Need advice!

[monkeycheeky]

O.K. Not done this before but really need opinions, even if they're harsh on me. Long story short: been with bf 4 years, all is well and I love him. Was ill the other year, had op and am left with horrible looking scar on belly. Doesn't bother me or him. May or may not be a link, but I hate any physical contact whatsoever now, and have for over a year . I am getting cross with bf for not understanding and making me cry any time he ever comes near me. Have been proactive and am trying to get help from docs etc but feel as if he's being impatient even when in theory I should be flattered he hasn't left me by now. Am I being as selfish as I feel?! Should we have a break? Don't know what to do! Please be honest.

[FlowerPetal]

Monkey, go easy on yourself!
My friend had a similar problem and it drove her mad, but all it takes is time and talking!
EXPLAIN to your B/F about how you feel, LISTEN to what he has to say. BOTH of you should go to your GP and discuss your problem. Are you on any medication still? because some meds have that affect on you.
It is hard and confusing because 1 min you want affection and the next min you cant bear the thought.
Please be gentle with yourself and your B/F - he truely sounds like he loves you to pieces. Good Luck xx

[raysparx1]

Hello cheeky,

Your confidence sounds to have been hit. are you sure it isn't the scar that is playing on your mind ? your boyfriend obviously loves you as you are, you say the scar doesn't bother you, are you sure it doesn't ? my wife had to have a breast removed when she had cancer,she had reconstuctive surgey,but obviously still has a scar, but I look upon it as one of lifes battle scars,these things happen and they all make us what we are. I think it is the fear of him suddenly finding you unattractive that is playing on your mind, you need to talk to somebody, Ray xx

[monkeycheeky]

Thanks flower - that's really sweet. Not on med. any more but seen doc. He doesn't think it's his problem which I agree really. Due to see a counsellor (on own) but a bit nervous about it. Still, if I've managed to type the prob on the internet, a 1to1 situation can't be that bad can it?! Have talked to him about it and he's so understanding, but then seems to forget within hours. This has happened so many times, and this is why I wonder whether we'll be best off without each other - we love each other but are also making each other miserable. Ahhhhh!

[Eve]

Why not try some positive visualisation?

Sit quietly on your own with some of your favourite music on which will make you feel comfortable and at ease, maybe a bit romantic.

Just sit and relax for a while til you're warm and comfortable.

Then slowly imagine someone (whoever you want, even an angel) touching you on the shoulder. Stick with it a while, realise it's not a threat to you and try to think how it is actually quite nice and comforting.

Do this gradually in stages in your own time, going to whatever level you feel comfortable with eg holding your hand, sitting right next to you touching, then hugging to various degrees and as far on as you wish.

Then maybe start trying it with your boyfriend, either sit with him and just do it in stages eg sit and hold hands and talk, tell each other how you feel about each other - only nice things - to encourage you to associate physical contact in a positive way.

Maybe have stages where you say go out for a nice walk and spend some quality time together, say hold hands, then link arms, his arm round you, sit and cuddle up to each other.

Explain to him so he doesn't get the wrong idea and take things to far too fast and make it a positive thing. Getting out and about will help this rather than in a home setting.

You can get to this later, hold hands on the sofa, lie with your head on his lap while he strokes your hair, cuddle up together, just sit there and kiss, massage each other and then let it go wherever it does. Make it loving and intimate.

Tell him what you like and want and what you'd like to do to him eg run your fingers through his hair or hold his hand or cuddle and tell him how good things feel. or tell him what's not good and try to suggest something that is so you don't just back away from each other.

Do it in your own time, as slowly or quickly as you feel

[monkeycheeky]

Thanks guys. I think you're right. I've got to the stage where I don't want any contact because it inevitably leads to more intimacy and I can't stand it at the moment. I feel if I give an inch, he takes a mile. The hard thing is, I can't understand why I don't want the mile so to speak! Maybe I am more bothered about the scar than I realised. I didn't think I was - like you said, I took it as one of those things that happen in life. I know he doesn't think less of me for it, so I should be feeling lucky and grateful. Just don't know why I'm feeling like I do and that in itself is really hard to deal with. I don't want to upset my partner any more though. He even asked me at one point whether I've gone off him and that just made me feel even worse. I'm making him miserable. I've even thought about telling him to sleep with someone else but that's stupid isn't it?! So confused.

[Eve]

It can be horribly hard honey I know. I was raped amongst other things and found it horribly hard to be intimate with a guy for a long long time and am still not all the way there yet. Psychological scars run deep.

Just make sure you vocalise how you feel about him so that he knows how you feel and let him see you making a positive effort to get better.

Why not suggest couples counselling with a specialist sex or similar therapist so you can talk openly without it being raised in other circumtances and him feeling rejected.

Try here for therapists...http://www.relate.org.uk/sexproblems/sextherap y/

I know they're called sex therapists but they deal with intimacy issues as well. There's a new programme on tonight about one with Suranne Jones on ITV at 9am.

[monkeycheeky]

Thanks everyone. I honestly felt I was being a selfish cow and wasn't expecting or fishing for the support you've given. Still very confused about things and was hard actually writing it all down but feeling slightly more positive now. I'll watch that prog. tonight too! Would just feel so guilty if this problem ends up splitting us up. Just don't know how I can change how I feel. Or how long to expect it to last?! Or where it's come from?! I feel like a proper freak at the moment. : -( Anyway, things could be worse. I'm not as ill any more! :-)

[Eve]

You're certainly not alone and absolutely not a freak.

It will get better hon if you put the effort in, my boyfriends at the time were incredibly patient with me, if anything if was me ending things as I couldn't cope with the intimacy.

I have missed out on some wonderful wonderful men through this and if I could turn back time :)

There are some great self help books out there for body image, WH Smiths (http://www.whsmith.co.uk/whs/Go.asp) has a good section.

I've got a good one by Linda Papadopoulos who is on TV a lot.

I'm sure Waterstones (http://www.waterstones.com/waterstonesweb/home.do) and Amazon (http://www.amazon.co.uk/) are the same.

Some ideas here...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Emotional-Unavailabili ty-Recognizing-Understanding-Avoiding/dp/08092 29145/ref=pd_sbs_b_2/202-6912263-4600604

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Body-Image-Workbook-Pr ogram-Learning/dp/1572240628/sr=1-3/qid=116370 9751/ref=sr_1_3/202-6912263-4600604?ie=UTF8&s= books

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Intimacy-Factor-Overco ming-Obstacles-Respect/dp/0060095806/sr=1-12/q id=1163710033/ref=sr_1_12/202-6912263-4600604? ie=UTF8&s=books

xxx

[raysparx1]

Hi cheeky,

You sound a lovely lady, it is a battle scar, you have come through it,you are still together with your boyfriend, you are still the same person, and he loves you as you are,i am sure you will come through this together, and I wish you good luck, Ray xx

[PinkFizz]

Jenna - your replies brought a little tear to my eye.x

Monkeycheeky - you have had excellent advice here as usual.Nothing extra I can add really - just hold onto that guy - he sounds well worth keeping.xx

[Carakeel]

Well done Jenna, as usual. XXX You have given monkey such good advice.

Just wanted to add this monkey. I have a very large scar running from one hip bone around the front to the other and I have always seen it as a huge ugly disfigurement. When I first met my partner I had by my own choice been on my own for 20 years and was not looking for someone to enter my life. Then this wonderful man found me and with great patience he gradually gave me back my confidence and showed me that it was alright for me to love again. I was so worried about him seeing my scar though, so afraid it would disgust him. The first night we slept together I was all tensed up and terrified of him touching me, but he did so ever so gently and, after hiding under the blankets for ages, I finally showed him my dreaded scar. He was so surprised as in his eyes it was just a long pale thin line and not the huge disfigurement I saw. So, you see we sometimes do not see our own bodies as others do, especially as those who love us do. Your boyfriend obviously loves you and sees your scar as far less significant than you do.. So take heart and don't be so hard on yourself. I have learned though my loving partner no to be so self-conscious about my battle scars, as ray so rightly called them. Without my scar I wouldn't be alive today and I have come to see it just as my love does, just as a long thin pale line, proof that I have been though a war and WON!!! When you look at your scar, try to see it as a reminder of how brave and strong you were to get through that time in your life. You too probably wouldn't be here or wouldn't be in such good health if it were not for your scar, so let it be your medal of honour for a battle well fought! None of us are perfect, we all carry our scars, physical and mental ones. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to think your scar is so terrible so try to see it through his eyes and maybe his touching you will be a bit easier for you. Big hug! :o)