A Few More

[Rondy]

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'. I had the car out in thirty seconds.
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I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.
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One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down. 'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike.'
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We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it? The Stewardess gave me chewing gum. I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.
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This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'. So I took up a collection.
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I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
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I got stopped again last night by a policeman. He says: 'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'. I said 'What For?'. He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.
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So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close'. He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights.'
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[Patsy33]

Good ones.. lol!

[Gramps82]

Good old Tommy Cooper. He wrote some good ones.