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what am i doing with him?
37 Answers
why am i still with someone who has cheated on me three times with the same woman on and off for the last ten years then does exactly the same again with an office junior? he loses his job because of it, we get married after it and im going through even worse emotions now and almost on the edge,he is a reminder after all. we had counselling to find out why he did it the first time, not many answers there and also because i couldnt forget what he had done. he was told that it was like being an alcoholic, keeping the brown bag on the bottle of booze and resisting temptation. after all i was trying to forget, im totally in shock how he could do exactly the same again after everything ive been through. we got married to move on, then he lost his job because of what he did. i sob every day looking at where we have ended up and really am questioning myself, wondering what kind of person i am to allow this to happen to me and im still around.. i must be weak, a coward, but then again could it be the opposite, strong to have tolerated so much but still mistrusting him. he says it can work but i think about it every day and see it partly that if he sees me moving on then he will think that ive forgiven him, accepted what he did so then he may do it again. its a long horrific story. photos showing them holding hands which i cant get out of my head. maybe hes making the most of it, god knows. i dont want to get a job as hes put me in this mess so i think he can get me out of it. i need to get out the house but the area we moved to is so depressing to even stroll round and i dont have a car. doc says im stressed and depressed but ive had enough of counselling and anti depressants just mask the problem, i took them years ago. im taking sleeping tablets that i cant get off at the moment. i wake up in the early hours and start crying. what is to become of us.
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can you answer the question? why ARE you with him? everyone knows it's easier to stay put than to make the move, but where is your self-respect? you must know you deserve better.
don't expect him to sort out the mess. stand on your own two feet, get out there and live your own life. you'll be proud of yourself when you look back and see what you've achieved.
don't expect him to sort out the mess. stand on your own two feet, get out there and live your own life. you'll be proud of yourself when you look back and see what you've achieved.
It,s got to stop sunnydaze.....you,re the only one who can do it. Get out and start your own life. Find somewhere to stay and just go.If you have been together so long you might have mortgages to settle etc etc. Does he pay towards anything?Why can,t he go?Isn,t there anybody you can go too for advice......your doctor I,m sure to put you on to the social services to get you out of it. The problem is him.It,s sometimes easier said than done but you need space and a bit of time now. You must find your own independence. Somehow.You can do it.I wish you lots of luck, you
Be brave, sunnydaze - leave. It will hurt but you will get through it. Don't let yourself be walked all over any more, you have to take this step or you will never get out of this spiral. As sara says, you deserve better for yourself - and don't let this awful experience lead you to believe that you won't find a good guy some day who will love you for you. Go.
probably Jenna, though he says now that we are married it is different, the commitment is there. he said the other day that as i would never marry him before, maybe he felt insecure and unwanted/rejected. maybe. i do wonder if we should be together, he says we will make it through this. thing is, hes been taught a lesson, lost his job but he didnt lose me. would he have been bothered, who knows. i know ive let him off too many times and i should have walked teaching him that lesson. sara, i dont have any self respect no, i cant have surely. im scared if i get on with my life, as i say, it will give him an open book to do it again, me accepting things and moving on though i know at the moment im getting nowhere. we do get on really well thats the thing and love each other's company. something went wrong somewhere. office flirts for one including himself and it got him into trouble. coming home to the norm i suppose is boring and when a younger attractive woman shows an interest, he couldnt resist. i just dont know what he was thinking, risking his very high postiion and excellent salary. he says he doesnt know either! im in shock still and need to get it out my system somehow, it is sheer disbelief and ive been left with nothing but him and bad memories. i know people move on, leave, but im just not one of those statistically, im a non conformist and always have been and an idiot at that! how do i stop myself feeling like this!?
Sunny - it takes two to tango, you can't blame office flirts for leading your bloke astray, and he can't have his cake and eat it too. How would be feel if it was you that was carrying on so obviously, lost your job, etc.? - I bet he would go ballistic. You've said he's got you where he wants you, you really do have to give him an ultimatum, and he needs to see (and believe) that you won't put up with this rubbish from him. If you don't want to leave then I really don't know what to say - but don't make excuses for him. Does he wear a wedding ring? - if not, why not? - he married you as much as you married him!
but weve only been married since september, two weeks into it she took him to the cleaners at work and he then lost his job. when we decided to get married after what he did to me again, we saw it as now or never and i was prepared to let things go and put things behind us. i dont feel married anymore, only for those two weeks, its very sad but we both said we didnt ever want to get divorced, though i know people do. two weeks after when he lost his job it was horrendous what we both went through, hearing, lying to friends, embarrassment, having to move area,lying to inlaws, finding a new job, doing up a small house ontop of everything that happened so quickly ie me discovering what he was doing again and confronting him and then her, police involved, leaving dear friends behind and a wonderful lifestyle. i think we didnt appreciate what we had and now its too late.its only now ive had chance to sit down with a bit of time to myself and i realise just how much has happened in a short period of time. i think i was autopilot at the time and now reality is hitting home.
im not making excuses for him, just stating what happened, you are right though, doesnt take someone in the office to just offer it though it was both times. it is really worrying, i wonder what kind of person is he, to do something that he did before and he knew devastated me. he does take our marriage very seriously and yes, wears a ring and very proud of it. it was something he always wanted and said we should have done it years ago. i know i should be worrying about myself but what made him do it after being told by the counsellor not to go there. hes not right and i cant be either. he found his girlfriend in bed with a bloke years ago, i think if i had done it he would have just walked, unlike me. again not making excuses, relationships are very complex. i wish i had a crystal ball, if he did it now we were married it would tip me over the edge, how much more can you take. i want it to work but i just cant stop cryijng and thinking about it everyday. i dont want to get a job either or go out much as i dont want to pretend to people that i am ok when im not. ive done that in the past and dont want to do it again, why should i if i feel rubbish inside.
i suppose im expecting you to tell me what i cant work out in my head, why im still here, what kind of a person am i? i told him i think im not mentally well and dont know how to get help as ive already dismissed most obvious options that ive already mentioned here. will i stay with him? will i suddenly one day come to my senses and see it for what it is or am i already seeing sense and wanting to make it work but dont know how it will, confused, maybe i am.
I'll give you my honest opinion. we all get married with good intentions but it doesn't always work out, and that doesn't mean it's your fault.
you need time out from this. take time to find out who you are, what you want, what works for you.
if you stay with him you'll probably be doing this many more times, only you'll feel more drained and less likely to make a sensible decision. do you want to look back in a few years and think "I should have done it then"?
you need time out from this. take time to find out who you are, what you want, what works for you.
if you stay with him you'll probably be doing this many more times, only you'll feel more drained and less likely to make a sensible decision. do you want to look back in a few years and think "I should have done it then"?
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