I feel so very let down by my husband

[BrokenWife]

Let me explain. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 4. The whole way through our relationship we have talked about starting a family and have even gone as far as choosing names and worked out who would stop working to look after the family etc.

He has a son from a previous relationship who we see at weekend and I am very much a part of my step-sons life. I am from a large family and have lots of nieces and nephews and we have watched them grow up together and always talk about when it will be our time. Now out of the blue he has decided that kids are not for him and he doesn’t want to have children – ever, not just now. To the point where he has said to me he will look into a vasectomy. I am utterly devastated.

I feel like one of the fundamental parts of our relationship has just been destroyed in a heartbeat. He has had a tough life and has had to overcome a lot of things to be in the place he is now, he tells me he is the happiest he has ever been and our marriage has made him the person he is now. We have spoken at length and he says that he just can not bring a child into this life. I feel broken, and everytime I think about not being able to have a child of my own I fall apart.

I would normally open up to my sisters but I don’t wish to open up to them yet so I am calling upon you, my answerbank friends to give me your opinions.

I am a regular poster but due to the personal nature of this I have opened another account, please forgive me for appearing as a newbie!!

[Ann]

You poor thing - I feel for you - it must be devastating - how selfish he is! It was bad enough for me and my husband not physically being able to have a baby but its far worse to think its your OH not allowing it ..........

[islasmum]

Can I be rude and ask how old you are? (I may have seen it in the answers so far, but I' don't remember - have you got a fair amount of time before you get to the age (if there is one!) of having a baby would be more difficult? You say that you can always talk to him, which is great, does he realise how much he has hurt you? If he really is adamant that he won't have any more children I'm afraid that it is the decision that you tay with him, or leave, find someone else and have children with them. I've been with my OH for 17 years, we have no children together but he has 3 adult children from his first marriage. He did not want any more children as he's 22 years older than me, and we have a great life together, but sometimes I do wonder iwhat would have happened if I'd wanted them. If your hubby is prepared to have a vasectomy I'm afraid that he really does mean it. Plese speak to your sisters as they know him and you, and can probably give you much better advice than we can. Best of luck anyway, and I do hope that he changes his mind.

[Rapunzel61]

It's me again, I know I've been on th negative side of things about your situation, and obviously only you can decide, but I just read crisgal's story and you said it made you cry. whe I said I'd seen your situation three times before, once to a member of my family and twicw to friends, well my cousin's husband 'made a mistake' as he put it, and when he was sixteen, got a girl pregnant. she was from a catholic family and she had to have the baby. He didn't really get involved with the child until he started working and earning money to pay towards the child's up-bringing. He met and married my cousin (after three years) when he was 27 and my cousin was 25. They talked about having children and how his son could still stay with them even f they had a child of thei own. then four years into the marriage, he had a change of heart and announced he didn't want any more children. It put a huge strain on the relationship, with a result that my cousin left him for 4 months. In the end he said he'd re-think, and they got bck together. then everytime she bought the subject up, there was an excuse. When she was 38, he left her for a work collegue, and within 4 month she was pregnant, and he was 'delighted' (his words). Even his own mother won't hve anything to do with him now. I'm not saying anything like this will happen to you, but all I'm saying is, think long and hard, because you have a right to happiness too, and not have to make do. I hope with all y heart that things turn out well for you and that your husband has a change of heart.

[NOX]

I've been mulling this over from every angle for the past couple of days before deciding to write anything, but no matter how I look at it, your husband is showing an overwhelming disregard for your feeling and needs. for sure it's always good to be honest in a relationship, but you have been right from the word go to the ppoint where he has been discussing names with you- this means he's all too aware of exactly what it means to you to have a child.
This also means that he's very certain he can pull this off, and that you will back down on the subject- THAT is the part that I find unhealthy about the whole thing, that's he's using his moral stance of ' being honest' and ' responsible' etc etc etc aboput how he feels to bully you into accepting a situaiton that even the dimmest person must see will make you miserable for the rest of your life.
I think a really good honest talk on your part , telling him that he has no right to take for granted that you will tow the line on this, that you feel used and lied to and robbed of future happiness is in order. He has to have it spelled out to him in full technicolour detail and then if he still sticks to his guns, he's really not the man for you- not because he doesn't want children but because he doesn't care about your feelings for what will be the rest of your life.
When my second wife and I got together I really didn't want any children, I was a mess, didn't cope with things terrible well and had a large family of sons who lived with us already, but she made it clear she wanted children of her own with me so who was I to deny her that, and we had two daughters who I wouldn't change for the world. Realtionships are about compromise and from where I am you are the only one compromising, so talk to him and I hope it ends well for you, otherwise i'd urge you to explore the possibility he might not be the man for you.

[BrokenWife]

Hi everyone i wanted to give you an update of what happened last night.

I decided to not bring the subject up and just carry on as normal. We had dinner and nothing was mentioned. He then asked if we could go to bed and talk - lying in bed is like our safe place, we can open up about anything.

He said to me that he had spent the whole day thinking about it and albeit he hasnt changed his mind he realised the implications that his decision will have for me. We talked loads and i said i thought we should get away for the weekend to just relax and he has agreed it would be a good thing.

I asked what would happen to me if 20 years down the line he finds someone else and im left without him or the chance to have a child, he asked why i would say that and i eventually told him i wrote this post!

We got the iPad out and sat together and went through everyones opinions. I know this probably sounds mad but it was like you were all our therapists!

No we have not resolved anything but what could possibly have been resolved in the one night, but at least now he knows my side of it and how im feeling.

I guess we have to keep going andwho knows what happens next!!

[grasscarp]

Goodness. He has now read all of this. I bet he will be thinking a lot today - if not checking out Answerbank for himself! It is a privilege to be considered as your therapists, and if ABers have been able to help you both in your future decisions it is all credit to those contributers and to you for really caring what we think. Good luck for the future : o )

[xLilacFairyx]

BrokenWife, I completely empathise.
I been with Hubby for 13yrs, married for 1, I always knew that he was humming and haying about having kids, I chose to ignore this due to how much I love him until recently when he suggested that not having "was what he thought would be best for us both, all he wants is me", and that "he doesn't even think deep down it's what I actually want either" to which I have been thinking a lot about these comments, naturally, and to an extent have started to change my mind full tilt and started to think that if we don't have any, life will remain "as is" and perhaps he's right......and BTW you've never met a more broody person as me prior to these discussions taking place recently / over the years.....it's really changed my perspective on things....and also, I would never ever give my husband up to have kids, he's my absolute soulmate through and through.

Hope this helps you BW, it's really tricky I know.

[crisgal]

i'm so pleased that our answers - many and varied! - have played a small part in your 'therapy'.
I don't suppose he would have sat and listened to us all giving our opinion, one by one - who would?!
I hope it helps you both to talk lots, be honest and brave, consider each other's feelings but NOT disregard your own completely, and find a happy place.
xxx♥xxx
(and pleeeeeeeeease let us know how you're getting along)

[BrokenWife]

fingers crossed that by showing him this thread he will understand more where i am coming from.

Thanks everyone, you have no idea how greatful i (and my hubby) are for your input xxx

[LoftyLottie]

Well done Broken Wife. It's so good he has read this thread. For what it is worth I don't think he sounds a selfish person at all, he just hadn't really thought very deeply on the subject from your point of view, or from the points of view of others on this thread.

I just have a feeling that this is going to turn out OK for both of you. You are a couple that can talk things out and this is so important.

xxxxxxxxxxx

[LoftyLottie]

Let's face it, he's a fella and they aren't as deep thinking as us females!!!

[islasmum]

Have a lovely weekend away!

[DTCwordfan]

Ouch Lottie - not applicable to all us men I hope

Have a super weekend BW - good food, good drink and some meaningful chats on walks, in bed, wherever.............and maybe even some fun!

[BrokenWife]

just incase anyone is still checking here or subscribed, ive put a wee update of our weekend here http://www.theanswerb.../Question1054274.html