Am I Wrong To Be Very Irritated At This?

[RATTER15]

Working in Care Homes, especially in the field of Dementia I often find that families, usually sons and daughters don't visit their parents once the dementia progresses.

The reason I usually get is: that isn't my mum, that's isn't my Dad!! It really winds me up!!

I want to say: yes it bloody well is, you may not have any desire to visit them but how about the need they may have to see their daughter or son!

I know that some times they may not recognise their son or daughter but even if they don't it usually still registers that it is a familiar and close friendly person.

We have a lady only in her mid 60s, now very close to being in a vegetative state due to her dementia but we can still get a limited response from her. Her Son regularly comes to the home to bring things for his mother and pay the bills etc. but will never come into the home for fear of seeing his mother that he claims to love.

Of course I can accept it is very difficult but I really think that with help they could deal with it for the sake of their loved ones.

These people need their families now more than ever but they are frequently just shut away and never seen by their families again.

It really winds me up, am I wrong or should I be more understanding?

[anneasquith]

I wont be in this situation. and id never judge anyone who decides not to visit. but with an increasing aging population many more relatives are going to address this issue. the relative may not be as they were, but this is who they are now.

[RATTER15]

woofgang, I totally agree, so far I am fortunate enough never to have been in that situation.

[EcclesCake]

Remember your good fortune when you judge others who are less fortunate Ratter.

[RATTER15]

eccles, I don't think I have judged anybody here have I? I have simply aired an irritation, I didn't mean that to be judgemental, please accept my apologies for offending anybody.

[Graham-W]

How much frustration does it cause the patient when a son/daughter comes to see them and they don't know who they are? My MIL has Altzheimers and gets angry when a carer says, "Hello Margaret. Here's your Son in law with your Daughter, Gillian. Do you recognise them?"
Sometimes she does but sometimes she just gets angry because she knows she should know who we are, but just can't make the connection.
When it reaches the point when she never knows us should we keep going and possibly upsetting her or should we stay away?
I'm trying not to be mean, but it upsets both of us too when she gets angry.

[anneasquith]

in RATTERS defence, I don't think he was judging anyone. I do wonder if he feels saddened rather than irritated.

[Graham-W]

PS Ratter. I'm really glad to know there are people like you out there who truly do give a damn and do care about those in your care. I know it must be a really stressful job, but most fulfilling in it's way.

[RATTER15]

Anne, probably a combination of both to be honest, I never was good with words and I'm used to putting my foot in it.

[RATTER15]

Graham, //My MIL has Altzheimers and gets angry when a carer says, "Hello Margaret. Here's your Son in law with your Daughter, Gillian. Do you recognise them?"//

clearly a great failing by the staff that should know better!

I thank you for your comments, it is incredibly fulfilling, what I get from my work can never go into any pay packet or bank account.

[anneasquith]

if I may graham, ask staff not to say who you are, just sit beside her and have a chat. and if she says the sky is red agree with her, :)

[Graham-W]

Yes, Anne. I know it should be that way, but some of the staff just don't realise/haven't had the right training. We do ask then not to introduce us.

[nungate]

Ratter, I could use a bit of advice regarding dementia could you contact me on Queenofmean's throwaway?

[email protected]

[Old_Geezer]

Not everyone can cope with the same things. If one is not going to blame the person going senile for doing that, should you then blame the relative who can not cope with the reality for not coping ? Your life is less stressful if you can avoid getting irritated at the imperfections others have. But if you can not I shall not blame you and say you should deal with it for the sake of them.

[atalanta]

There can be yet another angle on this problem. And you can't say there is never an excuse for not visiting a demented relative. My father lost most of his wits when he was 95, and had to be found a care home. My brother and I were most reluctant to visit him, because he had been an absolute beast to us all our lives, and was still capable of violence. He might have looked frail, but could lash out quite nastily with his walking stick or crutches when you weren't looking. All our lives he had utterly alienated his offspring with spite, meanness, violence, and every kind of harshness. He never changed, even in his last years. So tell me, why is it unforgivable not to visit him ?

[EcclesCake]

A very good point Atalanta and one that I entirely agree with.

[RATTER15]

atalanta, you are quite right, under those circumstances I would not of visited him either.

[DSJ]

We visited my mother-in-law regularly. She was always thrilled to see us although she thought that my husband was her brother rather then her son. She had no idea who I was (we had been married for over 40 years at that time) but enjoyed our visits. It is definitely well worth making the effort to visit.

You are right, RATTER15.

[pusskin]

One of the last times i visited my grannie in a care home, she sat there and tried to eat the maltezer box once the sweets have gone. Bless her.
I just could not stay away but understand how hard it must be for people in different cirumstances. Very hard times.

[RATTER15]

nungate I have emailed you.

[ImLostAgain]

I can't say if it's right or wrong...who can. I do know that in my case I carry a heavy load of guilt. My mother passed away 18 months ago. I visited her twice a week, every week for heaven knows how long. Also I used to take her out once a week right up to the time I was advised that it would be better and safer if she was to stay in the care home, just in case.
Eventually there came a time when I was not sure if she reconised me or not. Of course she eventually did not but by then the choice was taken away from me. She suffered a massive stroke and left me soon after.
My guilt? Two-fold. I was well able to visit her more than twice a week but it saddened me so much to see her in that state (recognising me) that I found it agonising. I should have been stronger. Also, did I do enough, should I have done more? Of course I should. I miss her terribly.
So Ratter15 I cant say if your right or wrong. Just do what your doing and understand that people are different and handle things differently.