What are the reasons people have children?

[fraggle08]

I was reading this thread (http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Society-and-C
ulture/Question986440-5.html)
from a couple of weeks ago and it made me think also why is it that if you don't have children by a cetrain age you get treated like a weirdo, and also why do people actually decide to have children?
When I've asked friends, none can give me a straight answer, its usually "that's what people do, isn't it" - err, no not necessarily...
Me and my partner are unmarried, have been together 6 years, love eachother & are best friends, but we don't have any burning desire to get married or to have kids, but we are constantly asked/nagged about it by family, friends, colleagues etc.
We are now among the minority of our friends in not having kids, and I think I will actually scream if one more smug new parent says to me "you'll be next"!!!
The reason I won't is that I have no understanding of what motivates people to have a child in the first place. I have finally got my life to a place where I can do what I want when I want - why would I change that? There are already too many people on this planet so why would I add to that?
I know some people have kids because they don't mean to, but what about the rest? Is it as simple as because its what is expected of us?

[ummmm]

She sounds it Helen...

[tiggerblue10]

I never wanted kids before and I certainly didn't want to have any and bring them up alone. Then when I got to about 36/37 I thought to myself "what if I can't get pregnant" which is when it dawned on me that I may never have any having left it so late. My BF and I lived apart and far away from each other so I knew that it was probably never going to happen which is why I resigned myself to that fact. Then the year before last I fell pregnant at 39. It was a nice surprise and now I have a beautiful little boy.

Having said all that, if you and your partner are happy with your situation just tell the other "smug-marrieds" with kids that you are not interested and never will be in having kids. Or just tell them to s0d off as its your life and you can do with it as you wish.

[fraggle08]

but why ric.ror? why am i mad, and you are not?
and when people like ljdska, wingnut & redhelen say "i've always wanted children" or "I am desperate to have one" - what exactly is it that makes you want / desire it so much? What do you gain by having a kid that you can't possibly have without one?
That is the essence of what I don't understand.
The reasons for not having any are logical and easy to understand I think; my life is good as it is (if it ain't broke etc) plus there are too many people in world already.
However no-one can provide a reason why they want kids - they just want them.

[ummmm]

It's natural to want kids though. That's why most people have them.

[fraggle08]

ummmm why is it natural? because society tells us that is the "norm"?
i know we have bits n pieces to physically enable baby making but if everything down to our physicality there would be no gay people or vegetarians!

That's the essence of what I am getting at - I sense that many people do it because you "just do"?

and new judge - I love your reply thanks v much especially the last part! I often think Darwin would be turning in his grave if he could see how our welfare state has inhibited natural selection! (i.e. those who really should not breed, do so most prolifically!)

[dr b]

We have kids...

...to propagate the species (i.e. for the same reason dung beetles, Thompson's gazelles and marmosets breed - it's evolution)

...to have someone to take care of us in our old age (from society's perspective, you need workers to pay taxes for the old agers pensions)

..because they are cute and cuddly and love us unconditionally (this makes sense until they become teenagers)

[ummmm]

I can't imagine people having babies, especially the planned ones, because 'you just do'

Of course it's natural...we are animals after all. Everyone has seen enough nature programmes to see that all species breed. Many on instinct alone.

[~Wingnut~]

But you could easily argue the other way Fraggle and say I can't understand what it is that makes you NOT want to have kids? I think you saying the reasons for not wanting kids, life is good as it is etc.. are practical reasons for not wanting kids. If you wanted them then you would feel that you wanted them. You just don't want to have kids and that is fine :o)

[LoftyLottie]

I suppose a natural instinct took over fraggle. I felt just like you once. I didn't want kids at all and neither did my OH. We had a good life, travelled, renovated a house and did as we pleased and life was great. At about 33/34 we just decided that it would be nice to have a family and to share our life with a child and I have to admit it changed our lives and probably changed it for the better. We still went on doing the same things but the child brought an entirely new dimension to our life which was absolutely great. I never felt the need for any more or got broody about babies.

Our child was thought about, planned and wanted. The time was right.


I have never felt particularly maternal, but that child (now adult) is the best thing that happened to us. And now we are older and he is an adult he still brings us a lot of joy.

I don't know how old you are, but you may or may not change your mind. Life evolves and we change.

At the end of the day though it is your choice and nothing to do with anybody else.

I agree with New Judge early in the thread. Having a child is a total commitment and shouldn't be taken lightly. I knew if I had a child that child would be my first priority for a long, long time.

[Ankou]

for some women itis innate, for others it isn't.
i guess you feel you are a non-conformist, but in truth you are just conforming to a different type. i was quite willing to bring children into the world.

it doesn't fetter me that you wish to be childfree, nor would it if it became caprice to your nature. so the assertion that i am potentially one of the 'smug-marrieds' is really quite offensive.

http://en.wikipedia.o...ldfree#Overpopulation

[fraggle08]

I doubt most people use the 1st rationale, dr b but fair point.
The only 2 reasons I could think of why I might one day change my mind is that I do kinda like the idea of making a brand new person who is a cross between me and my man, but it scares me witless to think I'd be responsible for molding and nurturing them to be a well rounded adult - what if i mucked it up and turned them into a killer or a worse, a chav?!
The other reason is I don't like the idea of being a lonely old person (his family are notoriously rubbish at longevity so I'm inevitably going to be alone), but a friend told me that was a terrible reason and not to do anything based on that!
so cats and guinea pigs it is then!
BTW, good luck redhelen! i've a friend in the same boat and I wish her well but at the same time I always tell her to keep it in perspective and not become obsessed, in case it doesn't work out (e.g. pets are nice too! so is having a disposable income!)

[LoftyLottie]

I felt a need to be married because I wanted total commitment and to us it represented that total commitment. We had a very low key wedding so it was not.bout big parties and huge celebrations, but it was important to us. Actually, I would never have had a child without being married. Not for any moral reasons, but because I think it's the best way to do things.

[mccfluff]

i don't have kids, never wanted them. i do get fed up with people saying i'll change my mind one day

[Ankou]

from....

"we don't have any burning desire to get married or to have kids"

to

"I do kinda like the idea of making a brand new person who is a cross between me and my man"

you seem to have found your own motivation in the space of 50 minutes. there you have it.

[LoftyLottie]

You might change your mind one day McFluff
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>
;o)

(I did and I felt just like you!!)

[ummmm]

Fluff won't :-) She's far too selfish.....

[rowanwitch]

I always said I didn't want kids...and three late miscarriages made me feel it wasn't going to happen so when I found myself in mothercare holding a little nightie with tears streaming down my face I realised that actually it was what I wanted more than anything...turns out I was too late despite years of treatment it never happened ...What you've never had you never miss... not when it comes to children unfortunately

[EcclesCake]

I've never had a maternal instinct, fortunately I have a number of good friends who are the same and haven't been subjected to question.

I share Fraggle's view that the planet is overwhelmed with people; I have no desire to add to it just because society expects me to have a child.