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In-laws make me want to end my relationship
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Please help, I know far worse things are happening in the world, but when you are stuck in the middle of certain situations sometimes you can not think clearly. To cut a long story short I live with my partner of three years, he is great, but he is extremely close to his family and they have had a problem with me since day one, it is making me so miserable. His mother and father are great, but he has 2 brothers, the eldest is married, he has done very well financially for himself and has the 2.4 children etc, etc, its not so much him, but his wife who has been really funny with me since the day I first met her, they remind me of the family from the Harry Enfield sketch show - "Loads of money", they do think they are quite special becuase they drive nice cars etc etc and tell you how much their designer clothes cost, but apart from that there topics of converstion are abit limited and they do not know how to behave. Things have got so bad now though because the younger brother who I have always got on with so well has met a girl (4 all of 3 months), she's ok, but one of these that has had a car, horse, everything brought for her and had a very easy life. You guessed it the wife of the married brother adores her, they go shopping together, horse riding together, and i'm the unsociable black sheep, the younger brother is unfortunately becoming more like the older brother as time goes on. Xmas was the last straw though, the older brother and wife brought the younger brother and new girlfriend a small terraced house so they can live together (when I moved in with my boyf, they caused quite alot of trouble for us)! The younger brother & girlf brought her the most beautiful diamond necklace, as for me I got a pair of asda pants from george. I love my partner, it does not bother him, but it is so intimidating for me at family gatherings, I feel like i'm at school being bullied! Please help, Sammie,x
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Hmmm, i am afraid there isnt much you can do Sammie. I have been in a similar situation to yours. I was seeing this extremely rich girl, and like you say, the conversations from her parents and family were dull. I got on with her younger brother and her dad ok, until 1 day, which i have no reason why. They just stopped chatting to me. Although, i had the feeling it had summat to do with her mum. My ex at the time wasnt bothered about the situation, but it really annoyed me inside, as i am a proud person. Every timee i went to their house, i would feel uncomfortable. But with my sinister mind, i just played them at their own game. I used to say how me and my ex were gonna move away as it was boring here now and how we were gonna try for kids and stuff. After a few weeks her mum started being nice to me. But, you do need to have a chat with your boyfriend and get him on your side. tell him how you feel and get his support. I know what its like to go somewhere, where your not wanted. If he has any decency about him, he wont put you in those situations...
Thank you so much for your advice, its good to know that your not the only one feeling these emotions. My partner thinks i'm the one being horrible though when I try to point out what is family are like and how we are left out of everything. I've come to the end of the road though, I refuse point blank to be involved in any of the family gatherings (apart from seeing his Mom & Dad), I know I cannot offer him an ultimatum, because despite the fact I know i'm his life, by me offering him the ultimatum would be grounds for him to leave. I just don't want it to come to the point where i'm going to explode because they will then have both won, but its coming ever closer!!!
Sammie, my parents HATE my hubby - to the point now that i will have to go and visit them without him. Its hard, but its the best way to stop bad feeling and arguments.
Let him now how you are feeling but tell him to see his family on his own - if he questions this, then tell him how uncomfortable they make u feel.
Good luck
Flower xx
Let him now how you are feeling but tell him to see his family on his own - if he questions this, then tell him how uncomfortable they make u feel.
Good luck
Flower xx
Thanks, your absoloutely right, I think that is the best thing for everyone, if he just goes on his own, I suggested that before and he got quite angry, saying he would stand by my side no matter what, but the point is he has not got to put up with it from my side, so how would he ever know unless he was put in that situation! What is wrong with everyone! I've never done anything to hurt or upset the two brothers partners but they seem dead set on making me miserable! Life is too short for all this!!! Happy New Year,x
Stop trying or wanting to be liked by them. If you find them dull and boring, then don't cultivate their friendship. Let them know by your actions (ie not actively seeking their company and actually looking bored when you're all three together etc etc) and if that means they think you're stuck up - let them get on with it. It's their loss
Do your own thing. Be different and take delight in it, and let them see that you can have a good quality life without all the material trappings they seem to need.
Do your own thing. Be different and take delight in it, and let them see that you can have a good quality life without all the material trappings they seem to need.
Delgirl, You sound lovely and normal, sod the rest of them,live your own life,snobs aren't worth worrying about,it is them with the problem not you, my in laws never thought I was good enough for there daughter,but we stuck at it and have been married 35 years, the other daughter has had loads of problems in her so called "idyllic" marriage and my wifes golden balls brother has two divorces and 3 kids by different partners but it is me they looked down on, I say stuff em, you should feel superior to them all they are is "fur coat and no knickers" people, ignore it and be happy with your partner, good luck, Ray.
Thanks to everyone for all of your comments, I feel so much better knowing that its not me, you start to question whether its yourself! Your all spot on though, what is it they say "money can not buy class". I think i'm going to start the New Year as I mean to go on, and try not to care, i'm the black sheep and its great, at least I do not get invited to anything which is quite cool really as I don't have to talk bulls--t for a night!
You GO GIRL !!!! You are not the one who needs to prove anything to anyone.. You are special, you are who you are and don't ever change for anyone. Your BF chose you for who you were 3 years ago and he's still with you because of who YOU are. You are in a relationship with him NOT his family. Both of you live your lives how you want to and s*d the rest. Enjoy the fact you haven't got to spend any time with them, you're better off without them and you don't need them. Good Luck and Best Wishes for 2007, both of you. MustangLady
There is a saying a fool and his money are soon parted, if elder brother lost his job or became ill a lot of the trappings of wealth could disappear. I wonder how much is on credit now?.
All 9 of the in laws in my husbands large family felt left out, there was always 2 or 3 of us who managed to gather in a different room and chat amongst ourselves, eventually someone, usually my husband, use to come looking for us, over the years [almost 40] he came to realize that his family were not the ones he wanted to be with, and even the sister he was very close to has become someone he hardly contacts.
Do keep in touch with his parents, you say they are friendly with you, they won't say anything but they may not like the elder brothers' wife and her show off ways. They are a different generation they may think designer clothes with their inflated price tags a waste of money, may believe that as long as the car goes it does't matter what make it is. They may worry about what would happen if the money ceased, they may have known people like your brothers in law in the past and have seen them loose everything.
Stay as you are, do still go to the family get togethers no matter how boring, just before one is due surf the net to find what styles or colours are in or the latest gossip, at least you will know what they are on about.
Try to keep friendly with younger brother his relationship may not last, and you may find something in common with his partner, ask just them round for a meal or go out for one, Chinese or Indian, not a posh resaurant. I am sure you will find something to talk about, forget her money, treat her like any other girl you know, you never know she might not really like the other in law.
if you need a new outfit go to Primark etc for the in colour
All 9 of the in laws in my husbands large family felt left out, there was always 2 or 3 of us who managed to gather in a different room and chat amongst ourselves, eventually someone, usually my husband, use to come looking for us, over the years [almost 40] he came to realize that his family were not the ones he wanted to be with, and even the sister he was very close to has become someone he hardly contacts.
Do keep in touch with his parents, you say they are friendly with you, they won't say anything but they may not like the elder brothers' wife and her show off ways. They are a different generation they may think designer clothes with their inflated price tags a waste of money, may believe that as long as the car goes it does't matter what make it is. They may worry about what would happen if the money ceased, they may have known people like your brothers in law in the past and have seen them loose everything.
Stay as you are, do still go to the family get togethers no matter how boring, just before one is due surf the net to find what styles or colours are in or the latest gossip, at least you will know what they are on about.
Try to keep friendly with younger brother his relationship may not last, and you may find something in common with his partner, ask just them round for a meal or go out for one, Chinese or Indian, not a posh resaurant. I am sure you will find something to talk about, forget her money, treat her like any other girl you know, you never know she might not really like the other in law.
if you need a new outfit go to Primark etc for the in colour
the problem with people like this is what makes them think they are special is actually just reflected glory - what they don't seem to realise that it is the actual watch, or the necklace, or the car etc , that people are admiring - not the person who owns it.
people may comment on their belongings - but thats not them, thats stuff.
they think it reflects on them and makes them the same value as the object - it really doesn't and in some circumstances it shows them up as pretty worthless hollow people.
my brother is like this and it is frustrating to watch the shrivelled prune he has for a heart, thinking its a juicy plum because it has 'frosting' on it.
for all future gifts - give them adoption certificates for endangered animals or children in poor countries etc - watch them fake their delight, as they have to pretend to feel great about it, but are actually peeved that they didn't get another bauble.
they obviously cannot complain
it will also make you feel good in more ways than one.
people may comment on their belongings - but thats not them, thats stuff.
they think it reflects on them and makes them the same value as the object - it really doesn't and in some circumstances it shows them up as pretty worthless hollow people.
my brother is like this and it is frustrating to watch the shrivelled prune he has for a heart, thinking its a juicy plum because it has 'frosting' on it.
for all future gifts - give them adoption certificates for endangered animals or children in poor countries etc - watch them fake their delight, as they have to pretend to feel great about it, but are actually peeved that they didn't get another bauble.
they obviously cannot complain
it will also make you feel good in more ways than one.
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, how sweet is that!!
James, it is hard being on the recieving end of being left out ESP when it involves your partners family. All you really want to do is be excepted so that you can feel part of something that our partner values sooo much.
Visit the family seperatly for a while and if anyboy askes where she is, tell them straight - that she is feeling really left out and devalued by the behaviour that is shown towards her. MAYBE they dont realise what they have been doing and change??
Good luck to the pair of you - you both sound sooo much in love with each other hat it would be a shame to let this get in between you both.
Flower xx
James, it is hard being on the recieving end of being left out ESP when it involves your partners family. All you really want to do is be excepted so that you can feel part of something that our partner values sooo much.
Visit the family seperatly for a while and if anyboy askes where she is, tell them straight - that she is feeling really left out and devalued by the behaviour that is shown towards her. MAYBE they dont realise what they have been doing and change??
Good luck to the pair of you - you both sound sooo much in love with each other hat it would be a shame to let this get in between you both.
Flower xx
Hi Flower, that was lovely of my other half (I did not think he would know who I was on this), I think he has finally realised this Christmas how low it makes me feel, we've had a long chat and I think your comment about leaving me behind and him telling them how left out I feel is a good one. Everyone has been so kind on here, I did not even know it existed unitl a few months ago, thanks again to everyone,xx
James sounds like a real sweetie. They are obviously cross that you have found the "real family treasure". Sammie, don't let them get you down honey, let them get on with it ... just do your own thing ... I would be polite in their company, but thats all they deserve. It 'll probably really unsettle them if you just don't get sucked into it all. Much love to you both. X
Why try to change to be liked by them , you chose each other coz you liked each other as you are! My inlaws are very like yours and after years of trying to be liked by them, I gave up, stuck to who I am, remained polite and told their offspring (who seemed either blind or unable help) rather than wait for help, I would deal with them. My partner was worried as to what I would do! But now, they see we are together as a strong pair and the tension has been reduced all round and theye don't try to interfere anymore either. Good luck,
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