How Do You Tell Someone

[seanne]

That you are not interested in a friendship without sounding too awful ?
She is wanting to be friends but we are on different wavelengths. I keep getting phone calls and messages. I don't contact her, but she does not seem to get the message.

[woofgang]

just stop answering and delete as they arrive

[seanne]

Hi Wolfgang I am not answering the phone when her number comes up or answering her messages or replying to her voicemails.

[andy-hughes]

Eventually the lack of response will penetrate. Hang in there.

[seanne]

Thanks Andy

[andy-hughes]

No problem.

Some people are just less sensitive to what is going on around them, but as I say, the evasion tactic always penetrates in the end.

[seanne]

I am very aware of things but this lady just isn't taking the hint.

[AuntPollyGrey]

Then don't hint. Send her a text with 'stop bothering me please'. What's the worse thing that can happen? is she someone you are likely to come into contact with?

[calmck]

Have you blocked her number

[andy-hughes]

I would never deliberately hurt someone simply because they were bad at interacting.

The lady may be lonely with limited interpersonal skills, why upset her when she may not even understand why?

Keep your distance, she will realise even if it takes a little time.

[MallyJ]

I tried the ignoring strategy, the 'lets not discuss that now' and staying for pretend meetings after work (we worked in the same place). I tried all these strategies for a very long time..she got the message at xmas this year.....30 years of strategies ( 18 years working in the same place) and avoiding being rude and even living in north Africa for a year or two........it drove me insane...I suggest you just stop her in her tracks now or you may well have the same for years. Trouble is mostly we are brought up to be polite...I blame my parents!

[dannyk13]

Block her phone number.

[Barsel]

It's really difficult to do, I know, I have been trying this for years with someone and she just doesn't take the hint. If I don't answer my phone, she phones my mobile and if I don't answer that, I get a message to say, 'Are you unwell, I think I'd better come round to see you!' this of course is even worse because then I can't get rid of her. I would love to be able to ask her not to contact me again but I know she would be hurt and I just can't do it. Hopefully someone can advise how to do this without sounding cruel.

[pixie374]

Ignoring is the most rude and hurtful. Tell her, and explain. It will be much easier for her in the long- run.

[AuntPollyGrey]

I think its worse to just let her keep trying to get into contact with you and ignoring you. At least if you make it plain you don't want to have a friendship ( and you don't have to say why) she will know where she stands.

[Barsel]

To all those who have said be upfront and just tell her, how would you feel if someone said that to you?

[pixie374]

Upset at first... maybe... but preferable to being upset for years. I think it depends whether you want to protect yourself first, or save her feelings....
To say that she seems a lovely person, but just not on the same wavelength would be kinder than keeping her hopes up for a long time. She probably already has some idea by now.

[youngmafbog]

I think it depends on the person you are trying to communicate to. Being up front is all well and good (and yes I do tend to be that way) but if the person you are talking to is not carrying a full load or is mentally unstable I think a softer tactic is needed. After all how would you feel if the person topped themselves because you were the umpteenth person to do this?

Difficult one, persevere as AH says I think is the best advice I have seen on here.

[jennyjoan]

I too was in that position but mine was 50 years of strategies. She lived in England (but from Ireland) and not only over the years invited herself to my home but her husband and children.

She is an extremely confident person and so took over my home and I completely zoned out and allowed her. However after that last time when she was here and I cried sore - I said never again. She contacted me last year to tell me she was coming "home". She's been saying that for years but she has no "home". She sent me loads of emails and phone calls and I avoided every single one of them but she kept it up - guess what - she said her husband and her were coming in a caravan and going to park somewhere beside me. I just then sent her an email to say N O spells no and "please don't ever phone or email me again". I never heard of her again and the relief I have had since then has been brilliant.

PS - I had given loads of hints whilst she was here - I didn't speak, didn't cook, bought nothing - but she ignored it all and had a great week meeting very old friends.

Some people just can't be told.

[fiction-factory]

I'd feel hurt but on balance I'd rather know than waste a lot of time and energy trying to engage with someone who resented my attempts to make contact. I think I'd have got the hint though by now though

[pixie374]

I don't know... I would never ignore another human, I think that is the worst thing you could do. But have been on the other end, and it's the hope that is the worst. Communication and honesty is the only way- and you don't need to be brutal about it.