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How should we respond to our lesbian daughter?
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Our twenty-five year old daughter announced last year that her roomate that shared her flat was "more" than just a roomate.
She lives in London and we live in Wolverhampton. We were shocked and disgusted. She has dated men before and even came close to being engaged once. We told her we would always love her no matter what, but we could never accept her lifestyle.
Until now, when she comes home to visit, she has always come alone, and has only told one of her siblings about her lesbainism. Two days ago, she left a message saying she wanted to come to visit next week with her partner, and would stay in a hotel.
My husband and I are torn, our minds say to love our daughter regardless of her preferences. Our hearts tell us we don't want anything to do with her or this other girl, nor do we want our 17, 15, and 8 year old girls to see this immoral relationship, and worry they may view our meeting this girl as some kind of sick acceptance.
Any help out there as far as ideas go? We are very upset and confused!
She lives in London and we live in Wolverhampton. We were shocked and disgusted. She has dated men before and even came close to being engaged once. We told her we would always love her no matter what, but we could never accept her lifestyle.
Until now, when she comes home to visit, she has always come alone, and has only told one of her siblings about her lesbainism. Two days ago, she left a message saying she wanted to come to visit next week with her partner, and would stay in a hotel.
My husband and I are torn, our minds say to love our daughter regardless of her preferences. Our hearts tell us we don't want anything to do with her or this other girl, nor do we want our 17, 15, and 8 year old girls to see this immoral relationship, and worry they may view our meeting this girl as some kind of sick acceptance.
Any help out there as far as ideas go? We are very upset and confused!
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No...........if you say not...............but then you're the merry japester, aren't you ? You just pop in to drop in a contentious remark and then watch us all squabble and bite............'cos it's only a larf, innit ?
Apart from this was a sensible and important thread and you have ruined it. Philanthro will now ignore much of the end posts of this topic and that could potentially have been more important to her daughter than you have the wit to comprehend.
But it's only a larf............eh ?
Apart from this was a sensible and important thread and you have ruined it. Philanthro will now ignore much of the end posts of this topic and that could potentially have been more important to her daughter than you have the wit to comprehend.
But it's only a larf............eh ?
What I have been wondering is whether Philanthro was expecting to find support to justify her view and not get the almost unanimous view that her daughter has done nothing wrong and should be loved and supported.
It comes across to me that all we have had to say will probably fall on stoney ground. Philanthro is not just narrow-minded but appears to be seeing life through a straw. I can't see that such staunchly held beliefs will be changed by our opinions.
It comes across to me that all we have had to say will probably fall on stoney ground. Philanthro is not just narrow-minded but appears to be seeing life through a straw. I can't see that such staunchly held beliefs will be changed by our opinions.
You've virtually echoed what I've been saying Aprilis. It's a shame that there are still people around who think in this absurd way. I know several gay people - one works for me. I never give a momement's consideration as to what he gets up to "behind closed doors". It's not my business (although he openly talks about his boyfriend), but apart from his sexuality - he's just the same as everyone else. I can understand maybe a certain parental disappointment that they might never have grandchildren, but who's to say they'd get them anyway? A sensible parent'd keep their thoughts to themselves, and just continue to give love and support, no matter what.
This thread has been one of the pasionatly debated in the history of the AB - as I would know, being the 'elder statesman of the site'.
It demonstrates two important aspects of modern life - the second, and least importantr, is that some people enjoy inflicting their 'humour' into a debate, no matter how inappropriate and unamusing it may be. The need to pass the same sort of inflamatory remarks what ever the circumstances is the hallmark of a small-minded insecure individual, who feels they have to draw attention to themselves, no matter what the grown-ups are talking about. Being taught manners as a child usually curbs this unpleasant behaviour - but as an adult, simply ignoring this attitude is the only response we can use.
To the debate itself - i do feel some sympathy with Philanthro who is obviously of an age and upbringing where the concept of homosexuality was throught of as immoral and disgusting - even when applied to family members.
The distilled wisdom from the vast number of replies comes down to the fact Philanthro's daughter has been loving and sensitive enough to be honest with her parents, and they have reacted with fear, horror, and a misplaced sense of failure.
I would stress again to Philanthro, that the ultimate conclusion of this tragic situation is that your daughter will absent herself from your lives, which you may feel is better than accepting her lifestyle.
I would urge you to think very carefully - you are approaching a step forward fom which there can be no step back.
Consider life without your daughter - for this is what you approach - and whether it is worth sticking to your principles - however deply felt they are.
We raise our children to be honest, happy, successful, loving and loved. On that basis, you have succeeded in spades as parents. Why ruin all that hard work, love and devotion for this wonderful woman simply because
It demonstrates two important aspects of modern life - the second, and least importantr, is that some people enjoy inflicting their 'humour' into a debate, no matter how inappropriate and unamusing it may be. The need to pass the same sort of inflamatory remarks what ever the circumstances is the hallmark of a small-minded insecure individual, who feels they have to draw attention to themselves, no matter what the grown-ups are talking about. Being taught manners as a child usually curbs this unpleasant behaviour - but as an adult, simply ignoring this attitude is the only response we can use.
To the debate itself - i do feel some sympathy with Philanthro who is obviously of an age and upbringing where the concept of homosexuality was throught of as immoral and disgusting - even when applied to family members.
The distilled wisdom from the vast number of replies comes down to the fact Philanthro's daughter has been loving and sensitive enough to be honest with her parents, and they have reacted with fear, horror, and a misplaced sense of failure.
I would stress again to Philanthro, that the ultimate conclusion of this tragic situation is that your daughter will absent herself from your lives, which you may feel is better than accepting her lifestyle.
I would urge you to think very carefully - you are approaching a step forward fom which there can be no step back.
Consider life without your daughter - for this is what you approach - and whether it is worth sticking to your principles - however deply felt they are.
We raise our children to be honest, happy, successful, loving and loved. On that basis, you have succeeded in spades as parents. Why ruin all that hard work, love and devotion for this wonderful woman simply because
Quite frankly I am appalled.
What my adult children do in their private lives will be absolutely none of my business. Any partner they choose will be THEIR choice, and theirs alone. That is our job as parents...raise them and when the time comes you set them free to make their own decisions.
Gay or straight, whatever they do in the privacy of their homes will not ever enter my head. As far as I am concerned their sexuality has no bearing on our relationship at all.
As andy says, think very carefully. If you are prepared to lose your daughter then go right ahead and continue with your behaviour. I hope she can move on and live her life happily.
What my adult children do in their private lives will be absolutely none of my business. Any partner they choose will be THEIR choice, and theirs alone. That is our job as parents...raise them and when the time comes you set them free to make their own decisions.
Gay or straight, whatever they do in the privacy of their homes will not ever enter my head. As far as I am concerned their sexuality has no bearing on our relationship at all.
As andy says, think very carefully. If you are prepared to lose your daughter then go right ahead and continue with your behaviour. I hope she can move on and live her life happily.
Thank you, Andy, for your sensible and measured response. However, I don't believe that Philanthro will now read it or, indeed, passed the point where Doc popped up with his pointless comment; I think she will be (quite rightly) seriously offended by that.
I think that is a shame because you certainly managed to hit several nails on the head.
I think that is a shame because you certainly managed to hit several nails on the head.
Thank you for all of your answers and for your care, especially you Andy what you wrote was very sensible.
My husband and I will never be able to accept lesbianism as morally acceptable or normal in the way so many in society seem to today. We do love our daughter and will have to work our way through this the best we can.
Thnks for your answers.
My husband and I will never be able to accept lesbianism as morally acceptable or normal in the way so many in society seem to today. We do love our daughter and will have to work our way through this the best we can.
Thnks for your answers.
I am shocked that you would treat your daughter like this, if you love her as much as you say you do then you would accept anything that she does.
If you stop and think that this girl obviously makes your daughter happy then is that not enough for you?
It may be against all of your beliefs but I honestly think that you have not encountered this before therefore its as though you are scared of the unknown.
Just treat this other girl as someone your daughter cares for very much, it makes no difference if she is male or female.
I suggest you put any bad feelings aside as you may have to put up with this for a very long time so get used to it. The longer you harbour bad feelings the more you will push your daughter away.
And as for your other children, just becuase they see two girls together won't mean they will become gay. Trust me, they will see much worse things in life than two people who love each other , let them make their own decsions on this one.
If you stop and think that this girl obviously makes your daughter happy then is that not enough for you?
It may be against all of your beliefs but I honestly think that you have not encountered this before therefore its as though you are scared of the unknown.
Just treat this other girl as someone your daughter cares for very much, it makes no difference if she is male or female.
I suggest you put any bad feelings aside as you may have to put up with this for a very long time so get used to it. The longer you harbour bad feelings the more you will push your daughter away.
And as for your other children, just becuase they see two girls together won't mean they will become gay. Trust me, they will see much worse things in life than two people who love each other , let them make their own decsions on this one.
Thank you jack and Philantro for your kind words - even though I see that my answer was truncated by the system, even though my salient points were in place.
I do feel a great deal of sympathy for the dilema in which you and your husband find yourselves Philantro. i can only hope that you will see your daughter as a rounded human being, and that this aspect of her life is a very small part of what makes her the person you love so much.
I wish you well in finding a solution with which you can all live together as a family, and I am sure that love will win out - for everyone.
I do feel a great deal of sympathy for the dilema in which you and your husband find yourselves Philantro. i can only hope that you will see your daughter as a rounded human being, and that this aspect of her life is a very small part of what makes her the person you love so much.
I wish you well in finding a solution with which you can all live together as a family, and I am sure that love will win out - for everyone.
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