Worried About My Son

[nailit]

My sons mum kicked him out a few weeks ago and since then hes basically been sofa surfing. He comes mine for a bath, change of clothes and something to eat and sometimes a bed for the night. He has no job and claims no benefits so everyone else is keeping him. We had a row this morning because he had no clean clothes to wear (theyr still in the washing basket) and I told him that hes got to start to take at least SOME responsibility for himself, I provide him with food and money when I have any spare. Hes in court on Tuesday so will HAVE to find some way to pay his fines.
I know that tough love may be required with him but I think that hes suffering from depression (not helped by the weed he smokes with his mates) and he didn't have an easy time living with his mum (not wanting to go into details here). He left mine this morning with me telling him not to come back until his attitude changes but I know that he WILL come back and I'll relent again. Hes my only child and I cant stand the thought of him walking the streets at night when he has a bed at mine. Maybe Im just letting of a bit of steam here but I don't know what to do for the best...

[nailit]

TOGO and pixie, Yes, CAB might be an option in that way, thanks

[pixie374]

I wouldn't let him walk the streets either- but you can make some conditions while he is staying at yours.

[anneasquith]

Nailit and mall, good luck to you both, and yes they will always be our children .

[mallyh]

yes everyone else is to blame ,they are very very selfish and only they matter.my daughter has just lost her husband and he went round there and told her he was having a hard time ,is it ONLY dope your son is on .

[andy-hughes]

SherryBea - //andy, your explanation just makes it worst for me, showing a child the door because mummy is upset and can't cope.. //

You can scoff with the lofty sanctimonious perception of someone who has never been in my - or indeed nailit's situation, but that doesn't mean you have a clue what you are talking about - clearly you don't.


// ...anyway this is not about you Andy its about nailit's son // - indeed it is.

So the more helpful advice he is receiving on here is coming from people who have been in his situation, know how he feels, and have some practical advice on his way forward.

Your 'earth mother' - he is my child and I can't be tough with him in case he doesn't love me any more - is not that advice.

[nailit]

// but you can make some conditions while he is staying at yours. //
Ive give up on trying to impose conditions, its just a constant battle. As I said earlier, I half hope that he ends up doing a couple of weeks in clink where he will HAVE to do thing he doesn't want to do (making his bed, keeping his cell clean, keeping himself clean etc)

[Errrrrr]

If you want my advice, he is your son, tough love doesn't work for me, I would do the complete opposite. Get him home with a roof over his head, then you can stop worrying about one thing, show him you love him and the other things you can get help with, there is a lot support out there x

[mallyh]

nailit talking on here and letting a bit of steam off is better than bottling it up I do hope your son goes to get help ,admitting he has a problem will be the first step ,it is so hard I know xxx

[pixie374]

Don't give up- even if it is a constant battle for a while. I'm not sure that 2 weeks of having to make his bed in prison will teach him that for long. The depression and motivation need sorting first, the rest will follow then.

[nailit]

//is it ONLY dope your son is on //
Its only dope that I know off mally, I do know that hes tried hallucinogenics in the past (mushrooms, lsd) and he got arrested xmas eve for been drunk.

[SherryBea]

andy wrote: "Your 'earth mother' - he is my child and I can't be tough with him in case he doesn't love me any more - is not that advice."

If you put half as much effort into reading other peoples posts correctly, as you do to writing your voluminous tomes, you may understand what I'm trying to say....and you can be helpful and supportive and steer someone to autonomy without being 'tough'.

[andy-hughes]

Errrr - Again I speak from experience here - parents only embark on the proverbial 'tough love' because unconditional support has singularly failed to work.

Like any parents who love our child, we tried every option you can think of - and probably a few more, to get her to behave like a human being, and we failed. We reached the stage where she was stealing from us, and becoming physically violent. With a toddling baby and a fourteen-year-old to care for as well, the constant screaming matches, the filth, the violence, the stealing, 24/7 simply because too much to bear, and everytghing we had tried made absolutely no difference whatsoever.

I cried the day she left, and for a long time afterwards, and I made sure we kept in touch, and assured her that home was here if she could make herself someone we could live with - not an angel, not even nice all the time, just not the evil harridan she had become.

It's not a trendy way out of responsibility, it's the very last resort when absolutely everything else has failed and even parents' love and support is not making the changes that have to come.

[nailit]

For the posters who are telling me that tough love doesn't work, while I greatly appreciate your imput (and your kindness in replying) I honestly don't know what else to do. Ive always been there for him, always stood by him and have even ended relationships because he came first in my life. Now I feel that hes taking me for a mug.

[Patsy33]

As much as it hurts to say this Naillit, it might be just what is needed, ( a couple of weeks inside clink). He needs a wake up call, a boot up the backside to get him back to reality. He might get more help from different services if this happens. Never easy dealing with your kids. I know... Hope things change for the better soon.x

[andy-hughes]

SheeryBea - //and you can be helpful and supportive and steer someone to autonomy without being 'tough'. //

Read my post above this one - no, you can't.

And if heaven forbid you find yourself here, you will find that out the hard way as everyone else does.

Until then, you are not qualified to judge other people on things you know nothing about.

[SherryBea]

nailit, this is why input from 'strangers' is good, it makes you think. Whatever your decision I wish you all the luck in the world and hope the good work and love you have invested in your son eventually pays off and he is able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. x

[SherryBea]

andy will you please just take your batteries out -this is not the andy hughes show its now getting tedious and you are spoiling nailit's thread.

[mallyh]

SherryBea you have to get tough as people on drugs have no thought for anyone but themselves full of pity and constantly whining it's not their fault ,once they admit they have a problem you back them all the way but it is very wearing trying to get them to do things like showering and helping in the house and not expecting you to fund their life .

[nailit]

Have to disagree sherry, andys imput has been very welcome..as has yours and everyone elses.

[SherryBea]

mallyh I understand. My brother committed suicide years ago , he was a heroine addict and my parents never forgave themselves although they did what they could.