My Husband Is Driving Me Nuts

[Wendywoo52]

My oh has a few health issues. He has diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, copd, glaucoma and is slightly deaf. He is driving me nuts!!! He gets up in a morning and sits in his chair all day on his laptop with the television blaring out. He is very bad tempered and I am scared to ask him to turn it down in case he has a tantrum. The only thing he does in the house is the washing up after dinner. He never helps cook clean , wash iron vacuum or even make a cup of coffee . He wont go shopping because " he hates it" he wont go out for a meal or a drink because he says everything is too expensive he wont even let me buy a take away! He has always been quite controlling IF I argue with him about anything he just says well you know where the door is! He wont discuss anything and if I say anything to upset him he stops talking to me completely and this can go on for weeks. I find that very upsetting which is why I agree to most everything he says. He hates Christmas and has nothing to do with his own children ( we have both been married before) as "they are a waste of space and thoughtless! " We have been married 25years and he has always been like this to a degree (not helping etc) but when we were both working I could cope. Now we are both retired and at home all day we seem to be OK for a couple of weeks then he has another tantrum over something. Today it was because I asked him to help me reach the tree down and he said there was no need for the tree until Christmas Eve if at all as their is only us who will see it (my children live 100 miles away and do not come because he is not sociable with them and just continues on his laptop or watching tv. so they prefer me to go to them)
Do you think his illnesses are making him worse? Or do you think it is just age ? He is 70 but I am 10years younger. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just needed to off load and have no-one I can do it too. I cannot tell my family and we do not have any friends.

[starone]

I agree with scorpiojo to a certain extent but antidepressants are not the answer. They might make you feel better for a while but they are not going to cure the basic difficulty. As scorpiojo has said, you could make things difficult for your husband by insisting the house is sold so that you could get your half share which would enable you to find somewhere else to live and you could also no doubt transfer some of the money in your joint account into a single account for yourself. I think though that you need some legal advice about this. Don't forget you will lose your carer's allowance if you leave so you will not have much to live on. You must make preparation if you decide to leave, and personally I think this would be the best thing for you. You are certainly not happy as you are.

[scorpiojo]

Sorry starone, it took me so long to type that that I didn't see all the good advice you'd already given Wendy.

[starone]

It certainly needs a lot of thought scorpiojo and I hope some of it will be useful to Wendy but I don't suppose any of us can make a true judgement if we have not experienced it ourselves. I do not think living a life of misery is good for anyone though - life is for living, in my opinion and you should be able to enjoy as much of it as possible. It's short enough as it is! It shouldn't be an unhappy life as well!

[Brinjal]

Shame Wendy. Having just turned 60 it is no great age and still plenty of time to move on if you wish. I know that it can be difficult and can come down to finances so before making any drastic changes. However I would be making a life for myself out of the house. Go out if you feel like it. Make friends that you can do things with go places by yourself. Movies museum art galleries. Don't stay at home being chief cook and bottle washer for him. And if you choose to have your tea at the pub or cafe do do and don't feel obliged to put a meal on the table for him. Get acess to your own funds don't allow him to control what is yours.

[Old_Geezer]

He sounds depressed to me. I'm unsure how to encourage him to take more of an interest in life, Hopefully some here can make suggestions. May be worth lovingly saying how doing the same thing every day makes life a toil rather than fun, and maybe he could consider finding new interests to make life, well, interesting again ? Once more active maybe he'll take more of an interest in helping out also, but getting out of this frame of mind is the first goal.

[Prudie]

I agree he sounds depressed and that combined with the cantankerousness that some people get when they are older (I'm thinking of my mother, anyone else?) is probably why he is the way he is. I do feel very sorry for you though, it may seem harsh but I always say 'you've only got one life' - you're not going to be able to start again once he's gone/better. Think of yourself, go out anyway, try to make new friends, get some enjoyment out of life You are not his possession, it sounds like he's not in a mental state to consider your feelings anyway.

[Wendywoo52]

Well it seems I have few options at the moment. I could not live on the money I would be entitles to (just over £70 per week) I do not know how anyone can so it looks like I am stuck until I reach pension age. He is still ignoring me so I have made a decision to just get on with my life and stop being so pathetic. I have spoken to my daughter this morning and although she said you know you can always come here they live in a 3 bedroom house with 4 children 2 dogs & 2 cats so realistically that would not work. I have managed for the last 25 years so I think I can cope a little while longer. My private pension starts in June next year so there is an end to it. If we sell the house I should have enough to buy a little terraced house near my family. Thank you everyone for your support. You cannot imagine how you helped.

[pusskin]

Have read all your posts Wendy, and want to wish you good health and more happiness for the future. I hope all your problems soon get resolved.
Strive to keep going, and wish you happier times x

[scorpiojo]

Don't think of yourself as pathetic Wendy, it seems like your husband has just gradually worn you down over the years. Good luck x

[Wendywoo52]

I think you are right scorpiojo . It is a sad feeling when stranhers care more about how you feel that the person you chose to share your life with. I am going to go out now and get on with my Christmas and he can wallow on his own.

[atalanta]

Write yourself a list of gains and losses. You can be free, or tied to a lazy demanding bully.
Alright, you lose some money, but with your caring background, you'd easily get a job in a care home at the very least. You might even get a live-in job as a housekeeper somewhere. Some boarding schools have such jobs, and they prefer mature women. You'll gain by having more fun ( you could hardly be having less, could you ?) getting to know more people, opening up your horizons. You won't have his company, but that's a bonus, not a disadvantage.
Stop being a doormat
Time to go

[masma]

Wendy.. could you get yourself a little job? My sister-in-law was at her wits end after my brother died suddenly, she got a job at her local Asda which has been the making of her both socially and financially. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[johnny37]

Sorry to hear all this. It nust be awful for you. I wonder why you dont use the door. Is there anyone who could put you up while you get sorted? I was also wonering whether he might be mentally ill or demented.

[Wendywoo52]

It is so easy to say leave and I know I would be saying the same thing but it is not so easy to do. We own our own house so I would not get any help with housing costs and I am too young for pension credit but I am over £60 so would only have £70 a week to live on. He makes me miserable but he doesn't hit me. The only place I could go would be my daughters and she is married with 4 children and they only have a small 3 bedroom ex council house so no room really. I do not have any friends as he is not sociable and I have let him alienate the friends I had years ago. I have decided to leave but I have decided I can cope until my pension kicks in next June. I will go to my daughters at Christmas. I am now just so tired. He hasn,t spoken a word now for 3 days. His sister was the same. She died 10 years ago and had alienated everyone and for the last 7 years of her life never left the house. The trouble is he cannot see he is letting history repeat itself. The chances of me getting a job are practically nil as I haven't worked for 10years. I am OK now though. I have made a plan.

[gness]

Whatever your plan is, Wendy....I do wish you well and happiness...Gx

[scorpiojo]

Perhaps, while you're still living there, you could volunteer at a charity shop or lunch club just to get you out and provide a bit of company for you? Check do-it.org.uk and see if there's something you would like to do. x

[chrissa1]

I feel so sorry for you,Wendy. Are you still cooking for him? If he is being so churlish as to not speak to you for 3 days, let him get his own meals.

I hope you have a good Xmas with your daughter.

[Wendywoo52]

Scorpiojo You helped me so much the other night. I have looked into joining the local U3A and will be doing that but it is finished now until January. I have talked to my daughter and she is being very supportive and I am feeling a bit better now. Though I do keep randomly bursting into tears but I am sure I will be fine now.

[Wendywoo52]

No I am not cooking for him. In fact he hasn't eaten for 3 days! Which is a worry with his diabetes but I am now at the stage where I think if he will not care about himself I have no hope of him ever caring about me. I am being very strong as normally when this happens I tell him I am sorry for whatever it is he thinks I have done to upset him and continue cooking and making drinks but now I think no more.

[tamborine]

He will soon speak if you serve him with divorce papers. Your local magistrate court give more info - ring them. DIY divorce costs £70, adjudged by magistrate who will also order sale of home (award you 50%+) marriage 'irretrievable broken down' is sufficient reason. Find voluntary work to avoid time spent with OH; good luck
http://www.onlinedivorce.org.uk/diy-divorce/