Soul Mates

[Scarlett]

Is it possible to be married and to meet someone (of the opposite sex) who you get on so well with that they become your new best friend? Or does that not happen, because your wife/husband should automatically be your best friend?

What would you do if your other half made a new best friend who just happened to be of the opposite sex? Would this threaten you?

[andy-hughes]

My best friend is of the opposite sex, although we have known each other for thirty-four years, so I knew her long before I met and married my wife.

I don't think your wife or husband should automatically be your clkosest friend, although in most cases they are. Some people, and i am one, need someone to keep all their secret hopes and dreams, and secrets(!) which does not threaten their spusal relationship, it is simply an extra person in their life that they feel they can turn to at certain times.

The only time this becomes a threat is if the person feels that their closest friend should actually be their spouse - that would not happen in my case - from either of us - but as always, i can only speak from experience, what works for one person may not work for another.

So, to answer your question - yes it is possible, but everyone needs to live by the rules.

[Goodsoulette]

Im sure its fine I have a gay male friend who I consider to be my soulmste (he just calls me his hag mind), I think you can but sexual attraction has to be totally eliminated. Whether you know it or not generally one is thinking about havibg sex with the other. I quite believe the whole when Harry met Sally thing.

Now I am married I seek out female friends instead of male, I would not want my partner telling anothe rwoman as much as he tells me or more. I would be very jealous.

[Scarlett]

Andy, just out of interest, what does your wife think about your old flame being your soulmate?

[maggie01]

I have seen this happen and I don't think it can work. It's ok if the special friend is friends with you spouse also. But your partner should be the one you tell your worries, dreams etc to not a best friend. Andy, your wife must be very understanding because I know I wouldn't be.

[Englishbird]

I'm female and my best friend is female, she's just got married, her and I are very very close (in a totally non sexual way) and I even think at times her now husband has felt slightly threatened (?!) or jealous of me. I can't see how it would work if I was male, and know it wouldn't work at all if I was a straight male - or a lesbian for that matter.

I agree with maggie, andy - your wife must be a saint! I couldn't do it. My ex-boyfriends best friend was a girl, and despite a shaky start, we ended up as very good friends, but he knew her first. I think it would be even harder if you were already married and your partner then made a best friend of the opposite sex.

[Lonnie]

I have to concur with maggie and Englishbird, i'm of the school that thinks its almost impossible for a man and woman to bu 'just friends', one or t'other will fancy, or have thoughts 'just friends' shouldn't have, but keep quiet about it.

A thread following on from this.

[Drusilla]

I could understand a man having a female best friend from childhood, or his college days and maintaining that friendship throughout his later, married life, but I'm not sure a married man is likely to make a 'new' best friend who happens to be female after he has married.
When would he get the time to develop the bond necessary to become best friends without raising suspicion in his wife.
Additionally, I don't think a partner should be your best friend. Best friends are there to discuss in complete confidence the difficulties you experience with your partner.
I also have a problem with mothers and daughters who profess to be best friends, but that's another matter.

[Englishbird]

Also, the other way round, most women are not attracted to men because of their physicality, more their spirit. So if she were to find a 'new best friend' in a man, she would see a lot in him for him to be worthy of being a best friend, whatever she see's in him could easily develop into more than 'just friendship'.

[Miss Zippy]

I agree with Drusilla. Whilst I don�t feel threatened by my bf�s close friendships with a couple of women he has known for 10 plus years since Uni (and he doesn�t feel threatened by my long standing opp sex friendships), if he were to develop a brand new close friendship with a woman now, I would feel pretty miffed (and I know he would feel the same if the tables were turned). He has enough friends to socialise with and confide in that I would suspect that this �new best friend� would be fulfilling something that is missing from our relationship. I think generally speaking, if a man and a woman who are both in relationships actively pursue a friendship with each other (I�m not talking about general socialising with colleagues etc, because that�s different, I mean two people regularly meeting up and doing things together), then they want something to happen!

[nfn]

i have 2 extremely good male friends. there is nothing remotely sexual about our relationship and there never would be. One is gay, the other very happily married. The now married friend was the the first person I told I was pregnant (even before quibbmed) simply because he's my big un-brother! He answers the phone hello sis, i say hello bruv! So a resounding YES men and women can and should be just friends. Incidentally his wife doesn't mind in the slightest, she knows how we feel about each other!

That said, an ex as a good friend? Not sure I'd be quite so understanding