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Urgent advice please friends
9 Answers
I have had the most horrendous evening. I was supposed to be going to a party with my new bf, we dont see each other often due to his work commitments,and we do feel alot for each other. I was so excited about seeing him again, then at 3pm yesterday afternoon (Friday) he sends a text to say he had been called to urgent business meeting in scotland ! He apologised. I felt so upset and let down, and all sorts of emotions went through me, i never answered his text til later, and i said that it was very comforting to know how high i featured on his agenda, i spent the evening sad, upset and alone, i never went to the party as i was too embarrassed as i had been bleating on to all my friends that they were finally going to meet this guy, and i felt so terribly isolated. We exchanged a few more texts to which one of them he said to me that it was all about me what i wanted, which is not true i know how hard he works and his commitments,i have spent the past few weeks worrying, caring about him, how he is, hoping he is getting plenty of rest etc etc and not once have i pressured him into coming to see me. he says he loves me = surely he cant love me to treat me like second best to his work = it cant be right can it? Please someone tell me if i am getting this wrong, i told him last night never to contact me again as he is playing around with my emotions, one minutes im ecstatic next deeply upset, and i havent eaten for days now because of this emotional turmoil im in. How do you show someone you love and care for them? I cant do right for doing wrong anymore.
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I feel so bad this morning, i miss him but i dont know where to begin to try and patch this mess up. In his texts he kept saying i was angry and he understood, but when i said for him never to contact me again he replied that its interesting to see how easy i give up. Why is he doing this to someone he says he loves?
Oh RQ honey, you first and foremost need to look after yourself.
If he's having this kind of effect on you and you feel that to break off contact would help you get yourself back on track then do it.
If it won't help then maybe arrange to meet him somewhere you can sit down and both talk about things, listen to each other's points of view and give yourselves a chance to really think about what each of you has said, ie not just your initial reaction.
Then, however hard it may be, you need to come to a decision about where you go from here so your relationship is not making you both miserable.
Maybe you agree to end it, carry on as you were, carry on with a compromise, carry on with a review so to speak in a month or so, whatever you both feel is right.
Love can be as awful as it is wonderful and feelings have little bearing on realistic compatabilities.
If you need me then give me a shout on msn xxx
If he's having this kind of effect on you and you feel that to break off contact would help you get yourself back on track then do it.
If it won't help then maybe arrange to meet him somewhere you can sit down and both talk about things, listen to each other's points of view and give yourselves a chance to really think about what each of you has said, ie not just your initial reaction.
Then, however hard it may be, you need to come to a decision about where you go from here so your relationship is not making you both miserable.
Maybe you agree to end it, carry on as you were, carry on with a compromise, carry on with a review so to speak in a month or so, whatever you both feel is right.
Love can be as awful as it is wonderful and feelings have little bearing on realistic compatabilities.
If you need me then give me a shout on msn xxx
Oh dear.This does seem to be very up and down doesn't it?
I can't see how this is ever going to work if you are getting so upset over things at such early stages. If my boyfriend cancelled a party due to a meeting he had to go to I would be very angry as well,but I wouldn't tell him to never contact me again! What on earth was he meant to say to his boss?? " Sorry I cant go to Scotland - im off out to a party "
He probably felt dreadful telling you and then you basically told him to sod off.
If you really really care for each other then you need to decide what you both want and understand each other a bit more. Its all about give and take.
Hope this doesn't come across as harsh,but only you can know if this is worth fighting for.
Big hug to you.xxx
I can't see how this is ever going to work if you are getting so upset over things at such early stages. If my boyfriend cancelled a party due to a meeting he had to go to I would be very angry as well,but I wouldn't tell him to never contact me again! What on earth was he meant to say to his boss?? " Sorry I cant go to Scotland - im off out to a party "
He probably felt dreadful telling you and then you basically told him to sod off.
If you really really care for each other then you need to decide what you both want and understand each other a bit more. Its all about give and take.
Hope this doesn't come across as harsh,but only you can know if this is worth fighting for.
Big hug to you.xxx
rough quest, so sorry you so very down, big hug! In all honesty though, I don't really think you should have expected him to tell his boss to stick his meetingfor the sake of a party. That's just unrealistic. His work is his livelihood. The best way to get rid of someone you feel strongly about is to put them under unnecessary pressure, which I know you say you haven't done. I fully understand that you felt disappointed about him having to work, but this is not his fault. I am really not trying to upset you, but I think you should apologise to him and tell him that you were overreacting, because you were missing him so much, and that you really didn't mean to break things off with him. To make any relationship work you need to be a bit more easy-going and not expect to always come first. Perhaps you DO come first in his mind, but he will be under a lot of pressure from his work and the last thing he needs is further pressure in his private life. He said that he understands you being angry and maybe he was just as angry about having to work as you. So why don't you bend a little and try to put yourself in his shoes. Would you jeopardise your job for a few hours with him when there will be many more times when you can be together. Try to get yourself in a positive mood again and then phone him. He obviously cares about you and you need to show him that you genuinely care about him. He was right to be surprised that you would not want to see him ever again because of such a fairly trivial matter. You ask "why he is doing this to someone he says he loves?" Well, I think he should be the one asking you this question. So, make it up to him and hopefully everything will slot into place again. I really hope it all works out for you and you feel a lot better very soon. xx :o)
Thank you for your replies. I did not expect him to turn around and tell his boss to stick it at all. But he knows he is under stress and pressure but there has to be a limit. I have seen him just twice in 9 weeks and I am already feeling guilty for even having feelings for him or even missing him, I have always put his work first. But he keeps giving me mixed signals here, only on thursday when he phoned me and we spoke for a while he said he had told his boss he needed to get home this weekend as his 'missus' (me lol) would not be too happy if he didnt get home this time. He knows he has a lot of changes ot make which will take time. He kept saying to me what we were going to do over the weekend etc, go out for a meal saturday night etc - then to send me a text (not phone me and tell me) a TEXT that was so clinical with no feeling behind it really hurt me deeply, I felt very unimportant and 2nd best and I dont think i can compete with his work anymore.
Thanks jenna, I wish I could meet him, but he is in Scotland, and trust me I would make the effort to go meet him, but he was in paris last week and I offered to take a plane and fly out to meet him there,but he never answered. He then went on one time to say that HE 'cant keep trying' to make this work.
im not been funny RQ but why the hell are u with this guy?he sounds like a right player and all your posts lately have been about him saying he is pi55ing u off.Look at it this way
-your not eating
-you dont like his job
-he tells u he loves u and wanted to marry u within a couple of weeks
-u ended up missing the party
-he's telling u u are selfish
-and uv seen him twice in 9 weeks
again why are u with him if you feel hurt now its only gonna get worse the longer u stay with him the next post i c from u RQ i hope its the one where u tell us u got rid just hope its sooner rather than later xx
-your not eating
-you dont like his job
-he tells u he loves u and wanted to marry u within a couple of weeks
-u ended up missing the party
-he's telling u u are selfish
-and uv seen him twice in 9 weeks
again why are u with him if you feel hurt now its only gonna get worse the longer u stay with him the next post i c from u RQ i hope its the one where u tell us u got rid just hope its sooner rather than later xx
I hate to say things which can't be helpful in some way - but in this case I feel you would be better off without this man RQ. I'm sure you feel a lot for him but it doesn't sound as if he is really bothered. He has no right to expect you to wait around for him like this. You have only seen him twice in 9 weeks?! What sort of relationship is that?! He's happy for you to put your life on hold, waiting for him to throw you a crumb every now and then to keep you hoping...And how can he say you give up easily?!! Rubbish! You've kept this going a lot longer than most of us would!
No matter how hard or pressured his work is, if he has someone in his life, then they need and deserve some of his time too. It seems as if he wasn't including you in his schedule at all! He must have had some time off and if he cared about your feelings at all, he could have made arrangements to spend some of that time with you. He seems very selfish, only thinking about himself and not considering your feelings at all. Move on, I'd say. You deserve better and he doesn't deserve such a considerate and selfless girlfriend as you were being. He didn't appreciate you, by the sound of it........And to cancel your party with a text!!!! He took the easy way out of that situation too, didn't he? Couldn't face telling you over the phone and maybe being made to realise how badly he'd treated you and disappointed you, so he took the cowards way out and sent a text, which has no immediate confrontation attached.... Sorry, but I think you're well out of it. Someone will come along who deserves you and treats you like the most special person in the world - that's the one to wait for. He's not the one.
No matter how hard or pressured his work is, if he has someone in his life, then they need and deserve some of his time too. It seems as if he wasn't including you in his schedule at all! He must have had some time off and if he cared about your feelings at all, he could have made arrangements to spend some of that time with you. He seems very selfish, only thinking about himself and not considering your feelings at all. Move on, I'd say. You deserve better and he doesn't deserve such a considerate and selfless girlfriend as you were being. He didn't appreciate you, by the sound of it........And to cancel your party with a text!!!! He took the easy way out of that situation too, didn't he? Couldn't face telling you over the phone and maybe being made to realise how badly he'd treated you and disappointed you, so he took the cowards way out and sent a text, which has no immediate confrontation attached.... Sorry, but I think you're well out of it. Someone will come along who deserves you and treats you like the most special person in the world - that's the one to wait for. He's not the one.
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