Domestic Violence

[eve1974]

A friend confided in me yday that husb has been hitting her and that the mental abuse has been going on for many years (almost since the start)

She says she doesn’t tell
People (I’m the only one) as she doesn’t want to be “that woman that complains yet still stays with the man”

She knows she must leave (for the sake of her 2yo) but says she feels she cannot atm (various valid reasons).

How do I help her?

I’ve never been in this situation before and I really want be there for her in a emotional as well as practical way ....,

I want to help her get away but I also want to respect her current choices to stay for now

[emmie]

staying for now is a recipe for disaster, if he's been hitting her she must seek refuge elsewhere. What if he starts on the 2yr old.

[emmie]

if she is financially dependent on him that is a major problem, can she not seek out women's refuge there are ones out there im sure would help.

[emmie]

is she based in a town, city?

[waterboatman]

The police and/or Social Services can help her. The are very good with such cases.
There is never any excuse for domestic violence. It's never acceptable.

[emmie]

no it's not, social services can help.

[emmie]

does she have relatives, those she could confide in.

[eve1974]

She has relatives. They will deffo be supportive. She does not want them to know (yet) and I will not betray her confidence.

I agree there’s never an excuse. I agree she must leave. However ... she is not ready to (she has her reasons). If I force the issue she will clam up even more (she’s been carrying this secret a long time and so it took a lot of courage to tell me and if I break her confidence she will clam up entirely and then is more at risk I believe).

Yes she is very concerned about her 2yo ... that is what’s giving her the courage to tell me. She is not so much worries as if he will hit the child but what the child is witness to.

[emmie]

going on experience those who hit their spouse often take it out on the child too.

[lady-janine]

Please, please, please. She must leave this situation immediately.
She can get support and that is good but, apart from fear, I can think of no reason why she should want to stay.
She must leave now as it will get more and more difficult as time goes on.
Please persuade her to leave now.

[rowanwitch]

Collect addresses for her, let her use your home as a contact point, if she wants to set up an escape fund could she use your address for paperwork.
set up a code between you so if she feels in danger she can phone you, no suspicion that way and you call police. maybe asking if you have a book she can borrow or did the little one leave a toy at your place.
Just be consistent in telling her finances are no use it be kills her then what will happen to her child.

And most important Don't let her other half know you think differently about him, if he guesses she has told you it will just prompt another attack and if he feels threatened he may force a move away.

[iluvmargie]

Agree with 09:07 wholeheartedly. She NEEDS to get away ASAP.

[eve1974]

I totally agree she must get away. However ... only she can make that choice.


And she knows she must leave but feels she cannot yet. I believe she will
Find the strength but want people to realise this has been a slow process.... the mental abuse started long before the physical and that’s what makes it hard to find the courage

Rowan that was excellent practical advice -

starting today I’m going to start to try to help her find a job (closer to us and far away from him).

She lives very rural so that us a danger in itself (the house comes as part of her husbands job which complicate things )

I admit yday I broke lockdown rules and drove to see her ....(I live 1.5 hr away)I believe this was an extenuating circumstance!

[tinkerbell23]

..... and well done you for being so approachable!

I dont have anything to add I think Rowans answer is fab!

Especially keeping a wee secret money fund somewhere to help -xx

[rowanwitch]

The rural location complicates things. It's much easier for her abuser to keep her isolated. I though you might be nearer. Another thing she needs to do is get her injuries recorded so if no one else she needs to tell her GP. if she cracks and hurts him one day, it has been known, she will need evidence of on going abuse

[Peter Pedant]

// maybe asking if you have a book she can borrow or did the little one leave a toy at your place.//
works well
someone wd phone a friend to find out if Sammy's temp had come down.
Sammy didnt exist it meant come around now, and drop everything: my boss's trousers are around his ankles !

The boss - - - recently got an obit in the times

( yes I know sex monsters but you can be sure they come from the very ay-est social classes)