I feel so very let down by my husband

[BrokenWife]

Let me explain. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 4. The whole way through our relationship we have talked about starting a family and have even gone as far as choosing names and worked out who would stop working to look after the family etc.

He has a son from a previous relationship who we see at weekend and I am very much a part of my step-sons life. I am from a large family and have lots of nieces and nephews and we have watched them grow up together and always talk about when it will be our time. Now out of the blue he has decided that kids are not for him and he doesn’t want to have children – ever, not just now. To the point where he has said to me he will look into a vasectomy. I am utterly devastated.

I feel like one of the fundamental parts of our relationship has just been destroyed in a heartbeat. He has had a tough life and has had to overcome a lot of things to be in the place he is now, he tells me he is the happiest he has ever been and our marriage has made him the person he is now. We have spoken at length and he says that he just can not bring a child into this life. I feel broken, and everytime I think about not being able to have a child of my own I fall apart.

I would normally open up to my sisters but I don’t wish to open up to them yet so I am calling upon you, my answerbank friends to give me your opinions.

I am a regular poster but due to the personal nature of this I have opened another account, please forgive me for appearing as a newbie!!

[tamborine]

My life with my children was a precious gift from my OH that I would not have liked to miss out on. Had my OH treated me as Brokenwife has we would have not stayed together.

[LoftyLottie]

Ed makes the decisions DT. Nothing is removed without his approval.

[BrokenWife]

i love my husband, i guess i am just hurt. Needed to vent and given that i spend hald my life on AB i opted for here!

[Noraq]

I wish I could say something helpful in this situation, but all I can think of is.... he knows how this will destroy you, and he is still adamant that he does not want a baby., sounds to me like is he is prepared to lose you over this.

Sorry to say, but he is not the man you thought you married....only you can decide where to go from here.

Take a lot of time to think and be prepared to live with the consequences of your decision..whatever you decide to do.

My heart goes out to you. N.x

[tamborine]

Its early days brokenwife; he could change his mind

[BrokenWife]

I have just seen that Tambo's suggestion was removed, albeit not something i would have considered, Tambo was entitled to that opinion.

[ummmm]

He could change his mind back though.

Children are an expensive scary thought....

[tamborine]

am not worried Brokenwife - I can be too explicit sometimes :)

[LoftyLottie]

Actually agree with Tambo on this. He could well change his mind. Be patient and don't talk about having kids for quite a while. As someone else said, perhaps you have become too focussed on it and he feels pressurised. But stick with your views on vasectomy. Persuade him that you can both stick to other forms contraception.

[BrokenWife]

i sincerely hope he does change his mind but there is just something there that makes me think that this is his final decision. I guess only time will tell.
Unfortunately for me i am now in my 30's so nature will eventually kick in and my chances become more slim by the day.

[DTCwordfan]

yes, Ed makes the decision but someone usually reports.

BW - take your time over this and gently see if you can probe out more info.....I think there maybe some form of confidence issue, coming out of the 1st marriage - "will I love the new baby - no...."

I must say that the love of number 1 for me was instantaneous, two took a couple of days but in many ways I love her more than one - though one and I have a very close bond. He may be having doubts along these lines but you need to encourage him to talk.......I would also consider writing to him, as "letters" can convey the seriousness of how you are feeling, your logic and downplay the emotion, as long as, after a wee gap like overnight, you read them carefully before sending them and adjust accordingly...

[LoftyLottie]

Broken Wife I was 36 when I had my child. Neither of us wanted kids initially. We both changed our minds - him more than me. You still have plenty of time.

[BrokenWife]

since starting this thread i have txt him and suggested we go away to a hotel for saturday night, just to get away from all the drama at home and try and remember what our life was like before the big house, big mortgage and big worries.

[ummmm]

the big house, big mortgage and big worries

And there could be the problem.....

[cazzz1975]

just from reading the big house, the big morgage and big worries, I can see why he doesnt want to add to that with more worries.

have a break from baby talk, seriously, he sounds stressed and under pressure, go back to being a couple.

[wolf63]

It is possible that your husband is just terrified at the prospect of being responsible for bringing another child into the world - either financially or emotionally he feels that it is too much for him.

Ask him to explain how he reached his decision - it may be better to get him to write it down so that you don't end up both getting upset over this.

You say that you will stay in your marriage - but only time will tell if this has totally ruined your relationship with your husband. If he is unable to communicate with you over such a serious matter there is something wrong.

I wish you well - both of you.

[BrokenWife]

sorry that was just my turn of phrase, we have the big house, dont have too big a mortgage and this situation is what i meant by worries!

[LoftyLottie]

Ah, it falls into place now. He is obviously a man who takes his commitments very seriously and is worried he won't cope with any more problems. Very, very natural!!

I hope you go away and have a really lovely time. No mention whatsoever of babies!!

[netibiza]

Actually when I got married neither of us wanted children, but after 11yrs I fell pregnant with twins and then lost them, and it made me realise that I wanted kids, so we went ahead and had one (I was 42yrs) so people do change their minds but don't rely on it. I don't think my husband would have been too bothered had we not had a child.

[rowanwitch]

Can you downsize...maybe take some of the financial pressures off....have some spare money for fun....sounds like you may have got caught up in having 'stuff' and lost your way a little....