Mum dying - advice needed urgently.

[Traci66]

I have not seen or spoken to my mum in 17 years and I have just had a phone call from one of my sisters saying she is dying and desperately wants to make her peace with me before she dies. I have no inclination to see her what so ever, she has had seventeen years to make her peace and hasn't bothered, so my question is:
1) Do I go and see her and let her make her peace.
2) Go and see her and tell her exactly what I think.
3) Just keep away.
The thing is I can never forgive her for what she did.

[lady-janine]

you have to make up your own mind about what you can live with and what you don't want to live with but, personally, i would not go. that is unforgiveable behaviour. imo. good luck with whatever you decide. and hugs to you and your daughter.

[ladyalex]

I suspect Traci's tears for her mother are already shed, DT.
Probably about 17 years ago.

[DTCwordfan]

Possibly, LadyA, but the very fact that she is here asking for advice would suggest that there is some doubt with her, (understandably), some hope and, therefore, the need for closure.

[tinkerbell23]

Well done traci!! Despite my advice i think you actually have done the right thing.....im questioninh your sisters even being in the same house as that man!!!!! How kind of him to let you have 5mins..not.

Fresh start i think ...good luck to you and urs xxxxx

[Infomaniac]

I've only just read the thread: Traci my heart goes out to you. Your daughter sounds very understanding in the circumstances, and you clearly have her support. Her compassion highlights the lack of humanity of the abuser, who would apparently have condescended to give you five minutes with your mother if you gave in to pressure and visited her. I am sure you have made the right decision as to go would only have opened up the wounds even more. All my best wishes to you and your daughter.

[Traci66]

Also she has known for a while that she is dying, it is only now that death is almost on her doorstep, days rather than weeks according to my sister, that she has decided she wants to see me, why not six months ago when she was first given the diagnosis. But again, thank you all for your advice.

[brenda]

For me personally it would have to be No -- don't go.

Anyone who is complicit in and covers up child abuse, is to me a non person--

Worthy of no consideration what so ever.

[yogi-bear]

Considering the appalling situation from the past regarding your lovely daughter, I think you have made the right decision, Traci.....



All the very best

yogi xx

[divegirl]

So pleased you have made your decision.
Now is the time to move on and be the family that you have always been for you and your daughter.
You are in my thoughts and I wish you peace and love.

Lisa xxx

[woofgang]

I just re read the thread. Cannot believe that she is still with the man who abused her granddaughter or that she would ask you to be in the same building as him.

[joko]

i would imagine if it were me, i imagine my anger would be so great, if i went id be wanting to hurry her demise!

under those circumstances, i would not go...i would want her to die knowing what i thought of her and a rotten person she is

if this was 5 years ago and she was fine, would you go?
unlikely.
and i also doubt people on here would be advising you to go either... just because she is dying does not mean all her horrifying behaviour goes away.

some things are unforgiveable, even in death...

lets face it, you dont want to go, and going would probably upset you - and no doubt her - because she wouldnt exactly get a warm response...you may even end up rowing...

if it has taken her this long to make an effort, its clearly more to do with her imminent death, and perhaps some misguided attempt to make ensure she goes to heaven - a sort of deathbed confession (if she believes that sort of thing) than coming from a genuine feeling of regret and a true desire to make things right - or she'd have done it sooner - so her words and responses would probably not be quite as remorse-filled as you would like and that would anger you even miore....especially if she tried to somehow justify herself....

so i would advise you perhaps write her a letter... tell her what you think - dont rant and rave but just put it straight that you dont want to see her and why etc... at least then you will know you had said your piece...you could invite her to write a letter back - you dont even have to read it if you dont want... but she will also feel she has said her piece...

[boxtops]

Traci, I'd do No. 1, go and see her - just bite your lip, make your peace, and leave - let her depart in some sort of peace. People's perceptions of situations change when they know that departure is imminent - she might not have wanted to get in touch when she got her diagnosis, in case you felt you had to go then and felt obligated. This is a farewell. Would you go to her funeral? - if so - go now too, before it's too late.

[Mamyalynne]

I don't think 'Make your peace' is possible for Traci in this instance.

[boxtops]

Having reread the thread - I understand.

[EvianBaby]

I think you've made the right choice. It can't have been an easy one to make, especially with pressure added by your sisters. You and your daughter can get back to concentrating on your lives without those sort of people in it. x

[mazie]

having read this thread...I couldn't go. I really am sorry for your pain Traci

[Canary42]

What a lovely daughter you've raised Traci, a credit to you.

In view of information subsequent to my first post, please disregard it, I was wrong, and I apologise.

Good luck in the future.

[Caribeing]

To err is human to forgive divine