I need help!

[Rubyrose]

Seriously! I need help from someone who doesn't know me!
Just give me advice... and I will listen.. (I won't argue).. But give the advice politely at least... :o)

I fancy a guy who is married as you know. I have liked him for a year and nothing has ever come of it. A year ago he was just a guy I worked with, who I thought was nice but really knew nothing about. 6 months ago he was a guy I worked with, spoke to a fair bit but other than interaction at work, nothing else was going on. Maybe some light flirting and we'd buy eachother sweets and stuff now and then.
Now.... he is someone I work with, but spend most of my working time with as we are now working on some projects together. We go on lunch together at least once a week. He will stand at my desk for ages and ages chatting away to me. He prepares me little lunches sometimes, I do the same. We buy eachother things when we go on lunch.. but nothing has happened.

Last week I had invited a few people from work, out to celebrate my birthday.. (we celebrated it last Saturday night). I never invited him because he lives about an hour drive away so I knew there would be no point. Then at the last minute on the Friday I emailed him and invited him. He said he was already out in the town I was going to and I should give him my number and we can meet up.

So Saturday came and I was out with the girls. I got a text from a girl from who used to work with us, telling me which pub she was in with her friends so we finished our drinks and went and met her. When we got there, he was there too... on the next table with his mates. He called me over and we all got chatting and me and my mates, ended up spending the whole night with him and his mates.. well from about 10pm - 2am. His mates came to the same club we were going to and he was very flirty and pervy with me and my mates.. not the same guy I know at work but it didn't stop me liking him.

[Rubyrose]

Theonlyone - That is easier said than done hun. And it's not as if I don't go out... I am out every night of the week and out getting drunk on Friday and Saturday nights.. I get asked out on dates all the time.. meet guys.. hand out my number.. get called, get texts and I just lose interest! I need new focus! I have been out on dates too and I just don't seem to fancy them. I am still mates with them and we text and have a laugh but I just can't seem to move past this!

[beryllium]

I stand by my sentence. Go and get laid. Offers yes. The real thing? no.

Not exited about his child being born?

I hope she finds out about him and takes him to the cleaners.

He's a pig and I hope his d1ck drops off.

[Rubyrose]

Bery - He is a nice guy... otherwise I wouldn't like him! We get on well, have a laugh. He is a decent guy and it's only in the last few weeks that it's gotten bad with the flirting... But he hasn't done anything wrong. He isn't an @rsehole... not yet anyway! But he has known for about a year that I like him! The guys in the office couldn't keep their mouths shut!

[beryllium]

ok Rubes.

Here's another scenario.

You have made love with the man you married. You made a baby. You go through lots of hormonal changes. Your husband doesn't understand, so he goes off to find a company bike (that isn't you now is it?) that has been preying ( Harmful flirting ) on your husband for a year. He's such a poor little chap. No one understands him :( Poor Poor Guy. His wife forcing him to make her pregnant. He was literally raped was he? to make that baby?

How do you think you would feel? Ruby.

Although granted. You will give entertainment to those at work :)

[Robinia]

lol @ beryllium...

Ruby they usually are 'nice' guys...(so was my ex...he still is & we are good friends) but the irresponsible things they do aren't nice.

I wish I'd had the internet when I kept fighting to keep my marriage together.
Not sure I'd be so dignified now as an older woman scorned... lol...I obviously had more sense when I was younger. Now I'd probably just chop his b^lls off & be done with it....he's old enough to not miss 'em so much!

[Robinia]

oops I was lol - ing at the d1ck comment beryllium!

[Rubyrose]

Awww I know! I think my head is about to explode!
I need a break from my own life! Lol.. how does one do that? Well tonight I am at a house warming/engagment party in Uxbridge.. just me and my mate so I won't know anyone there so hopefully I will have fun and take my mind off things. Then I can go into work on Monday knowing that I didn't spend my whole weekend worrying over him... doubt he thought of me much either if I am being realistic but I'd like to think I crossed his mind!

[bobtheturkey]

buy a carrot from tescos and move on

[Rubyrose]

Brilliant. Thanks Bob. If only I'd have thought of that a year ago!

[cruella]

Hi Rubyrose.
Think as far as this guy is concerned, all he is to you is a challenge. You probably know deep down that you cannot have him, or at least it is taking a bit of effort to get his attentions.
If he were to leave his Wife tomorrow, I think you would run a mile. If he handed himself to you on a plate then I think you would go right off him.
Have a great time tonight.

[Rubyrose]

Cruella - Part of that is in the back of my mind, questioning whether I do infact want him or it's the challenge but I liked him for months before I knew he was actually married!

[society]

Well Rubes suppose you were the wife and the wife were you, how would you feel then? What advise would you give 'the wife'? Suppose some woman did this to your dad, how would you feel about her? Everyone on here give you great advice. They all cannot be wrong.

The reason you asked this question is because you know you are doing something wrong. I wouldn't tell you what to do because you already know. Take care! xx

[cruella]

HI again Rubyrose.
Could it also be that he is that bit older than you that attracted you to him in the first place. He obviously knows how to get your attention and not a young lad, so to speak.
Also the fact that you have this secret in the office can add to the excitement.
Go have a nice time tonight with your pals.

[Rubyrose]

Well Society... I did have it happen to me! Me and my ex were together 5yrs and they he left me for a girl he had met at his work. I don't know to what extent he cheated... I know there were texting and met up a few times but other than that I don't know. Ask him though... he is probably floating about this site somewhere... but when it happened I hated her... blamed it all on her for taking him..but then after a while I realised she was just a girl who met a guy... he was the one with commitments! I don't really blame her at all.. I don't blame him anymore coz our relationship wasn't was it once was and I am far better off without him but out of the two of them...he was more in the wrong.. although she had a boyfriend at the time too! Hmm.. ok they were both wrong but from my side I blame him more!

I don't know if him being older has much to do with it? I never thought about it like that! I have always liked older guys.. not really attracted to guys my age as they tend to be too immature. Hmm.. don't know if thats a factor in it!

I need to get ready.. I am getting picked up at 6 and I haven't even chose an outfit... Ok, I have because it's the same one that's been in my head all day but I haven't ironed it!

[fiest82]

A couple of Q's to help you decide:

1. Was he honest about his marriage from the start? If not, why not? How much do you really know about him?

2.If he's so bored of his wife, why hasn't he left her already? If he was taking you seriously, he would have taken steps towards it by now (its been a year and all)...

3. His wife being pregnant makes it a Lot more complicated now, cos if it was just his wife it would be easier for him to leave and that would be the end of it...Do you think he'll leave her now that he has a child aswell?

[Rubyrose]

He was honest about his marriage but he was new to the company and so was I so he barely spoke to anyone as he is shy and a private guy but once you got chatting to him he'd mention 'my wife' now and then.
I know him quite well.. Me and him chat A LOT.. we email during the day, go on lunch together and he will always come to my desk for a chat.

For him, I probably am just a young girl who flirts with him, who he wouldn't mind a bit of! Nothing to ever leave a marriage for. But men are different... no man has ever walked away from a marriage because 'he was bored'. Men don't leave unless they have someone to leave for. If a man is getting sex, food and sleep without being nagged 24/7 then even if he is bored of the relationship, he will stay. Men don't need the emotional stimulation like women do. That's why they don't leave until they have met someone else. They don't realise they are unhappy.

I don't think he'd leave her anyway.. child or no child! He is with her through habit if nothing else and that's the hardest thing to break... especially when she probably thinks they are blissfully happy so she will never end things. He will spend the rest of his life being with her, wondering what life would have been like if he'd had the guts to leave, but never really doing it because he is scared of what he would be giving up!

[fiest82]

I suppose if he has really fallen for you, then it changes things a litle especially if he was very unhappy in his marriage and for a good while too. But if he's only become moody for the last few months, it may pass and he will return to his wife once they get over the rough patch...

However, the decision to leave his marriage would still be his in the end, there's nothing you can do to help him make up his mind. If he is sure about what he wants, he'll decide soon enough.

[Rubyrose]

Thanks Fiest. Nothing I can do in the end. Just try and be happy with being his mate I guess. Right.. I am going to get ready in a bit, get picked up and go and get drunk!

[Le Chat]

Rubyrose. You are asking the question and you have been given some fabulous advice and spot-on comments....but I think you are just going through the motions. I think you know what you are going to do and it excites the hell out of you. You look forward to going to work and Monday mornings are positively wonderful. This guy has you all fluttery in your stomach and you can feel the sensations between you when you are close.
The minute you sleep with him, you are opening a huge can of pain. The pain you suffer will be immense. You will desire only him and you will begin to hate the weekend. You will imagine him and his wife going out for meals, walking in the park with the baby and going on holiday together. He will tell you that they no longer sleep together and you will chose to believe it - but inside you will know that they do. You will hate the christmas holiday when you can't see him and you will phone his home only to slam it down when she asnswers. He will tell you that he is going to leave her but the baby is too young...then years later it will be because his wife 'isn't right in the head' and will kill herself if he goes.
I could go on and on but you know the story as it has been told so many times.....
You need to get a grip of your feelings and don't impose this on yourself. If he is unhappy with his wife, then why did they decide to have a baby together? He's spinning a line Ruby and you need to walk away before you run your life off into the ditch!

[cazzz1975]

I think ruby, that maybe you need to get your fingers burnt in order to move on, despite all the good advice you refuse to give up this guy. Okay then dont give him up. but please bear in mind

1) Once you start seeing each other it WILL get around the office
2) You will come up against some people there who will call you a homewrecker.
3) You may be blanked by work collegue's
4) You will gain a reputation
5) You will ruin this guys marriage, regardless of how crappy he might make it out to be
6) You have a crush on someone who is devious and will ultimately do it to you.
7) He may only enjoy the chase and the excitement .once he is your boyfriend he will find another "distraction" as real life can be a little more dull.

I dont want to ruin your fun, but often these things never work out, however if he wants to be with you then if he is any kind of man he will end his relationship BEFORE he gets involved.
If he refuses to or drags it on then you know he wants a dirty little affair behind his wifes back.