Daughter Informed Me Today That Her Husband Has Said He Wants To Split

[jourdain2]

My younger daughter R has, I know, struggled with her marriage for some time. He, another R so I'll call him RT has always had relationship problems and recently even accepted that he needed counselling. His dad committed suicide, his mum is a decidedly difficult and aloof, controlling person and I find her distinctly odd (she never liked my daughter)but wealthy.

R rang me today to say that RT said he blamed himself sand had struggled but felt they needed to split. Then went on to blame her for lack of support. I know she has sincerely tried for years - she married him because he felt insecure. Huge mortgage, he earns £60K +, she is a teaching assistant and is on about £14K (high stress job dealing with autistic children). However, there are 2 children - boy of 9 and girl of 7. Boy has been more than difficult for some time, resulting in admission to child health unit.


He has told daughter that because he paid most of deposit for house (his mum gave it to them)it remains his house, not hers and he refuses to move out. Since he's been either away on business for over the last year or sleeping at his mum's (the kids didn't notice he'd gone last night because they are so used to his absences) I can't see why he is staying. Can she chuck him out? They had been married for some years when house bought in joint names.

I'm not up-to-date with modern divorce law. Daughter thinks she'll be in penury, I'm sure he'll have to house and support his children and the only reason that she couldn't train as a full teacher was because he was away so much that she had to be there for the kids, so presumably he'll have to support her as well.

Trying to find her a decent divorce lawyer, Tadcaster/Leeds/York area if anyone knows of one. She's in shock at the moment. I could do with a brief run-down of current law. She wants to keep it friendly because of the kids - but it is Hell for her having him in the same house. Deep thanks for any advice.

[jourdain2]

Thanks PP. Other daughter and I have got details of a good family law solicitor in Leeds & will get them to her. They are 'talking' today - I've texted to tell her not to sign anything as don't trust him under his mum's'guardianship'.

[LadyCG]

Oh Jourdain, I am so sorry to hear this. He sounds selfish and immature.

Your daughter needs to put emotion to one side and try and get the best settlement - including the house - for the sake of the children. He's got no damn right expecting her to move out.

[maggiebee]

So sorry that you find yourself in this position jourdain. Wish I could offer some advice, but Scottish law is so different from English law that I wouldn't even know where to start. However, I believe the welfare of children are paramount no matter where you are. Your daughter needs to get expert advice. Stay strong for your daughter and her family, she needs you.

[jourdain2]

NoM (I've followed the other post) thank you. They have a holiday to France planned in a week - (camping and going to Disneyland and Parc Asterix; kids are ecstatic) he has finally agreed to go, but wants to tell the children 1st! I ask you!

This is the same family where the little boy had such high levels of cortisol. Other daughter and I are swinging into action - but Mr J2 and I have a recently bereaved friend coming tomorrow - he's failing to cope at the moment and needs a bit of buoying-up - so I can't get over to R until Tues. By then we should have got an apptmt. with a solicitor & I've texted her on no account to sign anything or tell the kids - let them have their fun.

[jourdain2]

Thankyou maggiebee. I will be strong & she knows that MrJ2 and I are behind her, whatever she needs, and her father (lives down south) and his wife are also on board. We're taking the dog for a while and her sister has sorted a cattery for the cats for the hols. (R has not really been coping for a week or 2, too much to do.)

[jourdain2]

Hello again. Just thought that those of you kind enough to take an interest might like an update. The holiday was a nightmare so far as daughter was concerned - I think she hoped it would re-establish the connection between them and make him realise the value of family. It didn't.


2 days ago she found proof of an affaire - hotel receipt for a hotel in York when he had told her he was away on business in Felixtowe. Also a Tesco receipt for the same date detailing prosecco, wine, very nice nibbles - and condoms! She told him she knew, but not how, and is going to challenge him tonight.

At least it has helped to make her angry and make up her mind to go for a divorce. The solicitor had already told her that she had grounds on the basis of unreasonable behaviour. So now we have that, plus separation (even if in the same house), plus adultery. All he has to do this evening is thump her (I hope and pray he doesn't and am really concerned for her, please cross your fingers, folks) and we'll have a full house! Financial situation is looking up as she doesn't even earn enough to pay tax, so should get help.

Yours truly is now going to have to go with daughter and kids to Alton Towers on Bank Holiday. Definite Yikes! NOT my thing, but there you go. Life chucks manure at you and you just have to keep going. Could do without the pulled ligament in my foot though. :)

[rowanwitch]

What a mess, all you can do is support her as much as you can. Hope her solicitor as my solicitor suggested, doesn't just go for his nuts but also the bag he keeps them in.

[jennyjoan]

hope all goes well for you Jourdain - it never rains but it pours.

[Peter Pedant]

dear dear
but at least you know where you are ( she is )

[jourdain2]

Thanks guys - you've no idea how this site can help at times. (Or maybe you have :) )

[ladybirder]

Jourdain thank you for the update. I wish everyone would do the same.
They are always our children aren't they:-)

[DTCwordfan]

well lets hope your solicitor delivers....first thing is kick him out of the house and also get a restraining and limiation order....he has rights to see the kids though by the way....

[DTCwordfan]

https://www.stowefamilylaw.co.uk/ppc/divorce-guides/?mh_matchtype=b&mh_keyword=%2Bdivorce%20%2Bprocess&mh_adgroupid=55795977096&gclid=CjwKCAjwh9_bBRA_EiwApObaOIJtoxSohAcC7wlsAdCtppcz0dMBK7oyLsL7iqztqkWJ4Qo0dmAnNBoCOwsQAvD_BwE

[jourdain2]

I'm almost in tears actually. Thank you all so much. It got worse yesterday. Seems he went on an internet site or women offering casual sex and this one is a regular, who does it for a swish hotel and spoiling with champers. This came out after a very unpleasant interlude last night between daughter and the man I can now only think of as a piece of s***. Even I feel tainted. Daughter now has to book a medical (he says this began 4 months ago) to ensure she does not have an STD This is a serious nightmare and has sent me off-balance That is why they have been short of money - it's cost him at least £200 per time and we found receipts for 2 nights running! It is a nightmare world with which I am really struggling to cope. Must go to bed. We were a respectable family..... sorry, need to cry 'night all.

[Mamyalynne]

It tears you apart I know, you will get through this.

Good night x

[marval]

I am so sorry to hear this Jordain, I hope your daughter can get it sorted. The things he has done must count against him. I wish you all well, with a happy outcome.

[jennyjoan]

when you get rid of him - it will be well worth it. There is a light at the rainbow. x

[DTCwordfan]

Your family isn't tainted, he is. However, getting the STD test is essential and your daughter will find the doctor's nursing staff more than sympathetic if she gives them a hint of why - without going into the gory details.

And he's weakened his case.....Jourdain, your role is to help take as much emotion off the table with your daughter and help steer her through (in help with the lawyer). You can have a burn-out about it to someone like your OH or on here where things are more impersonal......

[jourdain2]

Thank you all again. It's only on here or with Mr. J2 that I feel weak and weepy - it's been a terrible shock.

You are right about my role DTC and I am getting on with it. As a Teaching Assistant with experience she could get a bursary for 2 years to train to be a teacher. She wants to teach maths with French as a subsidiary and has been working in both these depts. for 3 years. All she sees at the moment are the problems, but thank goodness she is now angry and scornful of him.

Again, thank you - all you lovely people - so very much.