I am for a bit,all I can say is I am sad you are going through bad things and hope you will get a hand to help you out. For me in my dark nights all I can do is change from a day at a time to an hour at a time and choose my best option at that point. Right now it is tea and a few minutes on here. Next time it might be allow tears to fall to release pressure. Hopefully knowing that someone can suffer depressive episodes since early teens is still standing with many happy memories at 62 will show you that no matter what c r..p. happens life will not always be chaotic and painful.