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Is it safe to say my marriage is over?
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I found out that my husband cheated on me last May. He was with this women for less than a year. My husband and I met in high school in 1994 and were married in 2001. We were so very close and now I feel so betrayed and angry. He has tried to do little things to make me feel secure but there is one thing that he will not do and that is he will not let me know see who this women is. I don't want to have dinner with the girl. I just want to look her in her face thats all! I ask him to let me see who she is, but he just says your crazy and your tripping and then he becomes mute. When he does this it just confirms that either he is still seeing her or he just has her on hold just in case it doesn't work between us. I do admit I'am having a very difficult time dealing with this. I cry all the time, I'm depressed. I can't get any peace because I think about him and her together all the time. Its almost as if I saw him with her. I'am so angry and I don't know were to put this anger I have no place to put it. As soon as something happens that I don't like I blw up and I start throwing the fact that he cheated on me in his face. I told him that if he didn't let me see her I was going to move on and date other people. I really think I answered my own question.
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I asked him what was wrong. He said I didn't do anything wrong it was just bad timing. I don't know what the heck that meant. I asked him was it the sex and he said that there was nothing wrong with our sex life. I really feel like he is not being totally honest with me thats why I keep looking for answers elsewhere if he would just be honest I don't think I would be going through all of this. If hes not in love with me anymore I wish he would tell me so I can get over it and move on with my life.
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That;s the most sensible thing you've said in a while Ft. You're absolutely right, you do need to know the score and he needs to be brave and honest with you too. If he can't do that for you then he is not as prepared to work as hard as you and you should throw all your efforts in to getting yourself well.
You found out he was having an affair ... so no honest declaration from him then? I can understand your morbid curiosity, I can! Sounds like he is wanting you to reach the conclusion that he is not a very nice person so you can tell him to ' go away' and then he can move on without a bother - cause you told him to go away! He hung around - perhaps he want's to preserve the illusion to the greater world that he is a 'good guy'!
Your issue is with your Husband he wasn't honest with you ... how can you be so sure that he was upfront about everything with the other woman. Yes she has contributed to your misery but you weren't married to her. Gosh this looks quite harsh ... I honestly don't mean it in a nasty way but some times you need to look through the eyes of someone who is evaluating the situation from a fresh, non emotional, view point.
Do not say anthing further about this other person ... just make him tell what you want to know & that is exactly what is it that he wants, ask him why is he still hanging about, what is he going to do to improve his role in the relationship if you choose to retry,how will you feel if you move thro' the depression & he changes his mind and you find yourself back where you started. If I were you I would chalk it up to experience ( you can learn something even from a bad one ) and move on. This is because I would not be able to trust them again - I would not burden myself with deep dark thoughts - sounds like you'll be the only one who is eaten away by it all. There is nothing wrong with a good vent ... a scream from the heart in the woods. Buy a cheap junker and set about it with a baseball bat ... whatever works for you as long as you are causing no harm to yourself or others. You need to be able to find a point from where you can ACT on your own choices and beliefs: not REACT to whatever new nugget of info you find out.
I wish you the very best of luck in finding a positive resolution to your situation.
Your issue is with your Husband he wasn't honest with you ... how can you be so sure that he was upfront about everything with the other woman. Yes she has contributed to your misery but you weren't married to her. Gosh this looks quite harsh ... I honestly don't mean it in a nasty way but some times you need to look through the eyes of someone who is evaluating the situation from a fresh, non emotional, view point.
Do not say anthing further about this other person ... just make him tell what you want to know & that is exactly what is it that he wants, ask him why is he still hanging about, what is he going to do to improve his role in the relationship if you choose to retry,how will you feel if you move thro' the depression & he changes his mind and you find yourself back where you started. If I were you I would chalk it up to experience ( you can learn something even from a bad one ) and move on. This is because I would not be able to trust them again - I would not burden myself with deep dark thoughts - sounds like you'll be the only one who is eaten away by it all. There is nothing wrong with a good vent ... a scream from the heart in the woods. Buy a cheap junker and set about it with a baseball bat ... whatever works for you as long as you are causing no harm to yourself or others. You need to be able to find a point from where you can ACT on your own choices and beliefs: not REACT to whatever new nugget of info you find out.
I wish you the very best of luck in finding a positive resolution to your situation.
But surely one mistake shouldn't necessarily mean the end of what might've previously been a good marriage? I think that if ft just walks away and chalks it up to experience, she might harbour resentment which could carry over into a new relationship. Trust has to be earnt, and unless ft's husband is an out and out rotten apple, then maybe there were aspects of the marriage which the husband wasn't happy with. Talking it vital, as you say, but why give in so easily if you still have feelings for each other?
It wasn't a one night stand , or a series of them it was a relationship, he got caught - he didn't confess, & is not offering to assuage FJT's fears and tells her she is tripping ( he caused those feelings and insecurities ) : is that boding well for future communications ... I dunno. If he wanted an improved relationship he could have piped up about these potential issues and been open that matters needed to be addressed. He chose to 'outsource' that job for whatever reason. If he is a fantastic man that you cannot live without give it another go by all means but take the job on with your eyes wide open. Do you think that you can ever really fully trust him and will feel loved and cherished in the relationship. Already there is friction as he wants to walk to a separate beat by not going to therapy which is obviously something that FJT would like - so who is already going to have to compromise their own wishes ?
Hey even if if Fjt thinks I am being harsh it will help her on her path to a decision - so all is not lost. There is merit in both points of view for sure! Love Sense. X.
Hey even if if Fjt thinks I am being harsh it will help her on her path to a decision - so all is not lost. There is merit in both points of view for sure! Love Sense. X.
sorry to say I think Sense4all is right. It takes two to make a relationship. If he doesn't want to bother, which rather sounds as though it's the case, you can't do it alone. You can stay married to him but it won't make him behave any better. Do you really think you can change his mind on this? Maybe so, but it won't be by blaming him and accusing him, even if you're in the right. Especially if you're in the right. In effect, what you want is for things to be the way they were a couple of years ago. This cannot happen; everything has changed, as it always does. Leave him to his girlfriend - I suspect she'll soon regret it.
Hi everyone,
Thanks so much for your advice. I don't know what to think as I'am very numb about it all. I'am super weak for him even though he did what he did. I told him yesterday that I was going to move out and find an apartment and get a second job to pay bills on my own. His reply was how are you going to work two jobs with the kids, I don't think its a good idea. I'm in the hospital know with my youngest child and when we went home last night he didn't seem angry with me anymore, then early this morning he wanted to have sex and stupid me I gave in. I know by doing this i have made him feel secure. I feel so stupid now!
Thanks so much for your advice. I don't know what to think as I'am very numb about it all. I'am super weak for him even though he did what he did. I told him yesterday that I was going to move out and find an apartment and get a second job to pay bills on my own. His reply was how are you going to work two jobs with the kids, I don't think its a good idea. I'm in the hospital know with my youngest child and when we went home last night he didn't seem angry with me anymore, then early this morning he wanted to have sex and stupid me I gave in. I know by doing this i have made him feel secure. I feel so stupid now!
When I did find out I asked him because I wanted to hear it from him. I had already called the girl to see if he indeed was having an affair. I found out because he was acting awfully strange and he left his phone downstairs, so I tried to go through his phone. I couldn't get into it because he had it on a secure code, but I found it very odd that his friend LArry would be texting him at 7:00am. I called the number and her answering machine came on, right then and there I knew that he was with her. When I did confront him he looked like he was about to cry but he didn't he just starred at me for 45 min. until I finally asked him again to tell me and then he confessed.
well, you know the truth so you have to decide what to do about it. Generally, you can't change someone else's behaviour, only your own. Giving in and having sex once doesn't mean you have to keep doing it; but you might like to ask yourself exactly why you gave in. Love, lust, laziness, exhaustion? What does this tell you about what you really want to do? I think you have to be very honest with yourself here.
As for moving out, you can do that and maybe should but you need to have a plan. Can you afford a place of your own? Have you got friends or family who will take you in till you can stand on your own feet again? What about the kids - can you get him to pay to support them? (Sorry, I don't know what PA law allows.) Anyway, think before you act; but when you've firmly made your mind up, stay firm.
As for moving out, you can do that and maybe should but you need to have a plan. Can you afford a place of your own? Have you got friends or family who will take you in till you can stand on your own feet again? What about the kids - can you get him to pay to support them? (Sorry, I don't know what PA law allows.) Anyway, think before you act; but when you've firmly made your mind up, stay firm.
Hey jno,
What do you mean by laziness? I would like to know what you meant by that. Sometimes you someone to tell u about yourslf, things that I may not be able to see. I don't think that laziness was the reason, but maybe if you clarify it may make a little sense to me. I really think that I did it because I want so badly to be connected to him again and I want the relationship I had before all of this, but I know that will never happen. I do love him but I'm very afraid of what will happen next with us. He already did the unspeakable (TO ME ANYWAY). I know I can stand on my own two feet. I'm a Clinical Research Coordinator for MS. I have an extensive background in the medical field and I could get a part-time job to make sure that my kids and I are comfortable, so I really don't think that is an issue. I have always been an independent woman. Maybe I was to independent for him. I keep hearing that men like to feel needed. I really have disconnected myself in some way because I feel so numb about everything.
What do you mean by laziness? I would like to know what you meant by that. Sometimes you someone to tell u about yourslf, things that I may not be able to see. I don't think that laziness was the reason, but maybe if you clarify it may make a little sense to me. I really think that I did it because I want so badly to be connected to him again and I want the relationship I had before all of this, but I know that will never happen. I do love him but I'm very afraid of what will happen next with us. He already did the unspeakable (TO ME ANYWAY). I know I can stand on my own two feet. I'm a Clinical Research Coordinator for MS. I have an extensive background in the medical field and I could get a part-time job to make sure that my kids and I are comfortable, so I really don't think that is an issue. I have always been an independent woman. Maybe I was to independent for him. I keep hearing that men like to feel needed. I really have disconnected myself in some way because I feel so numb about everything.
hi ftj, by laziness I meant that maybe it was easier to accept him than psyching yourself up to reject him - it was just one possible reason I suggested and there may have been other possible ones I didn't even think of. My advice is just that you should try hard to know your own mind, because that will make it easier to decide what you want to do and how best to go about it.
It's good if you're able to be financially independent, it means you don't have to stay with someone who's stopped loving you simply because you can't afford to leave. I don't suppose it will mean it's any easier emotionally to decide, though.
I don't think it will ever be possible to regain the past. Even if you stayed together you would still have the knowledge of what he did, however hard you tried to forgive and forget. If you think there's a way to save your marriage, go for it; it's always the best solution, especially when there are children involved. But as I think I said before, it sounds as if he's lost interest in trying, and it's not something that can be done by just one party. But if you're going to leave, you need an exit strategy - knowing where you're going to go and what you're going to do. I don't know if he's going to be willing to continue supporting the children, so you may have to consider whether you want to pursue him legally - it's not easy, legal action takes a lot of psychic energy you might prefer to save for raising the children.
There's no easy, low-impact solution to all of this, but it's important to deal with your own feelings so you're at ease with what you decide.
I am off to bed, it's 2.30am on this side of the Atlantic. Good luck.
It's good if you're able to be financially independent, it means you don't have to stay with someone who's stopped loving you simply because you can't afford to leave. I don't suppose it will mean it's any easier emotionally to decide, though.
I don't think it will ever be possible to regain the past. Even if you stayed together you would still have the knowledge of what he did, however hard you tried to forgive and forget. If you think there's a way to save your marriage, go for it; it's always the best solution, especially when there are children involved. But as I think I said before, it sounds as if he's lost interest in trying, and it's not something that can be done by just one party. But if you're going to leave, you need an exit strategy - knowing where you're going to go and what you're going to do. I don't know if he's going to be willing to continue supporting the children, so you may have to consider whether you want to pursue him legally - it's not easy, legal action takes a lot of psychic energy you might prefer to save for raising the children.
There's no easy, low-impact solution to all of this, but it's important to deal with your own feelings so you're at ease with what you decide.
I am off to bed, it's 2.30am on this side of the Atlantic. Good luck.
You've made some good points jno, but if ft's husband is still up for sex, and he's still THERE, then maybe, although he's getting the best of both worlds, he won't go to this other woman at the end of the day.
I also agree that ft shouldn't feel bad about being a capable woman, but , despite all this equality lark, men can be like babies if they feel they aren't getting the attention they need, and when that happens - they sometimes meet new partners who ARE prepared to pander to their whims. I think ft's got to weight up the odds of whether she'd be better off on her own with the children, or if she's prepared to make an effort to get back to that pre-marriage lovey-dovey stage, in order to win her husband back.
I also agree that ft shouldn't feel bad about being a capable woman, but , despite all this equality lark, men can be like babies if they feel they aren't getting the attention they need, and when that happens - they sometimes meet new partners who ARE prepared to pander to their whims. I think ft's got to weight up the odds of whether she'd be better off on her own with the children, or if she's prepared to make an effort to get back to that pre-marriage lovey-dovey stage, in order to win her husband back.
