partners daughter

[Barney41]

My partner and i have been together for a while now, we are both in our early 40s and live separate from one another, i often stay at her place and she often stays at mine, the problem is, she has a 17 year old daughter and without being negative, she is an absolute nightmare! Spoilt beyond belief, so immature at times it takes me back to when my daughter was 5 by the manner in which she was.(only when in need of something though) Only ever really takes part in a conversation with her mum when she is after buying something on line. I call it the little “princess attitude”
I have recently proposed to my partner, She said yes, on telling her daughter ......”no you are not” and stormed off soon after with tears and a mood.
I do understand the fact my partner has lived alone for a while and for the daughter to see me as a threat for taking her mums undivided attention from her but this is getting the better of me. It has even got to the point where i don’t even get a “hi or bye now” we have given it a good 18 months before the wedding day and obviously moving in with one another, but i am stressed to the end now with how her daughter is. My partner tries but then the tears appear and the daughter says she doesn’t care and loves me more, ...... this is just trying to get her to empty the dish washer ! help with some advice please

[Barney41]

you are right , she didnt stick to it, no one expects full on dictatorship , but like you said, "calm"

[woofgang]

I am not suggesting dictatorship but any community must have agreed rules and all actions have (or should have) consequences....politeness is met with politeness, rudeness or ignoring met with ignoring, refusal to do chores met with withdrawal of privileges (money nice food etc) kindness and thoughtfulness with gratitude....I bet your partner wouldn't put up with such behaviour from you?? not that I am suggesting that you should behave like a spoilt 17yo girl :-)

[yelenots]

I agree with with woofgang.....but something needs to be done before things go from bad to worse....you dont want her moving out and not speaking to either of you.

[NoMercy]

Christ! That girl needs a good kick up the backside.

Is she ever nice? If so, heap praise and encouragement upon her when she is, but don't treat negative behaviour with negativity. Ignore the tantrums and only respond when she is reasonable.

[Barney41]

things cant get any worse other than me getting out my cricket bat, my partner knows the elephant is in the room yet still ignores it, as far as doing nice things, no. it does not happen, she has to be asked to do everything and its always 2 or 3 times. the times she actually sits down and talks is to get bank details for ebay,amazon etc when she wants to buy stuff, which is getting more often, i think i heard a friend say that is escapism from reality. i have suggested to my partner that when she talks like a 5 yr old when in need of something, to same come back and speak to me properly and we can discuss, it never happens ....... wits end on this is all too close !

[boxtops]

Jonty - in which case your OH has to say no. Why should she spend money on nice stuff on-line when she is doing nothing to contribute towards the household in terms of helping with chores etc. Does she do her own washing and ironing? I bet not - well, perhaps she should, many people of her age do. Sorry to ask questions, but does your OH work? - in which case, from a grown young lady, even if still at school, help with cooking and housework wouldn't be at all unexpected.

[Barney41]

i have said if i behaved like that what would you say, i was met with a scorned look and yet she still didnt get my point of it, im not saying my partner is stupid but i feel she just wants to not cause friction from her daughter to whom has even made her mum cry due to her retaliation in past !

[boxtops]

^ and PS - from my own experience of a certain unhappy time in my past, buying things was a release - in my then muddled mind, buying stuff seemed to be a way of trying to make everything in my world all right again. Needless to say, it wasn't!

[Barney41]

my other half works mon - fri full time, the daughter can even operate washing machine and i dread to think of the state of the ironing if she ever tried, when my children were at that age i never once took board from them , i used to ask them to take it in turns to do chores , 1 or 2 chores a week, ok ok im comparing and i said id never do that ,

[woofgang]

"my partner knows the elephant is in the room yet still ignores it, "
then with respect you are stuffed.

[ladybirder]

Agree with Woofgang. I also think it's not the girl's fault, it's her mother that's the problem and until the mother get's a grip of the situation then you are indeed stuffed. Little madam should have been put on the naughty step years ago - by her mother. And her mother has done her no favours by allowing her to carry on the way she is as it sounds as if she's ended up with a thoroughly unpleasant daughter.

[ummmm]

Like NoM says...she needs a kick up the arse...

As for heaping praise on her....no way, that's how you teach a toddler right from wrong. At 17 she should be grown now.

There's not much point giving you advise if it won't be taken because her Mother won't do anything about it...If it was my daughter I would not even let her share my space until she learnt some respect.

[NOX]

I think it's reasonably to be expected that she resents you having her mother's attention. She sounds very much to me like someone who hasn't been taught the social skills to deal with the way she is feeling. It's all too easy especially at her age to decide to petulantly lash out at anything you don't like, and feelings of being ' misunderstood' often make what starts as a mardy fit about something turn to real depression and anger. You need in effect to break the cycle and the way to do that is not to retaliate to anything negative she does but to set her up in sa situation where she's obliged to do soemthing positive for which she can then be praised and rewarded. It take a little guile to get a kid like this out of it's learned behavioural cycles but it's perfectly possible - the key is to avoid confrontation, be calm and reasoned at all times and keep dialogue open. I'm the father and step father of more mardy teenagers than you can shake a stick at and was indeed one myself and that's the only way we ever found success.

[DTCwordfan]

Agree with Woofgang. Mother's problem and she has to sort it out - may be worth sharing this thread with her to show how others think about it.

All you can do is (i) back off (ii) be calm and (iii) offer that you are there for whenever she needs advice or is in trouble (and I dont mean being an ATM). When you are formally together, you and her Mum can lay down some more ground rules.....

And yes financial starvation will soon work - I would also get her Mum to encourage her to do some visiting to poverty centres, Voluntary Aid programs (Gap Year perhaps would be an excellent opportunity to kick her out of the house nicely and make her grow up.....), and I am sure others would advise of similar programmes. Whatever school we go to, by definition it is a certain clique/set in society - being away from home at that age broadens you, your experiences, responsibilities and views on life.....

Good luck

[woofgang]

nox you are right but jonty can't do anything......

[ladybirder]

Boot Camp?

[karenmac60]

From mum's perspective - maybe she feels guilty and that is why she gives in all the time. If it has just been her and daughter for a long time then she maybe feels that her daughter has a point, that she isn't giving her the same kind of attention she used to be able to, and so she feels that she's being selfish and putting her own happiness ahead of her child's. So she tries to make up for it by giving in to her daughter at every turn. Daughter obviously knows which buttons to push with mum so uses emotional blackmail to get her own way. Mum has to realise that daughter is no longer a child and wouldn't be getting the same attention as a toddler now anyway - regardless of mum's romantic situation. She has to instill a little tough love here and not beat herself up about it, her daughter needs more responsibility and independence or she is not going to be able to stand on her own 2 feet. Make your partner realise that far from being a bad parent by not giving in to all demands, she is giving her daughter valuable life lessons on being able to look after herself. I really think the guilt your partner feels is the crux of the matter. Good luck x

[woofgang]

" Make your partner realise that far from being a bad parent by not giving in to all demands, she is giving her daughter valuable life lessons on being able to look after herself."

err karen don't you think he would make his partner understand that if he could?

[karenmac60]

I know, I know - easier said than done - but maybe the whole 'guilt' aspect hasn't been covered.

[Barney41]

i have had many a chat with my partner, i do like the idea of getting her to go to poverty centres, i do like that very much, i have also talked about giving her responsibilities, ie, tickets for gigs, my partner always pays for them up front and this can be hundreds of pounds and then she gets the money back from others, i said show your daughter how to do all this and she can arrange to get the monies and do it herself, a feeling of being responsible,
as has been said it is ultimately down to my partner, she chooses to ignore so much, much of this is fear based, but i also know this is a phase that is very draining on both of us, but also as written by an ABer "She has to instill a little tough love here and not beat herself up about it, her daughter needs more responsibility and independence or she is not going to be able to stand on her own 2 feet. Make your partner realise that far from being a bad parent by not giving in to all demands, she is giving her daughter valuable life lessons on being able to look after herself" i fully agree !