partners not 'putting out'

[Snafu03]

recently read in the paper about a man who killed his wife because she'd refused him sex for 2 years. An extreme example to say the least but the cause of it was the ongoing sexual neglect inflicting on him by someone who was no doubt happy to enjoy the security of a relationship with him but not have any physical feelings for him (thats 'in my opinion')

The disparity between what couples view as 'often enough' sex is hardly uncommon. I know of alot of male friends of mine who are resentful of wifes/partners not putting out enough. No doubt there are equal amounts of men who arent showing their wives enough attention in that department as well.

But if the frustation of sexual neglect would be enough to tempt you into cheating, you are always going to be in the wrong and jeopardise your marriage, family and house. Is denying a partner their sexual needs fair? There is always an underlying reason why one partner doesnt want to participate (its not you its me etc etc) Fair enough, but does that partner not realise that an outlet has to be provided for their other half who still has the urge?

Its something couples have to work with I guess. But if one partner is happy with every other aspect of the relationship are they going to want to fix something they're not really bothered with? Talking it through will more than likely lead to resentment and creating a sexual taboo between the couple; this is because it should come naturally and not need to be discussed.

[beso]

My wife and I have been very lucky and throughout our long relationship we have always been very well matched. Both of us are less inclined as we get older but we still look forward to having quality time with each other at least once a week.

A lot of the matching comes from a long history of great sex together. When one is feeling that way the memory of how nice it is is easily rekindled in the other. We have never had to discuss "not getting enough".

It is really important to make sure sex works well when you are young or it will go bad with age. Women who fake it are making a very big mistake.

My wife knows quite a few women who are disappointed that their husbands are not up for it anymore so the problem definitely isn't all one way.

[snags]

''Talking it through will more than likely lead to resentment''

Initially perhaps a little, but communication is the key. If you don't talk how is your partner supposed to know how you're feeling?

[jno]

'it should come naturally'... well, yes, sure. But you don't say what happens if it doesn't.If I'd been her I might have had qualms about sex with someone with homicidal urges. Divorce is a painful business but less so than murder.

[4getmenot]

Surely if a man cant cope with not getting sex then he should just leave his wife not start up affairs. Is it fair to force a woman into sex when she doesnt want it? No.

[Greedyfly]

At the same time though if the women has no urge then it should be discussed between the two. Sex is too taboo still. I talk to my O/H about sex often and we have been together a long time now. You have to communicate otherwise you will start to wonder if the grass is greener. He should have approached the situation like the adult he is supposed to be.

Not everyone has a high sex drive, if at all. Some couples are not exactly matched sexually but are in every other way - there are ways to cope with this!

[pastafreak]

According to this-he sounds like a less than considerate man.....swamping her with sex guides 5 days after she gave birth. That is not exactly "talking it through". Putting pressure on, is more like it.

[pastafreak]

oooops...forgot this...

http://www.telegraph....r-divorce-threat.html

[tamborine]

Sex education should inform of needs & desires. I believe sex to be a man's driving force, without it he's like a stalled engine. Women tire from domestic & kids demands but 'must' find energy to support the father, for a happy union. imo

[Greedyfly]

But some people are just born that way also. Everyone has a different sex drive some are rampant and some middle and some none. It surely isn't a man or women's fault if they have no desire for sex? But as said before it needs to be discussed.

[pastafreak]

It has to come naturally...I can't think of anything worse than viewing sex as a 'duty'.

[ummmm]

And yet another Tambo classic....

A mans driving force....what a load of tosh.

[daffy654]

I think tambo get these strange ideas about relationships from 1930/40s women's magazines.

[tamborine]

Marriage vows : "With my body I honour you" !

[snags]

^ 'even if I'm not in the mood'. Great.

[Greedyfly]

First time I have heard that!

You also generally say to love and to cherish - loving someone surely means not making them do something they have no desire to do?

[Greedyfly]

I am having flashbacks to my religious family members with this thread, Jehovahs/Mormons.

[tamborine]

desires can be worked on or see a doc.

Those were my traditional vows.

[Greedyfly]

So if I have no sex drive due to say illness or just the fact that I am not that bothered I should be medicated?

[snags]

Oh come on Greedy... everybody knows 'you'll enjoy it once you get going'...

[tamborine]

gf....if your OH wants/needs it & you want a happy union, then yes. Marriage is not for platonic friendships its for procreation.