Unhappy 18 year old

[Bowieblue]

I am a single parent with an 18 year old daughter. She is quite emotionally young for her age and has two close friends but not a big social scene. I have met a wonderful man and have been seeing him for 7 months. She has no problem with him but says I am leaving her on her own too much. I am between feeling very guilty and wanting her to 'spread her wings' a bit but not push her too far. All 18 year olds are different and we have asked her to come to the cinema with us etc. Has anyone had any similar experiences or can give any advise. Thank you.

[HJT40]

Hi, I feel for you. I am the single parent of a 12 year old, who doesn't like it if I have dates or even male friends to the house. So there is no way I am an epxert! I wonder though, because she is that much older if you could take her somewhere where she is likely to meet people of her own age? Quiz night at a pub, if her friends are old enough, with their parents permission, they could go with you too? They can chat and so can you. There is always bowling too, or ice skating? Lets face it there is no ice breaker like our daughters having a laugh at our expense! Could her friends come and stay while you go out? I will probably asking for the same advice in a few years!.....

[StudentGal]

HJT40, the pub quiz idea thing is a fantastic idea. My Father remarried when I was 17 so I can sort of give you a view on how I found it personally. It was not something I was pleased about mainly because I felt they had never really made the effort to get to know me. My step-Mother has never had childern of her own so she found talking to me not only difficult because of being the second wife but also just simply because she'd never coped with a teenager before. I found this a big problem as I was put off going out with them because she spoke to me like I was a 10 year old but not on purpose, just because she couldn't get it into her head that i was actually almost an adult and didn't need mollycoddling. Don't get me wrong, his new wife is nice and she's never done anything wrong by me but I personally think the transition for me would have been easier if they had done adult things with me and treated me like a person rather than the daughter all the time. I think taking her to a pub for a meal before hand and then staying for the quiz or going to see a band she likes all together or something would be good. Also, maybe drag your man along for a shopping trip and pack him off to a tool shop while you and her do some clothes and make up shopping together so that she can see yes you are with him but she's still the most important thing in your life.

I hope it sort of helps hearing it from a different perspective :)

[Bowieblue]

Thank you both so much. It hurts to see her unhappy and I want so much to put it right.

[StudentGal]

Well that's the good thing then Bowieblue. Good luck :)

[suzi-q]

Its very hard for teenagers to accept their parents have needs and wants of their own. Even if they are well adjusted and seem to accept it I still think they feel insecure because you are loving someone new and not just them .

Particularly as you and your daughter have been on your own for a while. My teenage son's have struggled to come to terms with my relationship with my new partner who is now my husband. Its been very hard and we have had many painful ups and downs.

I would advise you to take things reasonably slowly at least in her eyes. Bring her into the equasion and let her be involved. I think the mistake I made was being so starry eyed my boys felt left out.

However, try not to let her rule your life. You have dedicated 18 yrs to her and you are very much entitled to your own happiness. And you dont have to choose. You can have a loving relationship with both your daughter and your partner. Its a bit of a juggling act.

Keep time for you and her to do girly things if thats what she enjoys and keep some of your routines for the two of you but remember it wont be long before she will be flying the nest and making a social life of her own, maybe meeting boyfriends of her own. Then will she listen to you if you complain she is leaving you on your own too much?

Also make sure your man understands and also feels secure in that you are doing all you can to lay firm foundations for your future relationships with him and your daughter.

Hope that all makes sense!!!

[Bowieblue]

Thank you for your reply. Sometimes it feels like we are the only people with this problem so it is really helpful to know how other people cope!

I admit to being so starry eyed I am inclined to forget my daughter's needs a little bit. Then the guilt flies back in and I have to adjust again. It is a balancing act and hopefully taking it slowly will be the best way to deal with these tricky times.