Advise on relationship

[Motoxchick25]

Hi I need some advise! I am stuck in a very volitle relationship. My current boyfriend is very controlling and aggressive and doesn't mind making a show of me in front of my friends and family. It is really getting me down. I have threatened to leave on numberous occassions but he keeps throwing threats (which I really think he could go through with) back at me, making me even more scared to leave. In addition to this I reluctantly signed a 12 month joint tenancy with him which doesn't expire until Feb 09 therefore am liable for half of the remaining months rent! also I have no contact with the landlord as he has had sole communitcation with them I am too scared to speak to my family about it who else can you reccommend to give me some advise on how to get out with my possessions! thanks xx

[sara3]

I'm sure a women's charity would advise, or maybe even assist. CAB should have some contact numbers..

[y-cymro]

Go to the Citizens Advice Bureau - they will give you all the help you need, all the agencies who can help you and what's the best course of action to take.

At the end of the day, family should be best - they will hopefully be there for you.

Also, look in your local phone book for free ehlplines where you can talk to someone anonymously and who may help point you in the right direction.

[terambulan]

Y not hire a 'man with a van' for protection during ur removal.

U can be sure your bf will back off when there's another bloke about.

Better still, find a new bloke and move him into ur home......ur bloke will soon run off

[stonekicker]

wait until you know he will be out for a few hours, organise some friends with cars and get your stuff out (if there are a few, he will be less likely to throw a hissy fit), call the police if you need to and don't worry about the landlord - if you've had no contact with him, then i doubt he'll chase you for the money anyway. you need to leave asap - the longer you stay, the more likely you are to become a better 'victim' for your boyfriend, if that means talking to family and friends for help, then so be it - swallow your pride and get help wherever you can. at tha end of the day, you can replace things, but not a broken spirit, finger, arm etc. i left a relationship once with just a rucksack and the clothes i was standing in - best thing i ever did...

[oldmegan]

Just get the hell out of there. You know yourself that it will never change. The rent problem is not as important as your personal health and safety. Let him take you to court for the rent payments. It will not look very good for him if you tell them why you left. Good luck!

[lil123]

Go to women's aid they are brilliant. I wouldn't be where I am today without their help and support. I lived in one of their refuges for 10mths and now my life is a thousand times better than it ever was.
Life is way too short to live like that x

[sara3]

wow Lil, you're a star! good for you :o)

[24fan]

Hi Motoxchick.

it brakes my heart to think of what you are going through. Trust me i understand how hard it can be to walk away from a relationship that the partner can be controling, put you don't in front of people etc.

You need to speak to someone you trust your mum, dad a close friend. tell them everything that's been happening. like you've been told already the rent should be the last thing on your mind.

He doessn't own you and should not be treated in this manor. be brave get a bag together and start fresh. you deserve more then to bulled, controlled and made to feel you can't talk to anyone.

Please get out before he really hurts you. Good luck and take care of yourself.

[NiceCupOfTea]

http://www.worstkeptsecret.co.uk/

[kassiopeia]

This post is the first step. You obviously are ready to leave. Sometimes the people who you thought would be there for you just aren't so be prepared for that.

Refuge are a good organisation so I'm told. I never involved any agencies but wish I had as it would have made it a lot easier. There are people out there to help but you have to be brave and ask for it.

Yes it is being brave asking for help!!

I just left with my children and no support which is so much harder. He obviously wants to bring your self esteem down to nothing which is how these bullies work so put a spanner in his works and enlist some help from the many agencies out there. You will soon find he is not as clever as he thinks!!

Good luck xx

[CAJ1]

Motoxchick25 I was in the same position as you and i don't think anyone knows how scary it is until your in that position. I was threatened with a knife when I tried to leave him. I got out though and now nearly 2years on I am so happy - you can be too. Every police station has a domestic violence officer, contact them and ask them to arrange the police to go with you to pack your things up. Go to a friends or close family to stay (if you can't do this, there are refuges) DO NOT let him know where you are, do not answer his calls or texts. If he pesters you go to a solicitors and tell them you need an emergency non-molestation order (which will mean he is not allowed near you). I agree with Lil123 I had Womens Aid helping me, they came to court with me, they helped house me when I was homeless and they gave me counselling and advice.

Having been in this situation myself I wish I could save every person from having to go through this. Be strong enough to leave him and every day after that will be a step towards your new life of freedom. Just look at how well Lil123 and me are doing now - it is possible to do. Let us know what happens and if you need someone to talk to let me know, me and Lil123 have each others email addresses for support and to talk through things x

[Tups]

When my daughter was 19, she was in such a relationship. He threatened her with all sorts of stuff, which was psychologically very damaging - she's still trying to get over it, 4 years later. She never believed he would actually hit her but he did. That's when I first knew about it. I insisted she went to the police and they were fantastically supportive. He eventually went to prison for it! We were scared he would come after her when he came out but he didn't. These bully boys don't like being taken on, especially by, in their minds, weak girls. Before my daughter finally went to the police, she read this book:
BREAKING FREE FROM PARTNER ABUSE by Mary Maracek. ISBN 1-885356-53-6. Don't wait before moving out. Do it now! Go to your mum. Seek help from one of the agencies mentioned by the others and read the book. Better the devil you don't know than the one you do! Money can be sorted; broken bones, black eyes and broken spirits take longer. I'll keep watching this post to see how you are doing. Take care of yourself. You're worth it!