Crosswords0 min ago
A Collection
An irate old lady called the newspaper office loudly demanding to know where her Sunday paper was.
"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday edition is not delivered until tomorrow, Sunday."
There was a long pause on the other end of the line.
Then she was heard to mutter, "Well, darn, that explains why no one was at church this morning."
A man was standing in a gallery, studying two near-identical pictures by the same artist. Both showed a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls, a bowl of salad and a plate of smoked salmon.
Yet one painting was priced £150, the other at £125.
So, he asked the gallery owner to explain why one was more expensive than the other.
"It's simple," said the gallery owner, indicating the more expensive painting.
"You get two extra slices of smoked salmon in that one."
Death came to a guy and said, “My friend today is your day."
The guy said, “But I am not ready!"
Then death said, "Well your name is the next on my list."
So the guy told death, "Ok why don't you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before we go?"
Death said, "All right."
The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it, death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep. The guy took the list and removed his name from top of the list to the bottom of the list.
When death woke up he said to the guy, "I will start from the bottom of the list because you have been so very nice to me."
A woman is in Paris and is visiting "The Louvre" museum.
She looks at the paintings and suddenly she says, "Is this a dreadful painting or what! I can't believe that a respectable place like this could have such a horrible piece of art in its collection."
"Pardon, Madame!" one of the staff says, "But it's not a painting, it's a mirror."
"Doctor, you have got to help my husband," a farmer's wife said frantically.
"He thinks he's a racehorse. He wants to live in a stable; he walks on all fours and he even eats hay."
"I'm sure I can cure him," the doctor replied, "but it'll be very costly."
"Oh, money's no object," she responded. "He's already won two races."
"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday edition is not delivered until tomorrow, Sunday."
There was a long pause on the other end of the line.
Then she was heard to mutter, "Well, darn, that explains why no one was at church this morning."
A man was standing in a gallery, studying two near-identical pictures by the same artist. Both showed a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls, a bowl of salad and a plate of smoked salmon.
Yet one painting was priced £150, the other at £125.
So, he asked the gallery owner to explain why one was more expensive than the other.
"It's simple," said the gallery owner, indicating the more expensive painting.
"You get two extra slices of smoked salmon in that one."
Death came to a guy and said, “My friend today is your day."
The guy said, “But I am not ready!"
Then death said, "Well your name is the next on my list."
So the guy told death, "Ok why don't you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before we go?"
Death said, "All right."
The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it, death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep. The guy took the list and removed his name from top of the list to the bottom of the list.
When death woke up he said to the guy, "I will start from the bottom of the list because you have been so very nice to me."
A woman is in Paris and is visiting "The Louvre" museum.
She looks at the paintings and suddenly she says, "Is this a dreadful painting or what! I can't believe that a respectable place like this could have such a horrible piece of art in its collection."
"Pardon, Madame!" one of the staff says, "But it's not a painting, it's a mirror."
"Doctor, you have got to help my husband," a farmer's wife said frantically.
"He thinks he's a racehorse. He wants to live in a stable; he walks on all fours and he even eats hay."
"I'm sure I can cure him," the doctor replied, "but it'll be very costly."
"Oh, money's no object," she responded. "He's already won two races."
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