Lonely

[allenlondon]

My mum, wiser than I ever gave her credit for when she lived, used to say of one talkative elderly neighbour, “She’s probably just lonely.”

Mum lived alone at the time, my dad having died 15 years before, and me having long since moved out.

So her understanding of the neighbour’s life was probably based on her own.

I am so sorry for not recognising this when I could have done something for her.

I would guess that many on this site live alone.

Are you lonely? How do you cope with this depressing condition?

A

[MartinMillar]

My mil is lonely and it’s made her bitter and nasty so people avoid her so becomes lonelier and the circle goes round and round

[Mamyalynne]

My loneliness was worst in the early days of widowhood, after the funeral and all the paperwork was done and people told me how strong I was and then retreated a bit.

Then the aching chasm opened, eventually I began to grow back into me - the me who was happy with her own company.

Then I gradually opened up,made new friends and found love.

Nothing takes away the love and memories you once had but you can nurture new ones.

[emmie]

yes mamy you can, somehow though the boat has passed me by

[emmie]

or thats how it feels. I miss my family.

[allenlondon]

Mamya I am very glad for you.

So many widows and widowers - I wonder sometimes if loving is worth it, always ending in such pain.

But perhaps it doesn’t, for some.

You must excuse me - current lowness might just be temporary, but I have grave doubts.

[Mamyalynne]

You aren't in a good place now Allen and it's totally understandable that you feel that way - I would never try to convince you differently.

Life just happened to me, it wasn't a conscious move.

Pain and heartache is a side effect of loving.

[woofgang]

allen I totally get how you feel because I have been there. I don't have an answer for you, I wish I did. What i do know is that if there is a life after this one....and I cling to they almost belief that there is....then my husband would be FURIOUS with me if I committed suicide.
Is the pain of loss worth it? For me the pain of loss is totally worth it for all the happiness support and comfort I was able to give to my husband in all our years together.

[andy-hughes]

I believe one of the major problems for men, rather than women, is that men are unable to build genuine supporting relationships in the way that women do.

I am generalising, but women will confide in friends, trust them with confidences, turn to them when they need comfort support and advice over trivial things, so they are used to it, and easily do the same when things turn serious.

Men's relationships are generally more superficial, based on conversations about abstracts like sport or jokes, there is no real bonding there, so there is no actual real support when it comes to be needed.

A man won;t confide in his friends because his friends wouldn;t know what to do or say.

That I beleive is a large part of the issue facing lonely men.

[allenlondon]

Not sure whether the confiding in others makes any real difference to the devastation of loss. You’d need to ask the widows round here to see if the theory holds up.

[andy-hughes]

allen - // Not sure whether the confiding in others makes any real difference to the devastation of loss. You’d need to ask the widows round here to see if the theory holds up. //

Grief is a process that has to be gone through, sadly there are no short cuts.

But grief is different for everyone, and some people do derive support from talking about their feelings, and as I said, this usually applies to women, who have the experience of talking on that level already.

I don't need to ask the widows, I was a Samaritan volunteer for three years, I have done bereavement conversations many times.

[Old_Geezer]

When I was alone it didn't concern me. I'm happy with my own company. TV and radio probably helped. Complete silence isn't good all the time.

[burlyshirley]

I live alone (with Jill my little dog), but I'm not usually lonely, however I have been since lockdown and all the changes forced on us. I have missed seeing my friends and my brother and been quite down at times. I'm no spring chicken and it's made me realist that being on your own as you get older is no picnic, so I now worry more about the future. I get feelings of panic now which I never used to get. I know when Mum and Dad got old, Dad used to say there is no point in living without your partner and as it happened they died within 14 months of each other. I'm just glad I'm meeting up with my brother later this week.

[Old_Geezer]

Plus the Internet helps. And I do a fair bit of thinking out loud too, so I never want for intelligent conversation.

[Barsel]

It depends on the person and their circumstances. I should imagine if you were lucky enough to find someone you truly loved and then that person wasn't there anymore, then I should imagine you would feel very lonely. I chose to live alone after 30+ years of marriage and although it was difficult at first, I now prefer to live alone and have no plans to share my life with someone else.I'm fortunate enough to have family and friends who I can't see at the moment due to Covid restrictions apart from those in my bubble, but I always seem to find something to occupy myself and try not to give loneliness a second thought.

[allenlondon]

Barsel. I fear your painful experience just underlines what I've been trying to say.

The benefits of a long-term loving relationship are great, but living alone, with no-one to worry about, has distinct advantages.

(Just as an aside, Andy: listen to yourself sometimes, pal. "I don't need to ask the widows, I was a Samaritan volunteer for three years, I have done bereavement conversations many times." Hardly a good attitude on a site such as this, with questions such as these. None of us know everything, Andy. I don't. Are you sure you do?)

A

[andy-hughes]

allen - // (Just as an aside, Andy: listen to yourself sometimes, pal. "I don't need to ask the widows, I was a Samaritan volunteer for three years, I have done bereavement conversations many times." Hardly a good attitude on a site such as this, with questions such as these. None of us know everything, Andy. I don't. Are you sure you do?) //

As usual, you can turn any thread into a nasty attack on me individually, for your own perverse amusement.

I have never claimed to 'know everything' - I simply have more experience than some people in some areas - and that applies to everyone on here.

You are getting good advice from people who understand and empathise with your situation - including me - why not concentrate on that, and dial down your need to have a go at me every time I post something.

[pastafreak]

I'm in a similar position to Barsel. My marriage ended 15 years ago, I then had a short relationship living with someone who truly made me feel loved and who I hoped to share a good few years with...but sadly,that wasn't to be. That left me feeling let down...something that had happened several times over the years with friends.
I've always found it difficult to find people to feel a connection with and to trust, so being on my own has been easier. But, lonely. I wish I was more sociable, but I'm just not. Lockdown has made things worse, and I can have days when I don't exchange pleasantries with anyone...and sometimes don't even want to. I don't envy me. I do envy those who have experienced lasting love...even with the pain of loss. I guess that's the trade off.

[allenlondon]

Oh Andy, I really do think you need help. "you can turn any thread into a nasty attack on me" -

What I wrote was a very gentle question as to whether or not your saying that you 'don't need to ask the widows' was very helpful.

You DO need to ask, you (or rather we all) ALWAYS need to ask.

None of us knows it all, Andy.

Like many others, I come on here for a discussion, a kicking-about of ideas on a topic. What woofgang has said interests me; what Barsel has written upsets, but also interests me. It adds to my knowledge of this.

Being told that you know it all does not interest me.

And this is NOT a personal attack on you for my perverse amusement. It is a wholly genuine attempt to talk to a fellow human being about fellow human feelings.

Ah well.

A

[woofgang]

Andy this is not any attempt to insult you or join in any argument....but your experience might be described as skewed research....the people you spoke to as a samaritan wanted to talk. Their experience and your experience of them may not be typical of the more general experience of the bereaved. personally I am not a talker or a confider and systems set up to support talkers and confiders will never capture my experience or the experience of the (many I am sure) women like me.

Short story. I used to work in the NHS in elderly care. I went to a workshop day many years ago about support for older people who can't cope at home alone. It began with a "setting the scene" talk. The speaker asked us what percentage of the older population needed any kind of long term support either at home or in residential care....long term defined as over 12 months....we guessed 30%....40%.....25% The answer? 6%! because we didn't meet the people who didn't need us!...same with samaritans....yes your experience of the people who contact you is valid but can't be generalised to the wider population because you don't "meet" them because they don't want you.....so yes you do have to ask the widows and widowers....all of them...to get a valid picture.

[woofgang]

I can't find the clip but on Will and Grace, there was an episode when Rosario, Karen's maid dies. Karen is very distant at the funeral and is finally found in the bar. She says "People keep saying to me "Karen what can I do? What do you need?" Well I need Rosario not to be dead"

I have never seen it put better.