The Irish Lady's CV

sunny-dave | 16:09 Fri 14th Sep 2012 | ChatterBank

80 Answers

Born : Siobhan 'gness' O'Gorblimey - Nicker, Limerick 1957

Father : Dermot O'Logist - travelling ointment salesman

Mother : Iona Chemist - pharmacist

< Dermot was flogging his unguents around the West of Ireland when he met the bewitching Iona at the annual Nicker Fertility Ceilidh ... to the strains of The Nicker Elastic Band they plighted their troth with predictable consequences >

Education : Nicker National School

Limerick Vocational School - JCE in Woodwork, Ancient Greek and Irish Cultural Studies - these were awarded for a single piece of work - a hand carved leprechaun, which was wearing a toga and recited "There was a young woman from Bude..." when you pressed its navel.

Muff Diving Club - PADI certificate ( http://www.muffdivingclub.ie/ )

Siobhan had always been a bit accident prone - the incident with the wetsuit and the cucumber still makes at least one member of the MDC turn a very interesting 40 shades of green.

Married #1 : 1978 Peter 'plenty' O'Toole

Divorced #1 : 1979 - the first successful divorce in Ireland to cite the Trades Descriptions Act

Married #2 : 1989 Aristotle O'Taxis - owner of "Ari's Kebab and Taxi Shop", Granileg, Co. Kerry

Divorced #2 1990 - the arrival of four taxis, simultaneously, from all points of the compass at 80mph, 'taking out' the kebab factory is still spoken of with awe in Granileg - Siobhan was the 'despatcher' at the time ... Ari was not 'appy

Career Highlights :

Miss Rosebud of Kerry 1975 - subsequently disqualified when she advised the visiting English priest, who was chair of the judges panel, "me name is pronounced shove horn and take yer hand off me arse"

Miss Kettering 2012 (sponsored by AB interweb plc) - an unlikely winner (at approximately twice the age of all the other entrants), but the rumours that 'she knew where the gnomes were buried' have never been proved.

Current Status :

Gness has no visible means of support - indeed the mere suggestion of VPL has caused many strong men to wish they'd kept their opinions to themselves.

She cuts a swathe through the tradesmen of the East Midlands - many are called, but few are returned.

A shadowy alliance with the famous super model Evangeline Overall (known only as 'the left handed tassel twirlers') is rumoured to be part of a secretive underground network of sewing machine and mackerel traffickers, controlled by the mysterious 'mopedboy' - nothing has ever been proved ...

"The Curious Incident of the AA Man in the Night Time" ( http://www.theanswerb.../Question1153307.html ) is about to serialised on Radio 4 - when the producer has been retrieved from gness's loft ...

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