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Bereavement Help Please !

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NoseyNose | 16:55 Mon 20th Nov 2023 | Body & Soul
152 Answers


My Gay partner of nearly 50 years,died very suddenly last Thursday(16th November) from heart attack, while shopping with me in Sainsbury's.The Medics did their best,but to no avail.

I am completely lost.

We live in a remote part of the country,and he was the only driver.

There are so many things that I have to do,but we don't know anyone around here.

I have contacted the friends that I thought would help.

But none of them suggested visiting me,I just need some human contact,and help.

I am feeling very sucidal,I haven't eaten or drunk much since that horrible Thursday.

I called 999, was taken by ambulance on Friday to the Conquest Hospital.but they just left me on couch(for 4 hours),knowing full well that I was Diabetic(no food etc) also Bipolar,I discharged my self.

Luckily my partners brother had come down(and took me back home),but after two days(without any advice) he went back to his home in Yorkshire(we are in East Sussex)

ANY comfort or practical advice would help.

This is a real cry for help, I cannot go on like this.

I have realised that Bill will not come back, and as he organised evertything for 49 years,I don't think I can go on without him.

I am in a deep dark place,and can only think of one way out.




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With no specific request from him & having read that Gordon's situation is known to the authorities; also after a long chat with an old & trusted friend, I now think that my offer could conceivably complicate matters.Therefore - for now, at least - sadly, I feel that withdrawing gracefully is the correct thing to do.  I hope neither Gordon nor my fellow AB'ers...
15:51 Fri 24th Nov 2023

Good idea from Barry.  

Question Author


As far as we can see my partner did not make a will, I was always on at him to do so, but he just brushed it aside.

The property is rented(24 years here) and the owners(who live on Guernsey) are very nice,but I cannot see them letting me live on a half rent.I do get rent benefit,but of course it only covers my half of the rent.This is just one of the things that are pushing me down.

I will list them briefly:

His brother will hopefully arrange the funeral

Car to be collected from Sainsburys car park(20 miles away)I don't drive (so you need two drivers)The managers at Sainsbury's have been really nice,and the car has special stickers on(for breaved)

DVLA to be notified,and car insurance company

Santander to let me know what I can have fron Billy's savings(nothing probably)standing orders on Billy's account to be changed.

House owner to let me know where I stand with tenacy,which was joint.

It's these as nearly as much as the big bad hole of emotion I am in,and they certainly do not help one bit.

I try and lay down to sleep, but it all goes round and round in my mind,which actually makes it worse.

So I sleep very little, in my bed or the armchair,and am up most of the night.Oddly,TV is a godsend as it distracts my mind.

Oh,re medication:

I DO take it,and have great dosage box,so I do not forget.

Again Billy sorted all the pills into the box,so now I have to learn what and when they are.

Lithium for Bi Polar

Omeprazole for Hiatus Hernia

Meformin for Diabetes(Type 2)

and sometimes Imodium,as the Metfotmin causes loose bowels!

So you can see how much of a shock it was when Billy collapsed in Sainbury's and died,we always assumed(given my medical history)that I would go first.

Billy really looked after me,but I realsie that he xcluded many friends etc to care for me,so I am now a bit of a stateless person.

He really spoilt me,but by doing so he left me abandoned,with no way of knowing what to do.

Now I feel a big sobbing session coming on,and so I will see you all later.

Thank You folks!


Question Author

I WILL call Cruse,when they are open again.

I called the Samaritans,but short of bringing Billy back from the dead,their answers were not a lot of help.He did offer a "follow up call" but I declined, becauseI feel I get more help here.

It is imperative that you eat regularly, whether you want to or not.  Out of control diabetes will not help

You have made a great start with the lists. Sorry to hear the Samaritans were not much help but you've been given some great tips & links on here.

Hang on... One minute at a time if you have to.   Eventually it will be an hour, then a day.....  Use every bit of help you can, Samaritans, gay helplines, your GP, Age Uk, , You can learn, even after 50 years to own your own life, create a world that works for you going forward. But not today... Not tomorrow, bit by bit.  It might be switching to online shopping... Learning which bills are paid when... Don't expect people to know what you need, you need to ask, you may be surprised how much help you will get.

Right.... benefits. Get onto one of the online benefits checkers to find out what help is available Age UK have a good one  You may be entitled to the rest of your rent as housing benefit but you won't know until you apply, you should apply for the bereavement payments, it was  £100 pcm  for 18 months when my husband died.   I am assuming you get disability benefits,  


So very sorry to hear this. I used to have a house in Peasmarsh and might be able to suggest assistance if you are near there

The Samaritans unfortunately now aren't allowed to advise.  They can point out where you can get advice and be good listeners and report it if they think you are about to commit suicide.  They are not what they used to be unfortunately.  

Do keep in touch with us Nosey x

Noseynose - one tiny step at a time is all you need.  Eventually, little steps add up and - wow - you've run the marathon!  Stay with us and others.🙂  Settle to sleep - that helps, even if you don't sleep.

Question Author

Well guys,

It's one step forward,and one step back!

I contacted the AA about retrieving the car from Sainsbury's(Bybrook) to our home.

After a phone call lasting nearly half an hour,all they could offer me was £ 30.00 for the taxi fare to take me to Bybrook( with a person who can drive) and they could drive the Berlingo back here.I don't know anyone near here who can do this.

I do have an alternative though(I think) from an acquaintance near Tenterden,who might help me.This is rather involved,as they have to pick me up, drive to Sainsbury's,and then drive the Berlingo back here.This would need two drivers(plus me),I shall put feelers out.

Another question,two actually.

I assume that the car insurance will just run out,I don't ned to renew it?

As I am going to SORN the car when it returns home.

My partner was an AA member for 27 years,with only 3 call outs,and so not much for help from the AA.

Thank You,you wonderful guys.


Well done, small steps - moving forwards. Easiest thing is just to let the car ins. expire - but  keep an eye out for when they try to reinsure... just deal with it as it happens.

SORN - good - you've started thinking.  There is a time to mourn and these will happen, so accept them and afterwards keep moving.  

We're all on your side.😀 Billy is also - and  will be glad to see you becoming yourself  and surviving.

Night night Nosey.  Give us daily postings when you can.  It will do you good to write it down and we all want to help.  I've had a lot of help over the past few years from some lovely people on here.  

can your friend come to you, then you both getthe taxi over?

So sorry to hear of all this Nosey - I cannot  imagine what you are going thru. But you are making great steps even just this evening. Keep a pen and paper nearby, and every time you think of something that you want to ask, or get advice on, just jot it down. Don't think about next week, or nxt month, just focus on getting thru to tomorrow. And you WILL get thru this, as hard as it seems. x

ps we have just gone thru a similar thingas a family-my dad died - not quite as suddenly as your love, but 4 weeks from diagnosis to death.  He ws the driver, the money person, the sorter of stuff while mymum did the cooking, ironing, washing etc.

She like you is suddenly facing life alone without her 50+yrs partner but is a couple of months further on than you.  she is slowly earningt to do the sorting of stuff and getting there ... most people will give you time to sort things financially.  of course it's "easier" for her because they were married, and he had a will but the emotional stuff if very much getting her down ATm

Oh bednobs, am so sorry to hear about your dad x

Hi nosey.   I am so sorry to hear of your sad loss.  Life can be so difficult, but honestly, nothing is impossible.  As time passes you will learn to cope a little at a time.   I know this sounds ridiculous, but it's not.    I have been in almost the same position as you.  I lost my husband and then my son.   You will be able to get on with life.  It's possible.   You get used to being on your own, and after a while you will find one or two things to do, and you will cope.  I have diabetes like you and angina, but you will be able to get on with things.     I wish you a lot of luck, and I am thinking of you. 

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