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Should I Break Up With My College Boyfriend Because He Doesn't Act Like
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I'm thinking of breaking up with my college boyfriend of 3.5+ years but I'm not sure if I'm asking too much or expecting too much of a college boyfriend. For context, we met and started dating our freshman year and I have just graduated after 4 years while he has one more year to go. We get along great and have so many similar interests and hobbies. We like to do the same things and have the same humor. We don't have many day-to-day problems but the problem is I feel like he's not what I would call "husband material".
He is not good at managing his money, he hardly ever has any to spend. His parents pay his rent and school so he is lucky that he doesn't have to work to get by but he doesn't always have a job and when he does he spends his paychecks very quickly on hobbies. Given, because he's in school he doesn't work much so his paychecks aren't that big. But his paychecks go immediately and he's not even doing well in school. I am also a fulltime student and work 8-14 hours a week. I got lucky and have a higher paying job so I often have cash to spend. I also excelled in my classes and he has done rather poorly in his, he's failed and had to repeat many. I am in an "easier" major than he is, but I just feel like there is no work ethic in his school work or his job. He often forgets big deadlines or mismanages his time until it's too late. Big tasks overwhelm him so he avoids thinking about them until the last second and it often doesn't go well.
This applies to chores and things as well. I cannot trust that he will do an errand or a task that I ask from him. Like bring something I forgot when he joins me on campus. Or do his dishes. Or pick something up from the store while he's there. I can't trust him to get anything done if I don't ask him repeatedly. Things for me, the house, or even himself I feel like I have to remind and nag him many times about. He also is not the best (but getting better) at all things involving taking care of himself. I have to coax him into doing his laundry or making food for himself. He usually relies on me to buy him groceries even though we never decided that. And he often asks me what the dinner plan is. He doesn't have the best habits for keeping things tidy either.
I feel bad because I know he struggles with anxiety and maybe depression. I know these are probably a root to many of his problems. Covid hit him really hard moving back in with his overbearing parents and I do sympathize with that. However, I am lucky enough to not have to struggle much with those problems and therefore I feel like I can't truly understand what's going on inside his head. It's hard because he knows when he messes up and apologizes all the time. He's not some dick bf who doesn't care, he really does care and wants to be better- just seems to always mess up again. Maybe I need to be more lenient. I feel bad because I know I'm accidentally teaching him that he's not enough. But he just always does fall short of what I expect.
I just feel like I don't see the trajectory our relationship moving in the direction toward the type of marriage I want. We've been dating 3.5+ years and I feel like I should be sure by now. Things are slowly getting better I think but how much longer do I wait to see if he becomes the man I want to marry? He thinks I'm giving up and walking away, am I being too impatient? Maybe I'm being unfair because he is just still a college student, can I really expect him to act like a marriage material man?
He is not good at managing his money, he hardly ever has any to spend. His parents pay his rent and school so he is lucky that he doesn't have to work to get by but he doesn't always have a job and when he does he spends his paychecks very quickly on hobbies. Given, because he's in school he doesn't work much so his paychecks aren't that big. But his paychecks go immediately and he's not even doing well in school. I am also a fulltime student and work 8-14 hours a week. I got lucky and have a higher paying job so I often have cash to spend. I also excelled in my classes and he has done rather poorly in his, he's failed and had to repeat many. I am in an "easier" major than he is, but I just feel like there is no work ethic in his school work or his job. He often forgets big deadlines or mismanages his time until it's too late. Big tasks overwhelm him so he avoids thinking about them until the last second and it often doesn't go well.
This applies to chores and things as well. I cannot trust that he will do an errand or a task that I ask from him. Like bring something I forgot when he joins me on campus. Or do his dishes. Or pick something up from the store while he's there. I can't trust him to get anything done if I don't ask him repeatedly. Things for me, the house, or even himself I feel like I have to remind and nag him many times about. He also is not the best (but getting better) at all things involving taking care of himself. I have to coax him into doing his laundry or making food for himself. He usually relies on me to buy him groceries even though we never decided that. And he often asks me what the dinner plan is. He doesn't have the best habits for keeping things tidy either.
I feel bad because I know he struggles with anxiety and maybe depression. I know these are probably a root to many of his problems. Covid hit him really hard moving back in with his overbearing parents and I do sympathize with that. However, I am lucky enough to not have to struggle much with those problems and therefore I feel like I can't truly understand what's going on inside his head. It's hard because he knows when he messes up and apologizes all the time. He's not some dick bf who doesn't care, he really does care and wants to be better- just seems to always mess up again. Maybe I need to be more lenient. I feel bad because I know I'm accidentally teaching him that he's not enough. But he just always does fall short of what I expect.
I just feel like I don't see the trajectory our relationship moving in the direction toward the type of marriage I want. We've been dating 3.5+ years and I feel like I should be sure by now. Things are slowly getting better I think but how much longer do I wait to see if he becomes the man I want to marry? He thinks I'm giving up and walking away, am I being too impatient? Maybe I'm being unfair because he is just still a college student, can I really expect him to act like a marriage material man?
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I've read through your lengthy post twice looking for that word that indicates possible 'husband material' - love.
It's good that you are not viewing your relationship through rose tinted glasses and infatuation but what is marriage without love?
He shouldn't have to change to 'become the man you want to marry'. That man is in your head and doesn't exist. If you don't love him for who he is, but a good supportive friend and end the relationship.
It's good that you are not viewing your relationship through rose tinted glasses and infatuation but what is marriage without love?
He shouldn't have to change to 'become the man you want to marry'. That man is in your head and doesn't exist. If you don't love him for who he is, but a good supportive friend and end the relationship.
Very few men are what women would call 'marriage material'. Some have stupid hobbies, some haven't a clue about shopping or housework or how to budget.
If you love him then accept who he is and don't try to change him and stop looking for Prince Charming to come charging towards you on his big horse.
If you love him then accept who he is and don't try to change him and stop looking for Prince Charming to come charging towards you on his big horse.
Take this from somebody who has been I. A very similar situation.
There are a lot of fish in the sea. The person you were when you two started dating is a wildly different person after 3.5 years. If he isn't husband material, there is husband material out there waiting to be found.
Some of the best relationship advice I have ever heard goes something like "if you do not want your partner to do something, they must also not want to do that thing." The opposite also applies. You cannot force somebody to be something they are not and you'll resent each other if you try. It's okay to let go of somebody.
There are a lot of fish in the sea. The person you were when you two started dating is a wildly different person after 3.5 years. If he isn't husband material, there is husband material out there waiting to be found.
Some of the best relationship advice I have ever heard goes something like "if you do not want your partner to do something, they must also not want to do that thing." The opposite also applies. You cannot force somebody to be something they are not and you'll resent each other if you try. It's okay to let go of somebody.
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