Can you be friends with someone you're still in love with?

[bowannabow]

We split up a 5 months ago (his choice) and get on ok now.. Though I am currently getting mixed messages from him - he says he misses me and talks about the past (including the sex!), then acts as if we're just mates when we see each other. I want to move on but am struggling to do so.

Its very hard to avoid each other totally as we work in the same office! any advice woud be very welcome.

[andy hughes]

Friendship after a relationship is tricky, and in your case, not helped by the fact that you have to see him, whether you want to or not.

It sounds like you want to move on, but maybe still harbour some feelings, and he isn't helping you, albeit innocently, but reminders of what you were together doesn't help.

I suggest you minimse contact with him where possible. Be professional, and polite, but don't encourage conversation - walk away as soon as you politely can, and keep all talk to business only.

He should get the message. If he pesters - tell him straight that it's over and you want him to behave as if it is - which is what you are doing.

If you still have strong feelings for him, and he pesters, then the two of you need to have a conversation.

[dawg_kane]

personally i have never been able to carry on a friendship with someone i have been in a relationship with.

sometimes i think its a shame because u have got to know that person so personally, i feel its a waste sometimes.

that being said the transistion between two different types of realtionships is difficult and there will always be one person who wants things to be the way they used to be.

i agree above, limited time together to begin with is best, difficult i know since u work together...if it works for you then good luck...like i said personally i cant do it and i try to move one without them!

[lilyfrog]

To be honest, I believe that appart from a few exceptions it is virtually impossible to be friends with an ex after you have split up. The dumper wants to remain friends to ease their guilt and because it is nice to have someone who still wants you maybe a little bit. The dumpee tends to still want to be friends because they still harbour feelings for their ex and hope that through friendship they can rekindle their relationship.

Chances are once you do manage to get over him and move on then you will no longer feel the need to remain a friend and the intimate little chats about the past will cease.

He sounds as if he is just keeping you hanging around to boost his ego and as soon as he meets someone else you will either be shunned or have your nose rubbed in his new relationship untill his ego is well and truly happy.

For your own well being I would put an end to any contact other than that which absolutley cannot be avoided in the office. Once you have both mooved on and have no feelings about each other or the past you may decide to be friends, but at he moment it sounds like it is more than friendship you want!!

[LazyGun]

As the other posters have mentioned, it can be very tricky. I have amicable and friendly relationships with a couple of women I have been out with in the past, but this didnt occur immediately after the breakup.The friendship phase has developed after a period of not contacting each other, in both cases.

It must be difficult being in the same office... I was given some sage advice many moons ago, and it was never make a mess on your own doorstep.

Theres nothing to say you cant remain friendly, but I think you have to make it clear that you wish to move on, and topics of conversation should exclude past intimate moments etc.

[MangoPete]

Experts say you should not even have contact with someone who has broken up with you for a least 30 days, a recent book recommends at least 60.
However in your situation that is impossible.
What others have said here is good advice, Be polite but don't enter into conversation .
if you want to express how you feel you may write a letter telling him that if he cared for you to now respect you and to give you the space you need. it maybe possible to be friends sometime in the future but for now you need to be allowed to have your own space.
Writing a letter allows you to say what you want without being interrupted of the other party trying to use it as a way to control the situation.
You are in control, you are entitled to your own space to get your head clear.
Take care and be strong.

[bowannabow]

Many thanks to you all for your sounds advice.

I shall be putting it into practice!