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Is It Just Me?

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nailit | 18:07 Sun 13th Jun 2021 | ChatterBank
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Went with my sister and niece today to sprinkle some of my mums ashes on to my dad's grave.
Felt no emotion whatsoever...as far as I was concerned we were just sprinkling dust on to a piece of grass. My sister and niece were a bit emotional though.
A bag of ash is not my mother and a piece of turf with a corpse under it is not my dad.

Think (and frequently dream) about my late mum often. I miss her terribly.
(not so much my dad now, he died 20 yrs ago but still miss him)
But just dont get this idea that my mum is now reunited with my dad because we scattered some ash on a piece of turf?
Just seems like a lot of hooey to me though I can understand that it gave my sister and niece a lot of comfort.

Feel a bit bad because I got more from today by feeding the squirrels in the cemetary.
Please tell me its not just me.
I just dont (can't) see a bag of ashes, or a corpse 6 feet under, as a loved one.





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A direct copy & paste from my will:
"I desire that my body be cremated without ceremony and that my ashes be disposed of, also without ceremony, in any convenient refuse receptacle."
Probably depends on your relationship with the deceased. I couldn't help a few (involuntary) tears at my Mum's funeral service but my sister cried at my Dad's funeral.
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Thats a bit near the knuckle Chris...
Any one else would have been suspended for that remark.
I used to visit a close friends grave & play Elvis for her (she left me the cd). Too scared to visit now due to mugging reports, OH's ashes are in garden & dont visit parents graves for above reasons. I intend to be cremated & ashes disposed anywhere as I dont like occupying land with graves.
Not just you. My parents and my husband's ashes were disposed of at the respective crematoria. I know that my grandmother has a grave somewhere on the outskirts of London. Just as they weren't their bodies, they aren't their ashes or their graves.
Nailit Chris doesn't need my defence but he is only expressing views similar to yours and mine.
I'd feel more for my cat than I would a family member passing. I think I'm a sycopath, I think that's the word, heartless I know.
If it gives your family comfort, Nailit, take quiet comfort in that. Personally I’m
with Chris.
>>> I'd feel more for my cat than I would a family member passing

Just like me then. I've had lots of family and friends die over the past half century or so and never shed a tear once. (That wasn't through 'holding it back' at all; I simply never felt like crying). When my beloved cat Biscuit was killed by a car last November, I cried all night long.
Good to know I'm not the only one, Buen.
When my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I cried daily but never shed a tear at his actual funeral. Cried shed loads since though.
You are perfectly normal. I lost my parents 38 years ago and 21 years ago and now their passing is not so important in my life. We move on from these happenings.
I don't feel any connection to my loved ones' final resting places or ashes, either.
Nailit - // Thats a bit near the knuckle Chris...
Any one else would have been suspended for that remark. //

That's not true.

Suspensions occur for frequent deliberate flouting of Site Rules.

Suspensions are as fair as possible - there are no 'favourites' contrary to the belief of a small minority who preach that nonsense regularly without evidence.

Chris's observation does not contravene Site Rules.
The interesting aspect of this thread is that it does show up the variety of views and opinions about the mourning process.

Some feel comfort from the symbolism and ritual of ashes and burial, some feel nothing, some feel nothing, but are coerced into action either by family pressure, or by social etiquette and a desire to be seen to do the 'right thing'.

But the result, as advised, is that ideally, we all cope with the loss of a loved one in a way that gives us comfort and allows us to assimilate the loss into our lives.
Buenchico's Will only asks for what is provided by these direct to crem companies that are advertising on tv every afternoon - waste disposal services my elderlies call them
Well you've certainly stirred up a lot of responses,Nailit. I am not a religious person but would treat a person's ashes with respect . I could not throw them in the rubbish bin .
It's certainly not just you. Much to my sister's disappointment I will never go with her to visit parents' or grandparent's graves. "They" are not in there, just a sad old husk. "They" are in my heart and always will be.
It's coming up for 4 years since Mr F died, and I do still have his ashes in the house. The only reason for that is both my sons want his and my ashes together somewhere, as yet to be decided. I did once tell them just to "fire my ashes of the top of a cliff, in the hopes of landing in my least liked aquaintances' picnic sandwiches", but that was more in jest than anything.
However, when we still lived on the Isle of Wight, I went occasionally to the Pet Cemetary where all my various siamese cats were interred.
Now how contrary is that Nailit?
I do have a tiny portion of Mr F's ashes in a pendant I wear.
My dad wants his ashes mixed together with my mum’s, and them made into a brick. I don’t quite see that happening. It’ll probably turn out to be a big old shapeless lump.

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