Distant Girlfriend - advice needed

[HippyHarry]

I have been dating my g/f for just over a year. We enjoyed intense closeness for much of that, until a couple of months ago when it slid downhill for me, quite rapidly. She is a loving and affectionate girl, but despite working full time never seemed to contribute financially to anything that we did. I tried to address it gently, but it never seemed to have any impact. Eventually, enough was enough and I confronted the issues. Rather than saying sorry or suggesting change, she asked me if I wanted to break up... I simply gave up at that point, after 2 hours of explaining myself, so we broke up.

She was devastated and this really shocked me, as I had felt really taken for granted and was unsure how much she actually cared. On the back of this, we talked a couple of days later and decided to try again. Since this point, she has been very emotionally distant, has developed a sarcastic edge to her personality which is quite grating and has become generally quite fragile, distant and depressive. Granted, I hurt her and I accept this, hence putting effort into making things right. She, however, will not let go of how much I hurt her and seems to conpletely disregard any of the reasonings that led to the issues in the first place. As a consequence, she seems to want to go into her shell, have a much diminished relationship, on her terms only and seems like a different person every day right now. This inevitably leads to issues when we are around each other, as I wish to understand the issues and try to move forwards, but she prefers to either stay silent or feel sorry for herself.

I love her deeply, but do not know what to do for the best now. Sometimes I feel desperately sad for how things declined so fast, other times I get a bit resentful that it seems to be all about her feelings and mine do not seem to count.

She says that she loves me and when I ask her what she wants, she says me and time! 6 weeks on and we seem to be getting nowhere as I have clearly cut her quite deply by the brief ending of the relationship and she says she doesnt trust that it wont happen again.

Any thoughts anyone please? I'm a bit lost in all this right now :(

[Leapers]

I'm a girl in a similar-ish sort of situation, my bf is working full time abroad and earning loads whereas i have a low paying part time job and am a student. But it bothers me a lot when he tries to pay for things all the time as i like to think i can support myself but as he works abroad i don't get to seem him all too often but when i do i dont want to argue about money! So basically i try to make it up in other ways, i cook nice meals and pay for the ingredients and we do nice free things which don't have to stretch the purse.
Anyway maybe you shouldn't have belittled her contribution if you are earning a lot more than she is, providing she is making the effort elsewhere eg making you dinner then i don't think money is important as long as you are happy in the rest of your relationship, not everything is about money and if you love her enough then spending a bit more of taking her out is your own choice why not try some free dates which you might enjoy such as cuddling up on the sofa with a movie, walks along the beach/woods etc its the time spent together which should be important not the cost

[Andyvon]

It sounds like she's one of the 'users' in life Harry and she was using you. There are plenty like that around - men and women. If she truly felt something for you then not only would she not treat you that way but she wouldn't say she wants 'time'. What does that mean? It's just the same as that vacuous statement "I need space". That's just another way of saying " Look, I can put up with you to some extent mate but not all the time!"

If you love someone then you just don't want to be away from them. You can't get enough of them. It doesn't sound as if your girlfriend feels that way about you and she's punishing you for not letting her use you - and she knows it!

In that situation I would like to think I recognised that and I wasn't going to be abused any longer. There are plenty of decent women out there Harry who wouldn't treat you that way. When you find Miss Right you won't want to be away from her and she won't want to be apart from you. Then you'll look back and realise what a waste of space this present one is.

I hope that's not too tough to read but I've been there in the past. I kidded myself they did actually feel something for me, although they "needed their space" and I needed mine. Then I met my wife and I realised what a bunch of users and wasters the rest were. We've been married almost 20 years now and we do everything together and never want to be apart. We have never said "I need some space" nor have we ever felt that.

When you meet the right person Harry, then you'll know. You won't want to be apart and she won't be able to get enough of you.

[HippyHarry]

Thanks Andyvon, you have mirrored my own thoughts exactly! So many responses on here seem pro 'man pay and be grateful for anything you get in return' or 'your so shallow just thinking about money', but I'm not. It just seems very unequal to be paying for everything (and may I add that I do all the cooking, washing, ironing and food shopping too, as well as run a business). I enjoy doing anything for somebody special, but a tipping point comes when you suddenly realise there is a HUGE imbalance!

I wish to have the type of relationship you have been fortunate enough to find, not to be grateful for any bone that a, frankly, very tight fisted girlfriend cares to throw me. I know I'm worth a lot more than that!

Thankyou again. Peace and love to you :)

[puddle-duck]

Do you live together Harry?

[HippyHarry]

@Puddle Duck... Until we had 'the conversation' a few weeks ago, she was staying at mine 5-6 days a week. Now it's more like 5-6 hours a week! :)

[bednobs]

my word, she has you wrapped round her finger. It takes some manipulation to get you feeling apologetic over the way she's acted :)

[Wharton]

...and your child....

[HippyHarry]

Hard to argue with that Bednobs! :)

P.s. liking the profile picture!! haha

[HippyHarry]

@wharton.... My son does not live with me, but stays every second weekend and I do the 160 mile round trip to see him a couple of times a week. My g/f and Son have met but, for his protection, is not aware that we are in a relationship and just thinks we are friends. He doesn't need to be confused by these things while he still takes the ending of my relationship with his mum so sadly. this was done with the complete agreement of my g/f before anybody may feel the need to bring that factor into the equation also! :)

[puddle-duck]

My problem here is that you are asking for advice, yet you only seem to want the advice that reflects your own point of view.

IMO, you've created a problem here. If you wanted a relationship that was based on each paying their own fair share then you should have dated someone who is in the same wage bracket as yourself. If you have one person earning £1,500 a month & the other earning £500 it is not possible for the other to keep up without it creating financial difficulties.

What you have basically done here, is put a price on your relationship. You've admitted that you get double her disposable income. What do you want her to do, get into debt, so she can keep you happy?

You've said yourself she's adoring, loving, affectionate, the most beautiful smile in the world & a bond that feels electric, a beautiful gentle girl. All those qualities are something that money can never buy. There are 1000's of guys out there that would snap her up in an instant, & yet all you can see is the financial side of things.

I'm not surprised as to the way she is reacting to you, you've hurt her & destroyed the trust. It's understandable that she's now saying she needs time, you've more or less labeled her a user. What do you expect her to do welcome you with open arms?

You say that you're worth a lot more than that, then let her go, let her meet someone who will appreciate her for what she is, rather than what she can give & you'll be free to focus on finding someone who is as money orientated as you seem to be, but be warned it'll come with a price.

[HippyHarry]

@puddle duck.... You don't seem to be reading everything that I am saying, or I am conveying it very wrongly. I have said, very clearly, that I don't care if my partner bought one meal / drink in every 20, cooked once in a while or similar. Yes she has / had got many beautiful aspects of character that make her adorable, but how does that translate to an utterly free ride in life?? By your own rationale, if I had, say, £1500 in disposable income and she had £500, then one in three or four rounds of drinks might be on her perhaps...?

You are fully entitled to your opinions about me, as I've come on here seeking some guidance on how best to handle this situation. The answer for me is NOT to ignore the feelings of unbalance, nor is it my wish that she pays 50/50, or even 15% of anything.... Just a gesture now and again goes a long way. I truly do not believe I am totally wrong to feel as I do, but there has to be room for some compromise on both sides surely? Is your viewpoint really such that she spends nothing, lives purely off me and we all live happily ever after? If that is seen as reasonable by the masses here then I'm astounded! Two people work and earn, yet only one ever pays? That's just not right at all.

I've only ever used this site once before and I got the best advice I have ever had... Concentrate on being a good dad and everything else will work itself out! It did. This time around, I just cannot agree with some of the anti-feeling towards my position. My g/f is a beautiful person in many ways and I care about money a heck of a lot less than some of the opinions would suggest, but you may be right in that I let her go and find somebody who is better suited to me. In a round about way, the same conclusions get reached.

I mean you no offence whatsoever, but I don't have to agree with you either. The advice I sought was how best to handle a hurt girlfriend, but if her viewpoint is like yours and others, then it simply won't work between us. I don't give up easily, nor have I been cruel, belittling, condescending, etc, to her. Her focus of hurt isn't the money side, it's the fact that I ended the relationship at all, which broke her trust / feelings of 'safety'. As far as she and I are concerned, if I could get past that then we could perhaps slowly but surely rebuild. My problem is not knowing how best to be around a hurt / wounded girlfriend who still cares, but is very cautious. I have already said that the little gestures she has been doing recently, (like a surprise Terry's chocolate orange - my favourite!) are more than enough... Simple things like that is all I need! But she is still guarded, distant and cautious and this is difficult for me to navigate, hence seeking advice. I don't understand the whole 'withdraw into shell

[HippyHarry]

And ignore problems' style of handling problems. Any advice on dealing with that in the best possible way will be appreciated.

Thanks

[NOX]

sounds very much to me actually as if you want to be told that splitting up with her is the way to go and she's used you. You don't really want anyone's advice, you want people to agree with you, as I've just noticed that you removed my answer and replaced it with Andy's because he thinks she's up to no good as well. It's not really possible for most people to help you, because you've already made up your mind, you just want that reinforcing. Sorry to say I think ti's doomed but mostly because you will make sure it is. I'm male so this isn't a feminist thing, it's just common sense that she's got barriers because of the way you behaved- the money is likely s0d all to do with it.

[HippyHarry]

@Nox.... Yes, I'm 100% sure that it's wrong to expect one person in a relationship to fully fund the other if both are working. One partner at home with a child, ill or not working would be a very very different story. I very much doubt that you would want to meet somebody, date them and fund everything. The majority of opinions seem to be in favour of me doing this though and not remotely taking into account that it made me unhappy to be in this situation. Too much focus has been put on the money side, as though I'm extremely wrong for having feelings about it. I never asked for advice about my principles in life, never said that my g/f was offended by them, never said that it was a barrier to progress and never said it made her feel like a second class citizen! All I said was that she was hurt by the brief break in relationship and wanted guidance about how to mend her feelings.

Understand that the more people go off point and try to tell me I should ignore my feelings and go back to how things were, the more resolute it makes me to avoid that scenario. It's a shame that this site doesn't allow more than one reply to be marked as good, because it's clearly too easy to offend people otherwise!

[NOX]

Oh I'm not offended in the least Harry, I just think it's somewhat telling that you had probably already made your mind up to all you posted above. I really don't care who has the best answer ( they don't give us a star or anything ;-).
For myself I don't care who pays for what in a relationship- each one will find it's own ground, sometimes I have paid for everything, sometimes we've always gone 50/50 dutch, sometimes you get ladies who enjoy spoiling you and so they pay for more, sometimes as with my wife it depends on the situation. When we first got together she paid for EVERYTHING, including having my kids dumped on her, because I had NO money. As that changed once I got on my feet, it reversed and when I became comfortably off I paid for pretty much everything.
I'm not trying to paint you as being grasping and money mad, but I do think you've missed WHY the money is important to her, it's not actually the money itself it's the destruction of her hopes of feeling totally sure of you no matter what. She misjudged you, and as such she's feeling vulnerable and frightened.
I think since you have such reservations, it might be best for her if you do split up, then you can find a 50/50 gal and she can find someone she can trust not to suddenly pull the rug out from under her, as that's why she's behaving as she is.

[HippyHarry]

"find a 50/50 gal" !

Are you not reading anything that I have written?

Ok, I give up, thankyou for the time you took to reply to my question, but we're not on the same page I don't think, so we'll agree to disagree then. No dramas :)

[NOX]

Good grief. Snoopy c) 1968.

[beso]

Move on again. It is what you seem to want. Just bounce along through your life. When you are 50-something you will be able to take holidays in Thailand and the girls (well at least they mostly look like girls) will tell yo anything you want to hear. Unfortunately they will still expect you to pay but everything is cheap there so you won't mind.

[HippyHarry]

Sometimes it can take a while for decent advice to sink in.... I'm just a man! :)

I re-read all of the posts and saw a lot of frustration.... I was writing more or less how I felt at that very moment I think. A few days has gone by and I've taken the irritation, stress and pressure out of the equation, and changed my attitude a bit too, as I hate the thought of her thinking I value money over her emotional contribution (which, now it's not there is incredibly missed!). I'm sure I came across that way and even justified it to myself I think, but it seems a bit dumb right now!

Going out on Friday on a 'date' to go for a long walk followed by cooking some food together, cuddle up & watch a movie at mine, so fingers crossed it goes well!

Thanks for everyone's feedback, reading these things back after a few days sure a bit of a wake up call about how I come across sometimes! ! Peace and love