What do YOU think to this situation?

[spammylou]

A bloke I know is happy to buy cannabis/skunk for other people and makes a small profit out of doing it, but it often means that he is out doing stuff when he should be at home with his kids (he is either at work or out). His wife doesn't like it, so he lies to her about what he is doing. Who is being unreasonable here? He is 34 with 3 children. He wanted my opinion and I told him I thought he was being stupid, he can't see the big deal.

[dirtyharriet]

Does he know you are posting this?

Whatever anyone else may think, what this man does is his own business. Whether or not he "should" be at home with his kids is a matter of concern for them and them only. If his wife doesn't like it and he lies to her to keep her quiet, and isn't at home much then I wouldn't imagine they have a very close relationship. She probably knows he's lying anyway.

I'm not going to voice my opinion on his selling of skunk as that is a separate issue that I don't want to get into.
All I will say is that in my experience where there are drugs there are also relationship problems and lies.

He asked your opinion which you gave, if he chooses to ignore it then what else can you do?

[collywobs]

what if this "chap" was an older lady who just made "special cakes" for some close friends at no profit ????

 

 but i aree with the harriet  you said it not your business. yet you seem to be annoyed because you dont like him doing it .

do you say it because you have an experience with things like this and dissagree because of what you leaned

 

tell us we are dying to know why this is so important to you

[~Wingnut~]

He think's he is in the right even tho he knows that what he is doing is wrong so he's gonna tell you that he can't see the big deal so that he doesnt feel so guilty about it, but, if thats what he thinks why was he asking for your opinion? 
I agree with you spammylou he is being stupid, would he really not see the big deal if he got caught? I bet his wife would when she finds out he's been lying to her.
You can tell him this: Friday teatime, we had the drug squad at our neighbours next door (second time they have been there this year, but the bloke only had a bit of cannibis so they couldn't do him that time cos they said it could be for personal use. It's been obvious for past year he is a dealer) this time however, he was lead away in handcuff's, house turned upside down, car searched etc.. does he want his 3 kids to see that? to see their Dad in court and possibly sent away?
Ask him if it would all be worth it then? and with the way the police are cracking down on this type of thing they could just be round the corner...

~Wingnut~

[spammylou]

reasons being kids, because I wanted to get a balanced viewpoint from all of you about this situation.  It obviously didn't come across that I was just a "friend" as my anger must have shone through between the lines - as you probably guessed it goes much deeper than this - as it is ME who is his wife and it IS my business - i just did not want to put down that it was my situation. So there you have it.   

[~Wingnut~]

Oh spammylou, I must be stupid cos I didn't realise it was you, sorry, I would have been more diplomatic with my answer & not have waffled. I honestly did think you were just a friend of this bloke. I almost didn't post, wish I hadn't now.

I hope you manage to work this situation out. apoligises again

[bad11thebone]

 

Its nobody elses business what he gets up to, if he wants to do it then just turn the other cheek he is in control of his life so why interfere?

[bad11thebone]

Oops should of read the thread a bit more didnt realise you was the wife, I presumed you have spoken to him about your concerns if you have and nothing has taken an affect then leave him that will soon shake things up a bit.

[jno]

he neglects his family and lies to his wife, yeah, that's unreasonable. And that's not to mention any lawbreaking.

[spammylou]

no no no wingnut, I'm glad you did. you see, that's what I wanted, was an honest answer, no need to soften it up.  That is what this place is for.  I suppose it is different if it is someone else we are talking about, i.e if it was a friend of mine it wouldnt be my problem, but sadly it is. We are now at breaking point i believe. Its great, my birthday this tuesday, supposed to be going away next monday, car broken down (only just bought it) life just couldn't be better!!  Haven't stopped arguing about this and general stuff. am so fed up.

[BillyNoMates]

I happen to live next door to a gentleman, slightly older than 34, but who trades in cannabis. He does this quite openly - the majority of the neighbours are aware of this.

I have had to take the view that he knows that I know, and that providing it causes me no problems, I turn a blind eye. He basically is a decent guy in principle, but not someone to cross.

He, however, does this at all times whilst his children are around. They must know what goes on and it is done in sufficient quantity for him to seem to make a good living out of it.

Whether this is right or wrong is difficult - on the one hand, he providing a good standard of living for his family. On the other hand he is, as he well knows, breaking the law. He knows the risks of being caught - one thing I don't understand is that he well known to the Police.

Whether he is aware of the risks of cannabis is another question - he uses it himself. Whilst I don't use drugs myself - well only alcohol which is still legal - I wonder if he thinks about the potential effects on the future lives of those youngsters he supplies. I suspect not. But that is another thread all together !

[ALLO]

well i think your rite for thinking he's stupid! he is. people should have more sence then that. the man has a wife and three kids. and he's risking going to jain to make a few bucks?! not a wise thing! he belongs home with his familly! not about the streets all hours of the night to sell weed. and lieing to his wife, shame on him! that's wrong. pray for your friend! it sounds to me that he need prayer!

[Lillabet]

Hmmm. Personal choice aside as he is your husband what he does impacts upon you. The worst case scenario I guess would be what Wingnut described - him arrested and imprisoned. You left to cope as a de facto single parent. Some people might feel that the benefits - cash brought in - outweigh this possible negative scenario.

However even if he doesn't get caught his behaviour is causing the two of you to fight and presumably damaging your relationship. Being lied to can't be fun - I bet you feel like you're turning into the bad cop - always checking up. If it were a friend  I'd say let them know you disapprove and that you won't help cover for them and then just leave it.

As his wife I'd try to talk to him again. But try not to be accusatory. Instead of 'stop lying to me' say 'when you lie it makes me trust you less and I want us to be able to trust each other.' Basically I would suggest that you need to be as ultra reasonable and non angry as possible so that he has to answer your questions and can't just say that you're being unreasonable.

I'd also ask why he does this. Does he feel you need more money - if so can it be made another (legal) way? Is it that these people are his friends and he likes to spend time with them? Well can't he socialise with them without acting as a dealer?

Best of luck.

[twiglet4frog]

god, same situation about a guy same age going out and selling drugs while the wife is at home with the three kids, i know someone similar. only he wasnt just selling the drugs but happily sleeping with one of his customers as well cos she was pretty and couldnt afford to pay everytime!

All i can say is that if it makes u that unhappy then tell him u are leaving unless all the lies and going out stops for a time, then reasses it, but i have to say that if u dont trust him and he seems happy to put u and his kids on the backburner then surely u will never find the happy situation u are looking for?

good luck

[spammylou]

Thank you chaps for all your responses; we've had it out and things are getting sorted.  It may be only on a small scale but it's big enough a problem to me and he is fully aware that we will no longer have a relationship if he wants to continue doing little "favours" for mates. Thank you again. xxxx