A Funeral Question

[Vagus]

A service is held in a church. Then there is a cremation at a crematorium ten miles away from the church. Followed by a get together at a place near the church.

Does everyone who goes to the church service then go to the crematorium too? Is it acceptable to just go to the crematorium, or just the church service? What's the etiquette?

[Ken4155]

There is no set etiquette as far as i know. I've been to quite a few funerals but only entered the church for very close relatives. And it all depends on what frame of mind i am in as to whether or not i join the other attendees after the funeral.

[jno]

you can go to all or none; the organiser sets up the possibilities (which will usually be all three unless they particularly want one of them to be private), but as with any invitation, the invitee chooses what to do.

[barry1010]

If it hasn't been indicated in the family, usually by funeral notice, I would ask the funeral director.  Unless expressly told that the cremation service is to be private it is fine just to attend the crem.

[naomi24]

If it's not a burial which takes place in the grounds of the church, this happens quite often in my village.  Usually after the church service  just a couple of family members accompany the deceased to the crematorium - the rest of the congregation go to wherever the tea is being served - generally the village hall.  

[davebro3]

Most folks aren't church-goers these days, so a simple service or non-religious address at the crem with anyone free to attend is more the norm I woulda thought. And it can be live-streamed over the internet for anyone who wants to watch but is unable to go. 

[Blubster]

Anyone can attend a funeral - you don't need to be a relative or friend. You may just be going to show your respects.

 

Around two years ago, I attended a cremation of a friend, and I didn't know anyone there. I'd gone to the wrong cremation and was a week early at said event. 😐

The point is that nobody challenged me on who I was, or how well I knew the deceased. About a quarter way through the service, I realised my mistake and sneaked out quietly. 😆

[Vagus]

Thank you for your answers, makes it a bit clearer.

[Vagus]

The family have decided what they want, it's not up to me, I just want to make sure I do the right thing as I've only ever been to a funeral service at a crematorium.

[naomi24]

Usually when this happens there isn't a lengthy service at the crematorium - just blessing/prayer for the deceased from the priest.  The hymns, readings and tributes take place during the full funeral service at the church.  From what you're saying, vagus, I would imagine you'll be expected at the church only - along with all the other mourners.

[Vagus]

That's what we've decided to do Naomi.

[Moorea7]

I would think just go to the church service  ...  and as Naomi states.

[Peter Pedant]

You go to whichever you want.

you explain your choice to one of the relatives if they are interested and they probably wont listen - or make up something else

join  the poss-up in the village hall unless you feel too upset 

Ignore play down or forget irrational behaviour - one family refused to shake hands with me ( poss they thought I was the undertaker). Someone else ( difft funeral) asked loudly " why is he here" - A third asked me to leave. A fourth, the PRIEST said he had been at  the church long  enough....A fifth, ( I wasnt there) three mourners turned to each other and asked "Did you tell Peter about the death?" Other mourners asked vacantly " where Peter den?" A sixth, ( I wasnt there) explained, "Only close family and  friends" and I said, I knew the dead man for  fifty years....which was about 40 y longer than the speaker.

so [lay it by ear, and say little

( at another ( I wasnt there) one mourner threatened to shoot another mourner ( Jamaica) - 

My mother wdnt hold a wake ( for my father) because she thought the village wasnt sorry enough - we thought she hadnt announced his death in the local paper. She had, but they carried it in a later edition - after the funeral.

it is a wild world out there. instant traditions and god knows what

[Peter Pedant]

Usually when this happens there isn't a lengthy service at the crematorium 

you;re allowed one - ( protestant) - they get into "single burial single resurrection" . Romans have incense  bells singing at the drop of a hat - kinda makes you accept the dead person is er dead. 

do what you want - it'll probably be wrong

[rowanwitch]

Service usually everyone,   they may say close family and friends at the crem, as to refreshments afterwards it's normally those who go to the crem/burial.

Sometimes it's clear from the death notice in the local paper if they put one in, or look out for notices on social media, families often set up memorial pages on Facebook so the older members see it.

[10ClarionSt]

In the past 12 months I've been to more funerals the the Co-op Funeral service. I think it's a question of respect more than anything, then how much you knew the deceased, which go towards making your decision.

[Buenchico]

My uncle's funeral commenced with a church service for everyone who wanted to attend.  Then only close family members went onto the crematorium for the cremation, with everyone else heading off to the reception elsewhere (to be joined by those from the crematorium later, of course).

My uncle's coffin was carried out of the church, on its way to the crematorium, to the sound of his favourite song,  'Smoke Gets in Your Eyes'! 🙄

[gingejbee]

If only everybody chose a direct cremation, there would be none of this nonsense (and expense) to contend with!

[naomi24]

Funerals aren't really for the dead - they're for the living.

[Zebediabolical]

I hate churches, but if I was specifically invited, I'd go sit though it, even carry the box if asked. 

The reception later, yep. I'm there.

The cremation though, that just feels way too personal for me. I can think of maybe half a dozen people I'd go to that for.

So yes to funeral, yes to booze, maybe to church service, hard pressed to go to a cremation. 

Of course, I'm the kind of *** who'd invite everyone to the cremation then roast a hog at the reception.

[gingejbee]

^Quite...and unnecessary in my opinion.