Family dynamic

[jd_1984]

I am intrigued as to whether anyone has been in my situation before?

I live with my partner and her 2 year old son, we have been dating 14 months and living together 3 months. She hasnt been with the father since the birth of the boy but they have a semi formal, out of court, access arrangement which seems to work for all parties.

Now I never really wanted children, hand on heart I thought I was too selfish. But I am madly in love with this girl and its strange how now the thought of starting a family doesnt scare me at all, in fact I would like it some day. It just took the right girl to make me re-assess certain aspects of my life and changed the heading that I thought I was on!

Here lies the problem - She adores her son more than anything in the world. She told me last week that she didnt want more children as it wouldnt be fair on her son. She doesnt want him feeling like the outcast if we were to start our own family. Also the dynamic of the family might change, as I would give 100% love and attention to my own child and perhaps overlook her sons wants and needs. I pull my weight at the moment and I am very fond of the son, I see me and her as a team and we would always work a solution out together to any of lifes hurdles.

Although I dont want a kid now, I dont like thought that I never will. I want to stay with this girl and I probably will either way, but would just be nice to know at this stage that starting our own family is an option....

[Maydup]

I thinks there's a possibility that in the same way as you have changed your mind, your partner might too. At the moment maybe she doesn't realise that you have so the first thing is to tell her. Not in definite planned way, but in a flaterrind. eg You and your son have made such a difference to my life and my whole attitude toward families and children.

Work on the subject slowly and gently and all the time there's no pressure, there's a chance that your partner will begin to agree with you.

Do you have any friends with babies? Always useful to make a girl broodie.

Whatever you do, stay well away from the "you don't love me enough to have my children" conversation. It will be the end of the road. Good luck.

[Maydup]

"flattering" - sorry for typos

[jd_1984]

Thanks for your advice, it makes a lot of sense.
Like I said I dont want a family of my own yet but dont want to rule it out all together. Will approach the issue very slowly and see what happens as our relationship progressess. I wouldnt want her to do it if she didnt 100% want to for the right reasons, as it may cause resentment later on. I would hate it if she did it for me or to keep our relationship going, thats not healthy and I wouldnt want to start a family in that way.

Not going to worry too much, let things run their course somewhat and see how it goes

[johnny37]

'See how it goes'? Issues like this can cause great resentment in the long run. I assume you are a top guy anyway but I would give her son as much affection as you can and other kids as well to show that is how you behave with all children. Dont go over the top. Be very careful with discipline. It may upset her if she thinks you are interfering. Dont be confrontational at any time. It is sometime better to say nothing. Also try and get along with her ex. He is still the boys father. Dont broach the subject for another year (I know its difficult!). By then she will think you are a great guy to have a baby with!

[jd_1984]

I do put time in with the boy, not because I want to impress his mum but because I do actually like him and have naturally bonded. I would hope that my qualities as a person are already evident to her but I will just keep doing what I am doing. She encourages me to discipline him, it was very awkard at first, but I am getting to grips with how to read situations and deal with them effectively. His mum loves how I am with him. I have never met the dad, they only speak if they absolutlely have to. He moved to Newcastle while she was pregnant saying he was doing so to further his career and be able to better provide. Their relationship was already over and the child was a result of one night stand when they met up after the split. He then went missing until the boy was 6months old and since then has provided the minimum required by law.

She has been through a lot and I would hope that now in a stable relationship, we could start a family one day. I think you are right she just needs the reassurance that we are a strong couple and she wont end up being the mum to 2 children. both fathers are not around etc. I understand that completely.