First Marriages

[2sp_]

Following on from a thread in News by Ric.ror -

Say you are married with children. You were married once before at a young age and/or a brief period but had no children with that spouse.

Would you tell your children that you had been married before?

At what age would you tell them and how would you do it?

[sara3]

wait for an appropriate moment. they don't "need" to know but at some stage they should know who you are and how your life has been.. but never lie about it

[Bbbananas]

Agree with Sara....

[2sp_]

I foolishly got married at 19, nothing wrong with marrying at a young age but you really shouldn't marry a nutjob because you are scared to say no to him...

Anyway, I know I'll have to tell the kids at some point. They will see it on our marriage certificate, I'm sure.

I'd rather tell them myself and explain that I made a mistake but learnt from it.

[Gavmacp]

In my family there were a lot of skeletons which were kept well and truly in the cupboard.
My wife's family had worse skeletons that were not skeletons but just facts. These were talked about openly and without judgement.
I personally feel that my wife's family had the better attitude.

[Sparkles62]

I also agree, but i would tell them when they were older, as they are presumably going to overhear conversations when they are older, and wonder where this other person fits into your life.

[MadMen]

"you really shouldn't marry a nutjob because you are scared to say no to him... "

Bloody hell! I wish someone had told me that! :P

But no, I don't see the point in telling the children about your previous marriage. What's the point? It could potentially confuse them into thinking that Mummy and Daddy aren't going to be together forever.

I just don't see it as relevant to that child's life.

[2sp_]

I come from a very open family myself, everything is discussed no matter how awkward or embarrassing it is!

Mr P's family are far more conservative, no one discusses feelings, upsets, deaths, loses or grievances at all. They just sweep everything under the carpet.

We are really trying to raise our children in an open way. If we want them to talk to us about anything then I think we need to do the same with them.

[sara3]

I wouldn't worry, you made a mistake and you can explain to them.. it's one of life's lessons.

[2sp_]

lol @ MadMed!

I don't think I would tell them until they are at least teenagers. Maybe when they are having their first serious relationships themselves.

I would hate for them to read "divorced" on our marriage certificate and wonder why I'd never told them.

[rockyracoon]

We had this a couple of years ago, my dad told us he'd been married before, but did have a child, we wasn't impressed (not the marriage bit, but the child bit). If you tell them, I wouldn't make a big deal of it, I imagine a lot of their friends at school may have step parents, so will probably not give it much thought.

These days information is easily available online, a quick search on Ancestry will show your marriage, if the kids do a school project on their family tree it may well throw up depending how common your name is.

[Gavmacp]

I don't think we know what they will think until you tell them. I think we put more issues on it than children ever will.
Though yesterday I took my friend kids out for a walk. I said that we were poor, they said "mummy and daddy give you money". That made me smile, how did they come to that conclusion I do not know.

[MadMen]

:-)

That's a good idea actually, telling them when they have their first proper relationship.
Sorry, I was just thinking of small confused children. I can't imagine it being an issue when they are of teenage years.

[2sp_]

I do remember a friend at school finding his parents marriage certificate and seeing that his father had been married before. He must have been about 14 or 15 when he discovered it. His parents had never mentioned it and he wondered if he had half siblings somewhere.

Eventually he asked them, probably about 3 years later. Turns out that it was a very short marriage with no kids. He had spent 3 years wondering and fretting about it.

[rockyracoon]

Until we were told about my dad, I'd never seen my parents marriage certificate, funnily enough I never wondered why it wasn't with the birth certificates.

[bednobs]

i have a similar dilemma - should i tell my child about her brother and sister that died before she was born? If so when/how?

[rockyracoon]

Gosh Bednobs, I don't envy you that one. I do think she needs to know but as to when. ???

[Robinia]

I come from a family who never talked about anything. I didn't find out about something quite important (to me) until I was about 50. I'd rather have known everything that was going on/had gone on from about the age of 9 I'd say.

[coccinelle]

There will no doubt come a time when it can be discussed, but don't force it. Sometimes there are inklings and so when it is said, it's not such a shock. I had an aunty who sat her two daughters down in their mid teens and said their father had been married and divorced and they took it hard as it was a shock, they had had no idea. However, in this day and age there are a lot more couples who divorce so may not come as a shock as years ago.
I have three kids who come to my house and two have divorced parents the other one said her parents hadn't divorced YET as though it was inevitable...

[2sp_]

I think that's a much harder one, bednobs.

I remember you saying that you have photos of William and Heather around the house? Phoebe will grow up seeing these photos and know who they were.

I think if you talk about them to her in a matter of fact way that will help.

But I have no real idea of how you would approach the subject. You don't want to get upset either as it could upset her too.

Puts my dilemma in perspective.

xx

[jno]

2sp, I think you're right: probably when they're teenagers, though if they find out anything earlier than that be prepared to tell them about it then. I don't suppose young kids these days are amazed at the idea of serial marriages, but it's not really something they need to know, and at the very worst, as someone suggested, it could make them worry about the security of their family.

But do tell them some day. I am doing some family history and am constantly realising just how little my parents ever told me about themselves and their families. It's quite frustrating, as they were all my family too.