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Awful Dilemma - Dad On Holiday
65 Answers
This situation is stressing me so much that I can hardly bear to write it down, but I need to resolve it in my head.
I have had a chequered relationship with my dad. I am now 49, he is 84 and as agile and sharp as a man 20 years younger. He and my mum divorced when I was 3, and they have remained single - and devoid of close friends through choice and circumstance - ever since.
Dad has always been controlling and manipulative in his words and to avoid falling out with him and not speaking to him for months on end - which has happened twice over my lifetime - I pretty much do what he wants. I visit him every 5 weeks for 3 days at a time and will go along with his agenda to avoid silence and sulking, safe in the knowledge that I will soon return home to my lovely partner.
My partner and I booked a cruise last year to the Adriatic next month and last time I saw my dad he said how much he envied me this cruise and how he would've loved to have come with us. I got very flustered and drenched with guilt and asked why he didn't say at the time. He said, I can hardly invite myself on to your holiday, can I?
My sister and I have offered to take him to places he has expressed an interest in - Belfast and Poland - but he said no, no, I can't be bothered with those, I wanted to go on this cruise with you.
He has pretty much spoiled our holiday now. What do I do? Offer to take him on the same cruise next year, even though I truly do not want to spend a week away with him - or just let it wash over me? He likes my partner but again is very fussy about making sure he has time with just me, and not him, so I couldn't inflict that on my partner. And my sister can't afford a cruise or time off work.
I am so upset and angry at his manipulation and can barely think of anything else.
I have had a chequered relationship with my dad. I am now 49, he is 84 and as agile and sharp as a man 20 years younger. He and my mum divorced when I was 3, and they have remained single - and devoid of close friends through choice and circumstance - ever since.
Dad has always been controlling and manipulative in his words and to avoid falling out with him and not speaking to him for months on end - which has happened twice over my lifetime - I pretty much do what he wants. I visit him every 5 weeks for 3 days at a time and will go along with his agenda to avoid silence and sulking, safe in the knowledge that I will soon return home to my lovely partner.
My partner and I booked a cruise last year to the Adriatic next month and last time I saw my dad he said how much he envied me this cruise and how he would've loved to have come with us. I got very flustered and drenched with guilt and asked why he didn't say at the time. He said, I can hardly invite myself on to your holiday, can I?
My sister and I have offered to take him to places he has expressed an interest in - Belfast and Poland - but he said no, no, I can't be bothered with those, I wanted to go on this cruise with you.
He has pretty much spoiled our holiday now. What do I do? Offer to take him on the same cruise next year, even though I truly do not want to spend a week away with him - or just let it wash over me? He likes my partner but again is very fussy about making sure he has time with just me, and not him, so I couldn't inflict that on my partner. And my sister can't afford a cruise or time off work.
I am so upset and angry at his manipulation and can barely think of anything else.
Answers
Sallyann, He is buying your attention. Don't let him do that. By all means take the money (I would) but make it clear, even if in your own head, that it is a gift and not a bribe. Even the best of parents mess up our heads but manipulative ones like yours do it on purpose and deliberately
11:09 Sun 14th Aug 2016
you don't actually have to visit your mum either, if you don't want to. You've left home and got a partner of your own. The marriage vows used to say something like "forsaking all others..." and what that chiefly means is you've left your parents' family, and your duty is to your own partner and any family you may have with him or her.
It's your life to live; don't do it in ways that make you unhappy.
It's your life to live; don't do it in ways that make you unhappy.
Yes a lot of friends remark that 5/6 weeks is a lot but when you have ageing parents who have absolutely nobody else close to them, I don't mind making the effort. What I DO mind is the mental *** that goes with it.
My sister lives closer to them - two hours away - and visits every school holiday. But my dad isn't as close to her as she stands up to him a bit too much!!
My sister lives closer to them - two hours away - and visits every school holiday. But my dad isn't as close to her as she stands up to him a bit too much!!
When I was little I would spend weekends with dad. By the time I got to m teens I wasn't as keen to stay with him, but unable to form the words and it was an awful time - dad pleading with me to stay with him and my mum begging me to, as she was getting it in the neck. I just didn't want to and as a result I became anorexic - the classic way to halt the growing up process.
Ever since then I feel I have to have consciously keep dad at arm's length because the more I give, the more he wants. He will never change now, I just need to change my own attitude and stop feeling responsible and guilty. I am happy to be there when he needs me for an illness etc but I don't want a holiday with him. I can't be so blunt as to say that, I just needed reassurance that I'm okay to ignore it.
Ever since then I feel I have to have consciously keep dad at arm's length because the more I give, the more he wants. He will never change now, I just need to change my own attitude and stop feeling responsible and guilty. I am happy to be there when he needs me for an illness etc but I don't want a holiday with him. I can't be so blunt as to say that, I just needed reassurance that I'm okay to ignore it.
I understand your position sallyann. My husband and sister in law are the unfortunate victims of my father in law's guilt trip also:-( The common factor is that we are all not parents! My husband has learned to recognise his father's bias and has called him out big time! Result....the bully stood down! He still tries to push it, but times have changed!
I sympathise entirely with your position salyann.
For those who have grown up and made an appropriate adjustment in their parental relationship from parent and child to mutually respectful and supportive adults, it is very hard to imagine the circumstances where people like you and me have been manipulated into adulthood, and remain so, even though we know it is wrong.
It does take strength to break away, but it has to be the best in the end.
My mother was an emotional blackmailer, and took against my girlfriend and children, so that I split from her and didn't see or hear from her for over six years, during which time we had a third daughter together.
Relations were re-esbatlished, but have remained distant to the point of bus queue conversation when I have made myself visit. She never wanted any of my family, never ever had anything to do with my children. She is now ninety-four and no longer recognises me, so I have stopped visiting. It hurts me and she knows no different.
When she dies, I will mourn the relationship I should have had, not the one I did have, and then I will carry on with the important people who are left.
She did not deserve my love or my pain, and your father does not deserve yours.
Your love belongs to your husband first, your children if you have any, and your parents - in that order.
He is abusing your love, and it's time to stop. he can behave like your dad, or be without you.
His choice.
For those who have grown up and made an appropriate adjustment in their parental relationship from parent and child to mutually respectful and supportive adults, it is very hard to imagine the circumstances where people like you and me have been manipulated into adulthood, and remain so, even though we know it is wrong.
It does take strength to break away, but it has to be the best in the end.
My mother was an emotional blackmailer, and took against my girlfriend and children, so that I split from her and didn't see or hear from her for over six years, during which time we had a third daughter together.
Relations were re-esbatlished, but have remained distant to the point of bus queue conversation when I have made myself visit. She never wanted any of my family, never ever had anything to do with my children. She is now ninety-four and no longer recognises me, so I have stopped visiting. It hurts me and she knows no different.
When she dies, I will mourn the relationship I should have had, not the one I did have, and then I will carry on with the important people who are left.
She did not deserve my love or my pain, and your father does not deserve yours.
Your love belongs to your husband first, your children if you have any, and your parents - in that order.
He is abusing your love, and it's time to stop. he can behave like your dad, or be without you.
His choice.
Thank you andy-hughes for sharing your story. I feel very very sad for you and your family and it is quite shocking to hear how selfish and self centred parents can become.
I was never able to set boundaries with my dad so that when I see him now I am 100% cheerful, jolly, happy, interested, in whatever he has to say or wants to show me. He as a result thinks I'm fantastic and great company and that we have a superb relationship. When he emails and I forget to mention a point he has raised in it, that is always pointed out too, as are spelling and grammar mistakes. This is all done in a jokey way but it feels I collude with him even more in not telling him to get lost and who cares about a spelling mistake between father and daughter? I have colluded through fear and through being brought up to feel sorry for poor mum and poor dad being all alone after an awful marriage. Oh God, I could go on - I will save it for a counsellor! :)
I was never able to set boundaries with my dad so that when I see him now I am 100% cheerful, jolly, happy, interested, in whatever he has to say or wants to show me. He as a result thinks I'm fantastic and great company and that we have a superb relationship. When he emails and I forget to mention a point he has raised in it, that is always pointed out too, as are spelling and grammar mistakes. This is all done in a jokey way but it feels I collude with him even more in not telling him to get lost and who cares about a spelling mistake between father and daughter? I have colluded through fear and through being brought up to feel sorry for poor mum and poor dad being all alone after an awful marriage. Oh God, I could go on - I will save it for a counsellor! :)
It points to what I said about the fact that everyone settles into a mutually destructive relationship.
There is obviously time for your dad to adjust to the 'adult' you.
You can do this by degrees, rather than a wholesale character switch.
Learn to push back when he criticises, he will be surprised, but you may find he responds quite well - after all, he has to behave properly in the rest of the world, it's only with you he gets to be a boorish bully, nowhere else.
On no account take him away on holiday again! He doesn't deserve it, and neither do you or your husband!
By degrees, including reminding him verbally that you are not a child - which is clearly how he still sees you - he will have to learn to adjust his attitude and approach.
I wish you the very best of luck - it was always too late for me, but you can get there.
You have nothing to lose but a load of undeserved guilt and grief.
There is obviously time for your dad to adjust to the 'adult' you.
You can do this by degrees, rather than a wholesale character switch.
Learn to push back when he criticises, he will be surprised, but you may find he responds quite well - after all, he has to behave properly in the rest of the world, it's only with you he gets to be a boorish bully, nowhere else.
On no account take him away on holiday again! He doesn't deserve it, and neither do you or your husband!
By degrees, including reminding him verbally that you are not a child - which is clearly how he still sees you - he will have to learn to adjust his attitude and approach.
I wish you the very best of luck - it was always too late for me, but you can get there.
You have nothing to lose but a load of undeserved guilt and grief.
Thanks to you ALL for such very wise words. I have to say I literally turn green with envy when I listen to friends my own age talking about their parents and all they still do for them as children, while I sometimes feel I can only justify my happy life by being in constant touch with my mum and dad to make sure they're okay and not lonely and, in my mum's case, sort out her IT problems and everyday issues from afar.
Reading your posts really has made me feel that I'm an okay daughter.
Reading your posts really has made me feel that I'm an okay daughter.
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