Falling in love with an alcoholic
Has anyone out there ever found themselves falling in love with someone who drinks heavily ( and I mean, HEAVILY), and decided against pursuing a relationship with that person because of the drinking - if that makes any sense?
I have met and can feel myself falling in love with a woman who drinks like a fish. My family and friends have warned me to tread carefully, as 'a drinker's first love will always be the bottle'. Aside from the drinking, she is everything I have ever wanted in a partner.
I am torn between wanting to pursue a relationship with this woman and thinking I should 'not go there'. I feel gutless about it for some reason, though.
The girl in question has been to AA and had endless counselling, but still puts away a lot of acohol every night of the week.
I have known her as a friend for 2 years.
I am teetotal.
We are both 40.
Any advice./help would be most appreciated, please. I feel desperate about this.
New Seeker Thurs 03/07/08 04:13
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It would be difficult for me to give an even-handed answere as I lived with a violent alcoholic for some time and i would say don't go there! As you say their first love is usually drink. It may be that this person is different and that you can help her but too often the partner or friends of an alcoholic think they are helping by being there and doing things to help when what they are doing is picking up the pieces so enabling the person to carry on drinking. It has to be your decision but please think very long and hard before becoming too emotionally involved.
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Bensmum is right, as are your friends and family, if she is an alcoholic her first love and priorty will be the bottle. She will not change because you offer her love and security, that will only make life easier for her to continue as she is.
The only person who can change her life is her and this is a decision she must arrive at alone.
Certainly, offer her any support you can with out becoming emotionally involved but if that is not possible then I suggest you remain her friend but on the periphary of her life.
Alcoholics are selfish, only thinking of their next drink and you will always be second to that.
I do not say this to upset you, I say this because up until two years ago I was just like your friend. No amount of love or support changed me, I abused the help I was given for my own ends, hurt my family and friends, got into difficulties both financially and emotionally, basically my life was a mess (as was I).
I made the decision to stop drinking and life could not be better but until then I had nothing to offer anyone. What does your friend have to offer you at this point? No doubt she is a fine person with great qualities but she also will have all the associated problems that go with alcoholism.
Think carefully, and I wish you and your friend luck.
warpig
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How much is she drinking?
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That's not alcoholism, nono.
New Seeker, her first love really will be the bottle. My Aunt is an alcoholic and it has utterly destroyed her family, for as long as I can remember, she has put the bottle before her own husband and children.
She refuses help and there's nothing they can do about it. They hide the drink, they pur out the drink, they do whatever they can but she will always manage to get it from somewhere.
Please save yourself the heartache.
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Everyone is giving good advice here NS - even the deeply unpleasant post by mamjet is actually the best route for you. If and when the lady dries out, she may be good for you, but to go into this while she is drinking will lead to your being badly hurt. They become different people and they are often much drunker than you realise, having been sticking it away quietly since waking up. If you have knwon her a long time then you can carry on being in her circle, therefre being near her, but until she dries out avoid getting in deep.
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I fell in love with a women who drunk all the time she was so very beautiful in all ways but she needed to drink in a month i took 37empty bottles of wine to the bottle bank i know that sounded bad of me for counting but i wanted to show her what she was doing to herself.Her reasons being hrer kids were so very bad and her ex is a big drinker.
I ended the relationship i was sad but got over it.
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Question Author
Thank you all very much for your help. Will give the situation further, careful thought.
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As was asked above, how much does she drink? I think that really matters. What may be considered heavy drinking to a teetotal might not really be that much. I drink between 2 and 5 beers a night. This might seem like a lot to some people, but the fact is is it hasn't really affected my relationships or job. Some people might consider me an alcoholic, and maybe I am to a degree, but I am presently in a good relationship and I have a really good job. If she drinks a few glasses of wine in the evenings, I would encourage you to pursue a relationship. However, if she starts drinking whiskey early in the morning and continues all day every day, I would think twice!
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What you may find New Seek that in a relationship, where you live together and get to know each other, warts 'n' all, she may well be a different character from the one you know now.
My ex husband was a heavy drinker, not alcoholic but drank a bottle of wine a night and a couple of beers. He was (and still is) fabulously sociable, a night owl, knows loads of people and all the places to go. As a boyfriend and fiance he was terrific. After we married and as time went on, he used to kick in doors and smash household items. He also started 'going on the turn' when we went out sometimes. This didn't happen until I got to know him really, really, well, when his true personality came out and when he no longer felt he needed to impress me.
It may be as well to check out a few of her ex's and get their perspective before you dive in.
Good for you for being cautious beforehand.
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My mum was an alcoholic and it caused such a huge amount of grief for the entire family. I knew she once loved me but, in the end, she loved the gin more. I could do nothing to help because she didn't want to stop drinking. In the end I had to stop caring about it all and just look after my children and husband. Even my friends tried to help my mum but it was all to no avail. Unless alcoholics themselves want to stop drinking and ask for help nothing you can do will stop them. Leave while you can and trust that you will find someone who deserves the love you have to give.
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I lived with a binge alcoholic for 5 years. After the honeymoon period I too had to put up with him being absent for hours, returning drunk and abusive. Money started to go missing from my bank account. Just because it's a woman, don't think she can't get violent. When I woke up with black eyes one day I knew I'd had enough and threw him out. I didn't know he'd had a key cut. To repay me for chucking him, he stole thousands of £'s worth of stuff from my house including a telescope I'd had since I was 7. It was heartbreaking. Think long and hard B4 starting a relationship with an alcoholic. It's a disease and it's very sad, but if AA doesn't work, does she really want the help? Alcoholics are very devious and will get it any way they can.
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Question Author
Thanks for all the extremely helpful and kind post/advice.
In answer to the question, 'how much does she drink':
3 full bottles of white wine a day and about four pints.
I also paid for her to do a Psychology night class year-long course last year as I thought it would be a 'night out' with some meaning, if that makes any sense. She stuck it for five weeks but admitted to me that she was drinking small bottles of wine in the Ladies loos before the class and during the break - eating mints to disuise the smell. The reason I include this information here is that, based upon this behavour, it is not possible for me to say exactly how much she is drinking overall - this was the reason why I did not respond to your earlier question/posts McNoodle and Newtron - sorry.
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I was in a relationship for 7 years with an alcoholic, sometimes he was dry for months on end, but always ended up back on the booze, I knew he had problems before I commited to a relationship, it's a gamble you have to take if you truley love someone.... however at the end of the day it's down to the alcoholic, it's their problem, and their liver, if you love her for who she is then good for you, go for it! but you cannot force her to give up the booze, it's her choice and no one elses.... unfortunatly for me and my daughter he loved booze more than he loved us and I had to end the violent relationship it sadly turned out to be towards the end .... good luck
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Question Author
Thanks, ermintrude35. The truth is that I do genuinely love her for who she is.
I really appreciate you sharing your experience of this horrific and destructive illness with me.
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If this lady accepts that she has a problem, and loves you back, then she'll try to prove it by seeking profesional help. Out of all the terrible stories about living with an alcoholic, I also know two who've managed to turn their lives around, so it CAN be done, but only if the person concerned really wants to. I wish you all the best.
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..if you really love her then you must , if you abstain from the relationship because of her drinking then you will ALWAYS be thinking " what if" for the rest of your life, nothing ventured nothing gained and all that...
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Question Author
Thanks so much.
God, so much to think about...
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If you really love this woman enough to persue a relationship then be prepared for lots of stress and heartache as you will have to live with plenty of both...without any shadow of a doubt.
I speak as someone who lost a close family member to alcoholism at the age of just 42 and also as someone who's brother is in The Priory as we speak.
There is NO stability in a relationship with an alcoholic and you'll find any trust in your relationship will be tested to the limit until, ultimately, it disappears altogether. Lies and drama go with the territory I'm afraid. I'm sorry to sound so very negative but I've seen how alcoholics operate and nothing would convince me to enter a relationship with someone if I knew they were alcoholic.
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Only you can decide what do want to do - but please, don't blame yourself when it all goes pearshaped. Until alcoholics decide themselves that they have to turn their lives around nothing you will ever do, or say, will make any difference. Maybe you could say that you will be 'there' when they decide to give up the booze. But that you won't if they don't. Good Luck to you - I wish you well. Please keep us all posted as to how it all works out.
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No, I would run a mile. Having grown up with an alcoholic father and knowing the misery it caused, I have always steered clear of heavy drinkers. I think it's best to nip it in the bud, before it goes too far and you are drawn into a life of torment.
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