need help being assertive
not sure if this is in the right section apologies if not
i need to confront a friend about a bouncing cheque.i think i am too nice as i dont want to come across as agressive or accusing but i need some answers.ideally i would say where the hells my money but that wouldnt help.basically what i wanna say is the cheque bounced so when will i get my money and did you knowit would bounce.i dont want to threaten legal action til i have had a civilised convo.i quite like the person so wanna be reasonable.
Can anyone tell me how to be assertive and get answers especially if the person is evasive?
sorry for the essay
all answers appreciated
catcuddler Mon 08/09/08 12:25
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A co worker of mine went to a hynotherapist to get him help with condidence and assertiveness, the out come was amazing, maybe you should look at this method!!!
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Hi cat, just say to your friend, I feel very awkward bringing this up, but the cheque you gave me has bounced. If they say o.k I'll pay you such and such a time ( reasonable length of time for you to wait, considering you have already been waiting ) accept. If this time passes, do whatever you think is right to get it back. At least you gave them a second chance! xxx
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Question Author
thanx 4 the fastest reply ever :-D
i can be assertive generally but i want to be assertive to someone i like which i think is different to say complaining in a shop
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Bit of an awkward one that! I hope you work it out! Is she o.k as a friend normally?
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Question Author
thanx sachs i will try that.u have hit the nail on the head its the awkwardness and the dreaded awkward silence.i'll try to grit my teeth and spit it out.i think its best to say its straight away cos if i put it off my heart starts to pound and i feel so tense.i also wants to remain friends with the person if possible
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Question Author
sachs the person is generally very nice and friendly but sometimes unreliable when they say they will be in when i plan to visit a silly thing to lend money to them i know.i guess what i am after is a kinda step my step worse scenario advice if that makes sense
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Tell them that if they don't pay up, you'll send your homiez round to pop a cap in their ass.
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Question Author
another-view i detest violence anc if i do that i am breaking the law and dont stand a chance legally
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Hi cat, if you don't get a good response, you know they are not the 'good' type of friend you want to associate with! Are we talking a large amount here or something you could write off ?
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Catcuddler: you need to steel yourself and ask for your money back - cash if possible. If it were me, I'd simply say: "The cheque you gave me has bounced, so I'd like the money in cash asap, please."
If she deliberately issued a cheque knowing she didn't have appropriate funds (which is an offence) then you may have to reconsider your friendship (unless there are strong mitigating circumstances for her deception).
There may be genuine reasons why she can't pay you back all the money at once and, if this is the case, then come to an agreement with her about paying instalments - but insist that she sticks to it.
Sorry, I know it may sound hard, but it's in your own best interests.
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and don't lend your "friend" another bean.
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Question Author
thanx cartoonist great advice i will try it.sachs its almost £500 if it wasnt as much i would write it off
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Hi catcuddler, just seen this. I agree with Sachs, that's exactly how I would approach it. It's very difficult but if she gets stroppy about it then you have every right to get more assertive as cartoonist says. Good luck!
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Oh o.k! That's quite a lot. What's your gut feeling about it all? Do you think she/ he has wrote the cheque knowing they had'nt got the money? Are they capable of that? When you lent it did you feel uneasy about the situation? Sometimes our intuition is a good indication as to whether we should or shouldn't do things. I really hope you get a satisfactory outcome cat! No true friend should make you feel uncomfortable about anything though!
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Your body language sets the tone for the discussion.
Do you want it confrontational? Then face them, look them in the eye and consider having your arms folded.
If however, you want to keep it friendly and show you are giving the benefit of the doubt, then this is all wrong.
Position yourself at the side of them, and gently raise the subject as others have suggested. If the discussion doesn't bring the result you want, then change your body position into a more assertive style, and ask direct questions.
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Question Author
Rtaxron thats exactly the advice i needed your fabulous
:-D.thanx 2 every1 else for your advice it all helped me look at my options :-D
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I don't know how old you are Cat, but when I was younger, I was the same, people did take advantage of my quiet, polite demeanour, but so much crap has happened over the years at the hands of other people, where I've lost out, usually financially, that as I've become older, I've gone full circle.
My problem now is how to deal with things without being aggressive about it. I now have no problem telling people what I want or what I think, which can be a problem, as I'm sure I must appear confrontational at times.
You may need to take a self assertion course, so you can learn how to get your point across, directly and concisely. If you tend to dither when asking for something, it comes across as weakness and you will get nowhere.
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Question Author
hi Velvetee i think your right i am too nice and hate to accuse anyone but i think i need to stick tyo my guns and just say it.i know in my head what to say but it doesnt seem to wanna come out.i dont wanna be aggresive and this usually doesnt get a result.i'll just take a deep breath and say it.
any other advice is welcomed :-D
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Question Author
Rtaxron thanx 4 that you have cheered me up.i will try and stay nice but not get walked all over.i guess i believed the numerous promises and there have been dozens that i would get my money back.should i just turn up or say i am going round?
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Your friend will know that the cheque has bounced, and will have known it was going to bounce even before you did, so don't feel awkward about asking for cash, and right away!
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