Dating problems

[HomerSimpson]

I'm a normal guy, in my 30s, not handsome but not ugly either, I dress ok and talk ok and am generally considered to be a really nice guy. Yet I cannot get a woman to go out with me, at least as a girlfriend. Women do go out with me but it's always 'I like you as a friend, but...'. Consequently, I've had one girlfriend in 23 years of trying. Any ideas on what else I can do?

[alisonbayne]

Could you be putting pressure on yourself by viewing most women you meet as potential girlfriends? Would it be a good idea to concentrate on building friendships with women and see what develops? You could get to know more about what makes us tick, through female friends. Or could you be being TOO nice or expecting too much too soon? Many women enjoy the thrill of the chase so perhaps holding back and taking your time would be a good idea. Also, are you going for the same types of women again and again? It is easy to make the same mistake more than once and get stuck in a rut. I always used to go for challenging men who were really difficult and not always kind. I ended up marrying someone I'd been friends with at university and who, after a long trail of my disasterous relationships, said he had always loved me. Never expected it, and wasn't looking for a boyfriend at the time. Hope this is a bit helpful.

[tracymort]

why not ask these friends who just like you as a friend! you are probably trying too hard.

[HomerSimpson]

Thanks for your answers - much appreciated. I don't think it's the type of woman I'm going for - there isn't really a particular 'type' that I've been asking - and I don't see all women as potential girlfriends, but if I fancy a woman and she is single then isn't it natural to ask her out? However, someone did once tell me I was 'too nice' and that women liked men who didn't always treat them well. I find that a hard concept to understand, but fear you might be right that it's a problem for me. Also, many of the women I know talk about so-and-so being gorgeous and seem to focus a lot on looks (as men, me included do!), but I'm not gorgeous or muscular (more sort of Tom Hanks-like). I can't help thinking that's a problem too!

[HomerSimpson]

P.s. I did ask the last person I went out with. For a long time I held back from telling her how I felt as I didn't want to risk spoiling our friendship. She and I were very, very close and she told me things about herself that she told no-one else, even her family. When it came out that I would like to go out with her in a boyfriend/girlfriend way, she just said she 'liked me as a friend but..t' and said there was 'no chemistry'. I just can't get anyone to be more specific than that!

[HomerSimpson]

Thank you snotmonkey. Would i be right in thinking you are a male? Somehow the answers from the two women were so much more thoughtful, helpful and more understanding of the female psyche.

[HomerSimpson]

incidentally, snotmonkey, my parents are dead. Happy now?

[claireallen]

It's hardly surprising Homer got mad with you snotmonkey. He made it clear that he/s considered popular and doesn't dress like a nerd, etc, and the first thing you do is heap loads of insults on him like wearing tanktops, etc, and tell him to stop living with his parents who are dead. For heaven's sake have some sensitivity. The guy asked for advise and all you did was undermine his confidence even more.

[claireallen]

and also, how can you say to someone that they can't maintain a relationship with their parents because their parents are dead...jeez snotmonkey, you are one seriously unpleasant person.

[andy hughes]

Wow - quite a hot topic you've raised here HomerSimpson! If I may add a little to the debate, based on a family of two sisters, a wife and three daughters (two of whom are mid-twenties now) and a working environment of twenty-two female colleagues in which I was the only man for five years, I claim to have some insight into the way women think - but only some! The fact is, if you present yourself as a friend and confidante, that is the response you will get - the 'brother I never had ...' approach, which is fine for me, I'm married, but frustrated me no end when I was single! What you need to do is alter your approach slightly. Be just a little less open to confidences from your prosprective girlfriends - and a little less willing to confide. Learn to flirt, put a little sexual chemistry into your conversation - hinting at a possible relationship, without being obvious, will give a woman the signals that you are not being her friend just yet. be friendly, but not 'on her side' - try to steer clear of her problems, and yours, and keep the conversation general. Be evasive about seeing her again, but make sure you telephone, and see how that works. Being a 'friend' gets you friendships - try being a prospective partner, and see what singnals you get in return, but remember, women smell desparation from about a mile away, so stay cool. Good luck.

[HomerSimpson]

Thanks Andy...that's very helpful, and appreciated. I can definitely relate to what you've said.

[claireallen]

Well snotmonkey, take a look at andy hughes' thoughtful, kind and HELPFUL answer and compare it with yours. Perhaps then you'll realise how nasty and spiteful yours was. Homer, don't worry, if you're a nice guy you will find someone, but take andy's advice, it sounds really good. And remember, snotmonkey is the one with the problem, not you :)

[snotmonkey]

as i work with lots of people in a large company i can say that alot of the people i talk to at work i really dont like but only do so to make the day go faster and i'm sure they do the samething with me dont confuse deep and meaningfuls with colligues with true friendship as their are probably killing time till the end of the day

[ravenhair]

Sorry to get totally off-topic here, but Andy Hughes, I'd always pictured you as around 28, and yet you have two daughters in their mid-20s!!!!! How can this be???

[Miss Betty]

It sounds like you're not sexy in any way. No offence intended, but this is the reason why girls will only want you as a friend. Good news though, you CAN aquire sexiness, if not good looks. This is how you ca be more sexy: 1) You MUST be yourself. Women can sniff a fake out instantaneaously and it's a big turn off. 2) Be manly: take the initiative, whisk a girl away for dinner, have strong opinions and standards, pump up your muscles a little, be protective (makes most of us feel feminine, although don't push it too far) 3) Be a little naughty: Make the odd suggestive remark (but don't be creepy), show your sexuality, try it on and don't be too polite. 4) Don't be desperate. Find your 'type', don't just go for anyone who will have you. 5) Find things to be pasionate about in your life that doesn't involve the opposite sex. This exludes stamps or trains or anything nerdy. 6) Maintain a sense of self respect at all times. It you don't have any get some pronto! These pointers won't make you irresistable to women, but it will certainly stop many of the women you meet only viewing you as friendship material. Hope it helps! Good luck!

[Miss Betty]

Just to clarify, you can be all the above points AND still be yourself. It's really just about losening up, being you, but in addition employing some subtle behaviours that will put you in the best and most sexy light for your prospective girlfriends.