What Would You Do ?

[DEN53]

I have just realised my Mum's wedding ring is missing from her hand. As some of you may know, we had her moved from one Care Home she was in on the 30th November to the one she is in now. She always had the ring on, but on the day she was moved to the new Care Home, they took photos of her hands and arms (very bad bruising) and the ring was definately missing.

We checked her file yesterday and on the inventory, no gold wedding ring was mentioned amongst her belongings when she arrived.

Have been telephoning the old Care Home all morning and they are giving me the round around. Manager on the phone, busy, blah blah blah....

I know what I would like to do, but that would involve violence - so what do you think my next move should be ?

[Barmaid]

The difficulty with any police involvement is that your mum is unlikely to be able to give evidence. As long as you are sure that the ring was on when she entered the old care home I would do the following:-

first of all write down all dates, time, places etc of what you recall - the more contemporaneous this is the better
Secondly, I would not suggest you visit yourself since there then could be an allegation against you.
Thirdly, I would write a formal letter, sent by recorded delivery asking for a) answers as to how mum got bruised and b) asking as to whereabouts the ring is. There may be a perfectly innocent explanation.

Tell them you are expecting an answer within 21 days else you will be referring the matter to your solicitors with a view to making a claim for personal injury (btw do you have an EPA for mum?) and interference with goods (theft).

Abuse of the elderly is one of the most insidious crimes in society today. You have my sympathy.

BM x

(PS contact me on FB - others on here have my details - if I can help further)

[DEN53]

Rowan - my Mum is only on Aspirin and I know this would cause bruising. Since being in this new Care Home, her arms have cleared up, not a bruise in sight. I know they were rough handling her at the old place, and in her muddled way, my Mum used to try and tell me this.

I also have an idea who was doing this to her, but I have no proof. My Mum is being looked after now and is much happier. I just want justice for the poor ladies we have left behind in the old Care Home, I witnessed on every visit to my Mum, these ladies were not looking quite right every time I went.

I have just rang the old Care Home again - Manager still not available, but receptionist told me, its a bit 'late in the day' after a few months to be checking for lost rings...................but I will keep my calm.

Thanks Lottie, wingnut and flobadob xxx

[DEN53]

Hello Barmaid - thanks for your input - when I get the photos, I was going to ask for your opinion on them. Yep, she definately had the ring when she went into the old Care Home (I had to sign a inventory form for jewellery to say thats all she had).

When she was in the old Care Home, I did challenge them and ask why was she so bruised and the answer would be 'its because she is on Aspirin' which I did accept to a point, but she has been on Aspirin for a good many years and even when she was in her own house, I had to shower her (which was'nt easy), and my Dad had to put her to bed, take her to the toilet etc, but she never had one bruise on her.

When I saw these photos, the head nurse at the Home where she is now, said it was consistent with being manhandled.

I am on FB, but not sure who you are on there Barmaid.

[LoftyLottie]

So pleased Barmaid has posted her very wise advice. We are lucky to have her on here. Don't tell her though - she may get big headed ;o).

[DEN53]

she is also a lovely lady, Lottie, we are lucky to have many knowledgable people on AB. xx

[LoftyLottie]

Yep. They outweigh the others!!

[TTG]

Buy some trendy (but inexpensive jewellery) leave it in a drawer somewhere. Not sure what's in fashion at the moment. If it goes missing, there is your answer. If someone at the home finds and queries it (during a cleaning session for example) just say you left it so your mother has something of yours and feels you are always with her.

[LoftyLottie]

TTG This happened in a different care home. DEN's mum has now been transferred to a different home.

[zzxxee]

hi den i will pm you on fb and let you know who barmaid is x

[zzxxee]

Den facebook message sent x

[beattie819]

I had to put my Mum in a home for 2 weeks when I was ill last year. The home was recommended by social services. Mum lost her hearing aids, glasses were broken, pills were all mixed up with someone elses. She was dressed in other peoples clothes. The place smelled of wee, and there didnt seem to be enough staff.I felt guilty enough putting her in there. She is now cared for by us at home, which is hard, especially now she becomes aggresive. So much for social services "4 star" care homes. I hope you get things sorted out Den, I really do.

[woofgang]

beattie did you complain?

[anneasquith]

contact the care commission who are responsible for the standard of care in the old care home your mum was in,get as much detail and pictures you have, good luck. anne

[sengas]

hi, so sorry to hear that your having trouble, l used to work in a care home near blackpool a few years ago and you really have to take charge of your mums belongings, all the clothes of course should be with her but l strongly recommend that belongings that are worth a lot you should be in charge though wedding rings and other personal stuff as long as the person is ok , by this l mean not suffering from any memory loss , l would write a letter to the previous carehome telling them that when she arrived at her new place her ring was missing also l would mention informing social services etc., l would like to say she will get her ring back but in all honesty l dont think so , there is so many ways she could have misled it ie taking it of while washing in bed l found a lot of the woman l looked after would turn their ring and just be touching it , l think it brings a lot of memories, also now this is'nt the good part but there is also a lot of horrible people who get jobs working with the elderly only to steal from them this made my blood boil as you can imagine, l do hope your mum's ring appears but l dont hold out much hope l would be glad that your mum is away from that place as the one she is in now seems more responsible and that has gotta be good. I hope she is'nt missing it to much again l am so sorry l get so angry at the way we treat our old folk and l am getting there good luck to you .

[Marijn]

Some care homes are lovely, so don't be put off. There is a lady at my mum's home who keeps walking off with mum's things, like her teddy and her jewellery (and she sometimes wears her cardigan). This lady is mum's best friend there and she only does it cos she's senile, there's no bad intent. So it could be an innocent reason why your mum's ring has been mislaid. The important thing is the rough handling your mum has had. We thought mum's wedding ring was gone for good, but we found it in her purse in her bedsise cabinet.

[4getmenot]

we get a few calls at work from clients families to say items have gone missing from their homes. Alot of the time the elderley misplace them. Id go to the care home in person and ask. 2 of our carers went to a house over weekend knocked at door and no answer, all curtains were shut, they then got in round back and found the elderley couple tied up and gagged.

[beattie819]

Woofgang, I did complain, but not hard enough really. I was going for chemo at the time, and wasnt in the right frame of mind to do much. I have learned a lot from that experience.

[Eve]

Oh Den, it must be heartbreaking for you.

I also wondered if the ring could have been taken off if she was that badly bruised and it her hands or fingers were swollen at all. I do hope there is an explanation and it's found somewhere safe though I hope you get a proper answer about the bruising and any necessary action is taken.

Did she lose any weight in the previous home which could have made it loose and maybe slip off or be taken off and put somewhere safe? Both my nans lost a significant amount of weight as they got older.

I'd be interested to at least having a general chat with the police (bearing in mind, of course, Barmaid's comments) in case there may have been other incidences reported which could point to the answer.