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I'm Grieving For My Dad (Yet I Always Felt Unloved By Him) , But I'm Angry Too And Pushing Away My Partner. My Mental Health Is Suffering, Badly. Is This All Normal?

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Anne1977 | 15:20 Sat 25th Jan 2020 | Body & Soul
12 Answers
Hello everyone.
I'm 42 and my mother and father separated when I was 18 (I witnessed a lot, but no one knows) Anyhow, my two younger brothers and I were brought up the old fashioned way, mum looked after us, dad was always at work, and struggled with any affection.
When I was 18,i heard mum say to dad she wanted 'space' he called her bluff and said we'll get a divorce. She didn't want that. So dad went on holiday with my 2 brothers and met a single mother of 2, who lived 200 miles away.
She was 10 yrs younger so I guess dad was flattered.
She persistently called him when they returned home, and when I met her, she was quite off with me. She was very controlling and moved around our furniture in our family home within days. I could see she had an agenda even then.
Eventually, she got her way, and my dad sold our family home worth £350000 leaving my mum with nothing (I know, she was fleeced) She now lives in a council flat.
He moved 200 miles away with money from our family home that paid for his new life.
For the following 20 yrs he kept in contact, rarely coming to see us, even when I had just had his first grandchild and my husband had left me.
My dad's now new wife made it clear she didn't like me.
I continued to try and get my dad to show the fatherly love that I craved by calling him. I desperately wanted him to be the doting grandfather - he wasn't.
His wife made it so that I couldn't see him in his new home 200 miles away.
I've always been a proud single mum, worked, and tried to build a future.
I was made unexpectedly homeless by my so called friend and subsequently lived in a women's refuge with my daughter ... My dad never stepped up to help me.
I eventually got a home, but 2 yrs ago couldn't afford my rent, so I reluctantly asked dad, his response? 'I'll have to talk to' her', how much of a direct debit can you set up to pay us back? '
That was it. I stopped contact.
3 months later he was diagnosed with lymphoma. So I reached out again. His prognosis was good. We remained in regular contact.
He was given the all clear last Feb, but it came back 3 months later. Again prognosis was good.
I booked a hotel to go and see him in August. Then something went wrong, and he developed sepsis in Nov . My brother's and I travelled up and down to see him. I held his hand, he told me he loved me (I think he thought he was dying) I stayed by his side throughout.
He pulled through then on 6th Dec was admitted again. His wife rarely updated us on his condition, so I spoke to the hospital, and it was agreed, there was nothing they could do.
So he died in Dec, I was by his side throughout (he died at home so it was awkward) nonetheless I did it out of love.
I never felt loved by him, and was certainly resented by his wife.
He was buried on 21st Dec. It was so hard pretending to be happy for my daughter.
I reached out to his wife, sending her gifts and calling etc.
On Thursday I found out he hadn't left a will (he was such a sensible, logical man too

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It all sounds very normal, Anne. You did all you could. He didn’t do all he could.
You have had a huge amount to del with and you have tried and given so much and got very little back in the way of love or recognition of hour efforts. It's understandable that you are angry at not having any proper closure with your father. If your mental health is suffering it may be time to seek some help from your GP and perhaps you could be referred to a counsellor.
Your grief is on so many levels, you are grieving for the Father you wish you'd had and also the one who died - try not to push your partner away and seek some help if you aren't coping.
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I agree with ML, what is do is try to remember the better times with your father, that works for me
You have had the strength to cope with a hard in life. I think you need to realise that you have done everything you could and hold your head high. No regrets. But you also need to accept the present situation and not continually try to form a relationship with his wife. She didn't and doesn't want to know. So be it, try to move towards it not being an issue for you. Naturally, given recent events, this will take some time, but knowing where you're heading must surely help. You don't need to be excessively controlled in front of your daughter, but naturally you don't want to be in a state either. The odd tear is fine, it tells your daughter that you have feelings for your father, despite everything. And if you need to let go and mourn for a while, it can be done, perhaps, at night when you have space for yourself. Try to find a balance that works, rather than hold it all in, or seem inconsolable. Good luck with this period of your life. Things will improve, humans do accept and move on with their life again once things aren't so raw.
This is so very sad to read but as others have said, Make room to grieve Ann so you can ‘let go’ don’t say anything bad about him to your daughter , he was her grandad, December means you’re still very raw and emotions will be flitting through your mind constantly ,it’s an old cliche that time heals but it really does, he didn’t leave a Will so that might cause you some stress, you seem to have done a good job bringing your child up in extenuating circumstances and you are to be applauded for this, I hope whatever the outcome that you’ll find peace of mind in the future x
...hard lot in life...
Reply from Anne1977, accidentally posted elsewhere.

//Thank you all for your kind answers.
This is by far the worst I have ever felt,and I've been through some pretty tough times in my life.
The damage that feeling unloved by a parent in life, then death is catastrophic to our mental health. So it's made me all the more determined to be the best mum I can.
I had hoped if he had left my brother's and I just a little amount in his will, it would mean he did think of us, and love us.
He knew how I struggled as a single parent, and he was sat on a small fortune, so he could have made a difference, and I would have felt 'yeah, my dad did love us, and wanted to see us ok'.
I would have been able to offer some money into getting a property with my boyfriend, and not felt so utterly inadequate in my relationship .
And that summarises how I feel, inadequate and unloved by the one man who you expect to love you the most - your father.
I just don't know where my head is at at the moment.
I have asked to speak to someone via my gp and been offered antidepressants as well as sleeping tablets. I've not taken any. He also offered me a sick note. I declined as I need to pay my bills. But I admit I could do with some time. I used my sick leave caring for my dad whilst he was dying, and ssp will not cover my bills.
I'll try and ride this out on my own. Plus, first and foremost I'm a mum. So I owe it to my daughter to get through this.
Thank you again for all your kind advice. I truly appreciate it.
Much love//

Sun 12.14 pm
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Anne. I'm touched by your position.
I would like to help you with a bit of money.
If you know how to do a throwaway e mail address, I will contact you and help a bit.
It's probably not pills you need right now it is time and understanding. Explain to your partner, that at times you may not have the reserves to meet his needs but you still care. If they stick with you great. probably
Maybe you could tell your daughter a little of the truth maybe that you didn't always get on with grandad so sometimes you might be angry but it's not at her.
As others have said create some time for your own grief. And anger, and disappointment and all the other feeling to bubble up and spill over. Go somewhere quiet and kick, scream, cry, swear,anything to re!ease the pressure. Then accept some people are rubbish as parents, often because of their own childhoods and if nothing else be grateful he taught you what not to do. One day you will forgive him and you will continue to build your new family. You might need counselling eventually but at the moment grief is something to live through.

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