Why Would She Lie To Me?

[renegadefm]

Not sure if anyone can help as it's a delicate subject, and ideally I was hoping to see how a woman would respond, but here goes. 

Back in 1987 my girlfriend at the time cheated on me with one of my mates.

I didn't find this out until after she broke up with me. Her reasons for breaking up with me was she reckoned we were too young to get too serious. 

Admittedly we were only 18 at the time, but in hindsight obviously she had other reasons, and one was she was sleeping with my mate before we broke up, so affectively she was sleeping with both me and my mate.

The plot thickens, now because by Christmas that year another friend of mine said did I know my ex is actually pregnant, and had been for a few months, to which I dated back to when we were still together. 

Of course by now alarm bells are ringing in my ears, could the baby be mine, so I agonised about what to do, baring in mind I had not spoken or seen my ex since we broke up. 

Weeks of agony went by then I thought I will pay my ex a visit, so I did. We started chatting quite good, once we got past how the weather was and small talk, I politely asked could the baby be mine, and she quickly and rather bluntly said no, not a chance. 

To which I asked when is the baby due, she said early April, then doing the maths in my head, it took me back to when she was sleeping with both of us, baring in mind I didn't know that she was seeing both of us then. 

By now I could see she was getting a bit anxious and irritated I was even there, so I finished my coffee and wished her all the best and left. 

All these years have gone by and it's always been nagging me could the baby had been mine. 

Of course the baby is now a 35 year old man. 

Lots of years have past now, and I haven't seen my ex since that day when I asked her could the baby be mine. 

Then recently I came across my ex's Facebook profile, mainly because she's mutual friends with one of friends.

I started browsing her pics, and too my horror I seen her son, both as a new born baby and how he looks as an adult. And my God he looks like me. 

He certainly doesn't look like my then mate, so it looks more like he's my son. But how can I prove it as by now we have all moved on, I have my own family and so does she. 

But it goes back to my original question why did she try to keep all this from me, and say the child wasn't mine, why would a woman do that? 

[renegadefm]

Barsel, 

Okay, let's weigh up the pros and cons. 

This could go great or very badly. 

He might welcome me with open arms, but its a 35 year old man I don't actually know. 

I'm not deliberately trying to pluck out the negatives, but I have to think realistically. 

I can't emphasise enough 35 years have past, and he's grown up thinking his biological father is not me, so it would send shock waves in his family circle and his friends, work colleagues etc.

Plus it could fracture his relationship between him and his mum. It's obvious she not only kept this secret from me, but from him too, so she's bent the truth for 35 years, and up til now successfully. 

I would be lying to myself if I said I don't want to know the truth and why did she lie to me in the first place, but after hearing some of the male responces it awakened me into concidering she lied to me so I didn't keep pestering her, because she knew I didn't handle the break up very well at all, so I guess she knew if I knew I was the father to her child, I would be a nightmare to get rid of. 

Problem is I would have only tried to do the right thing, but she obviously wasn't thinking straight. 

Remember her reasons for breaking up was in hindsight she could tell I was getting too serious, treating her like a proper girlfriend, but she found it too full on, she was 18 and wanted to be free.

So although I want to know the truth, always have, 35 years on would it cause more damage than good?

He might think, who's this creep claiming to be my biological father? 

[Canary42]

Sadly, I don't think you should follow this up - it could become a nightmare for all concerned.

Hard as it will always be (and I do sympathise), "grin and bear it" is the wisest option in my opinion.

[Barsel]

Canary, that is your opinion. Some of us have different opinions and it's up to renegade to make the final choice, but all I'm hearing is what if's.

Renegade you are talking about something that happened 35 yrs ago. People change a lot in that time. Perhaps she regrets what she said all those years ago, perhaps the lad has wanted to know who his biological father is for years. Do you know for a fact that he was told you are not his biological father? perhaps his family, friends and work colleagues will be delighted, you really don't know.

Things are different now. Perhaps at the time she thought you may have wanted to marry her, but she didn't want to marry you. Chances are, she won't be thinking like that now.

I'm sorry I have to leave this here as I'm going out for the rest of the day, but I will look in later to see if you have any more to add.

Try to be more positive.

 

[pastafreak]

I've not read all of this...just skimmed. But saying she lied is a bit of a stretch, as she may not have known herself at the time. The boys resemblance to you may not have shown up for years. Facial features change...a lot sometimes. My daughter looked exactly like her fraternal grandmother when she was 4...that resemblance was gone by her teens.

If you are going to contact anyone, it should be the mother first. You've no idea what her son knows...what his life was like while growing up. If he knows anything about you, but has not searched for you...he may have no interest in having a relationship. 

It would be dreadfully unfare to just appear in his life. 

[renegadefm]

I would have married her that's the thing, I loved her so much, but its difficult to say if 35 years ago if the feeling was mutual. 

I'm so confused what to do, so many conflicting responces I am reading. 

Some are suggesting leave well alone. 

I will have a think, and come back later this evening. 

Thanks everyone so far. 

 

[LadyCG]

At the end of the day it's his decision whether he wants to get to know you or not but it would be fundamentally wrong to deny him that choice and the only way to present that choice to him is to take the plunge and contact him. What if he's spent years wishing he could make contact with you?

[Redhelen72]

Sorry not read it all but it appears that you think you are the biological father of a man because you had a brief relationship with his mother.

the only evidence you have is a picture, based on that alone you want to jump in with hob nail boots and upset several lives.

you need to think long and hard before you do anything about what the consequences are to this course of action.

[Prudie]

If the feeling was mutual 35 years ago she wouldn't have said what she did and broken up with you. This story is bad enough for you without turning it into some kind of mills and boon romance.

Do you know what happened to the other guy, did he bring up this 'potential son'  as his own (sorry I haven't absorbed the whole thread). I have seen others say what is the reality, the man can try and track you down as his birth father if he wanted but otherwise I'd leave well alone.

Your current partner needs to be a very understanding woman too, I wouldn't particularly want to hear from my husband that he loved someone so much once that he wanted to marry her, some things should be kept quiet.

[naomi24]

If the son wanted to get to know the OP he could search for him.  He's a grown man.  

[renegadefm]

I'll try and answer to multiple responces.

First of all I'm not going to go into this with hob nail boots, or like a bull in a chinashop, I would have done that when it was still relatively fresh 30 odd years ago, or at least while he was still a child.

That said we didn't have the internet then, so I wouldn't have seen pics, so to be fair to my ex, she might not have known who the biological father was. 

But what struck me odd was how she seemed so sure that day I visited her just before baby was born, she quickly blurted NO as in I wasn't the biological father. Of course in hindsight she didn't want me to think I was the father as she knew how I was and wouldn't have gone away. Not in a stalker way, but because I would have tried supporting her. 

The other guy who was the other potential biological father as I said did a runner the minute he discovered she was pregnant, so he's never been in the boys life either. 

Not long after he was born, she moved away and even left her parents house, so I presume to get far enough away from the whole saga, and away from me. 

I didn't actually find out she moved away until probably a year or so after she already left. 

So my point is I have no clue what she's told her son as to who could possibly be his biological father. 

Which is what is holding me back from digging, it might ruin the relationship between son and mum, I couldn't forgive myself if I destroyed that. 

I could open up a can of worms. 

I suppose there's a chance I am not the biological father, but after seeing various photos of him, I've convinced myself I am. 

I knew the other potential father, and trust me he looks nothing like him. 

Another thing is I have no clue where my ex's son lives currently, I'm assuming not too far from his mum, but who knows, he's 35 now and could live in another country for all I know. 

Part of me now wishes I didn't snoop at her pics on her Facebook account, because it's unlocked so many things in my head, it's become like a soap opera in my head, which I have spewed out to everyone on here, and I can only apologise for that. 

My problem is I never expected so many different responces. 

Some are saying go for it. Others are saying leave well alone. There isn't really any safe middle ground. 

I could try and contact my ex, but after 35 years I doubt she would help or explain why she kept the truth from me, because as someone said she might not have known herself, she might still not know. But it was all to keep me away. As far as she was concerned we were history, and to be fair we were both only 18. In hindsight it would have been way too young to get too heavy. So she probably did the right thing. 

Who knows because in life we are constantly learning, there is no rule book to life as everyone is different. 

[pastafreak]

// So my point is I have no clue what she's told her son as to who could possibly be his biological father. //

Exactly ​​​​​​...you don't know. That's why she is the one you should contact...not her son.

[renegadefm]

Barsel, 

Hope you had a nice day out. 

I just had a thought, if I did go through with this and let's say I didn't turn out to be the biological father. And his mum has also kept the truth from him all these years, her son is going to suddenly want to know who his biological father really is.

But that could be an embarrassing situation for her as he did a runner, so she would be embarrassed to say who he is as it makes her look bad. 

The thing is she was young so could be forgiven for making rotten choices, or chose men that were not right for her, but maybe now she's settled down with a new family and looking back at her past as not such a great place, hence why she moved away. 

I maybe wrong with all that, because as far as I knew she is still single, but I'm not sure if that's true. She did go onto have more children, that much I do know, and she's even a gran herself now, so there's lots of people this will affect. 

My information about her is sparce, and I only get it from friends of mine that were or are in contact with her, but I never once mention anything about this as I know it would reach her, and so far I never wanted that. Well to be honest it's the recent viewing of these pics is what's stired me up. 

[renegadefm]

pastafreak, 

To be honest I wouldn't know where to start about contacting him behind his mother's back. I don't think he has Facebook as he didn't have a mutual account with his mums. 

[renegadefm]

Plus trying to contact him behind his mum's back isn't going to help anyone 

[Barsel]

Hi renegade, well, you could do as Pasta has said and contact your ex, but she might still say he's not your son, so you will be none the wiser.

Thanks for BA by the way.

If you can find out where your ex lives, perhaps you could write to her and tell her how this has been on your mind all these years.

Perhaps she might tell you if the lad had a father in his life.

How would you feel about writing to her?

[renegadefm]

Barsel, 

Thanks, and not sure at the moment how to track down her address, it's no where near where I live. My best hope would be to contact her on Facebook which is where I seen the pics. 

I didn't really want to involve friends as it can all quickly get messy. 

I suppose that scares me if she gets nasty and just doesn't want to tell me anything. 

Its worth pointing out that she actually knows where my parents live, because when we're together we went there once but I remember she was very uncomfortable about meeting my parents, never knew why. Maybe the first feeling of this is getting too heavy. Not sure. 

But my point is if she wanted to communicate with me she could track me down easier than I could her in terms of letters. 

I might just throw caution to the wind and send her a Facebook message in a minute, I need to think about what I say. 

 

 

[Barsel]

Yes, message her on Facebook. Keep it short and casual. 

If you don't ever get anywhere with her, you could always employ a private detective if you can afford it.

Let us know if you contact her and if she replies.

[renegadefm]

Barsel, 

Thanks, I will do it in a bit, feeling so nervous it's unreal. 

Incidentally how would a private detective do that? 

[Canary42]

I think you're making a mistake and it will only end in tears. But, as barsel has stated, that's just my opinion.

[Barsel]

As I've said before canary, we're all different. It would be a boring old world if we were all the same.

I really don't know how private detectives work, or even if they exist but maybe under another name.

Send her a private message to just say, Hi, how are you? Would love to hear from you when you get a chance. Or something along those lines. You never know, she might just tell you things you haven't asked about.