing is porn is now available at the click of a button and you can't put the genie back in the box. The days of the plain brown envelope are gone. What you might do is find out more about what your partner is looking at, and somehow incorporate that into your relationship. It is not an easy thing I know, but it is the best way forward, after all even though he is your partner you do not own his mind and he cannot help being a red blooded male. It has absolutely zero bearing on his love or feelings for you. What you are feeling is a form of jealousy really, and that is understandable, but it is better to 'let it have its head' if you'll pardon the pun rather than fight against it and become all bitter and worried .......

Question Author

Thanks to everyone for your answers. I think more than anything I really needed to get things off my chest. I feel so much better now, you've all been really kind and your advice what exactly what I needed to hear.

I suppose it was a case of "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't".

Thanks again x

When a man STOPS looking at porn, that's the time to worry!

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