Holy Bread.

[wildwood]

Is the communion wine and wafer not a bit macabre, seeing what it stands for?

[RATTER15]

Drinking real blood and eating real human flesh, nothing strange in that!!

Well, thats apparently what they believe, its no just representational!

[WaldoMcFroog]

Hello. It's me. Simon Quinlank, the Very Reverend Archbishop of Hobby with another hobby for you to do. The Lord God's hobby was to create the world and the universe and all that is in 6 days. And then on Sunday he rested from his hobby. But I Simon Quinlank am better than God. As I have a hobby for every day of the week. This week I have a good hobby for people who, like the unimaginative Lord of creation, can't think of a hobby to do on a Sunday.
What you will need for this hobby.
Some running shoes.
A watch by which to tell the time.
A flask of weak lemon drink.
And a chart detailing the times of all Christian church services in your area.
This hobby is a good hobby if you like running, drinking alcohol and eating very small pieces of unleavened bread.
This hobby is called 'Christian Church Crawling.'
How to do the hobby.
On Sunday morning wake early and put on your running shoes and other clothes as well. Check your Christian Church service chart and see which local Christian Church's Christian church service begins first. My first Christian Church service today is at St Simons at 6.30am. Run to the first Christian Church service as fast as possible.
When you become adept at Christian Church crawling and plan your day carefully you will find you can time it so you arrive at each Christian Church at the exact time the communion part of the service starts and so you don't have to sit around listening to all the boring hymns and the vicars' stretched analogies.
Sometimes the wine tastes cheap and horrible. If so you can drink your weak lemon drink to rid your palate of the unpleasant taste or save it for later in case you get a particularly dry piece of unleavened bread. Some vicars don't like you drinking weak lemon drink in church so they think it makes a travesty of the eucharist, so drink it surreptitiously.
On my best church crawl I attended 37 communions and ran a total of 43 miles.
Note how many churches you have visited and how many miles you ran on the Christian Church Crawl you took this week and see if you can beat your best score next Sunday.
This hobby is a good hobby as it is a good way to get exercise and to get drunk for free. And to eat some free bread as well. Plus, if you only go to Catholic Christian Churches then they believe in the doctrine of Transubstantiation, whereby the bread and wine literally become the body and blood of Jesus. So far, taking Jesus to be the size of an average Nazarene man I have eaten seven whole Jesuses plus one of Jesus's legs. This is more whole Jesuses than anyone has ever eaten. Neil Petark says he has eaten 12 Jesuses but he includes bread and wine he consumed at Protestant churches and the Protestants do not believe in Transubstantiation so he is wrong and I am still the Jesus eating King. Neil Petark has really only eaten 4 Jesuses which is rubbish.
N.B. I believe that Jesuses body should be measured by volume rather than weight as Transubstantiation probably means that the bread alters at a sub atomic level when it becomes Jesus's body in your mouth. i.e. Jesus's thigh bone is equal to the equivalent sized piece of unleavened bread, namely about 700 pieces of bread stuck together in a thigh bone shape.
N.B. 1 Jesus's blood = 180 fl. ozs.
1 communion wine sip = 1/2 fl. oz.
360 communion wine sips = 1 Jesus's blood.
1 Jesus's bones etc. = 4000 pieces of bread.
N.B. YOU MUST TRY TO EAT 9 OR 10 PIECES OF BREAD FOR EACH SIP OF WINE.
Now go forth and do your hobbies, do it in the name of me for I am the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost of all that is hobby. Worship me. Worship me now and worship me forever!

[DaisyNonna]

Is tis supposed to be amusing? No.

[LazyGun]

^^ LoL and v.v.good :)

I love that line about eating 7.5 jesuses :)

[Mamyalynne]

Bit sad Daisy isn't it, maybe the joke section is full ??


Mamya ( A Catholic with a forgiving nature)

[DaisyNonna]

Not sure what I am Mamya but find this distressing.

[LazyGun]

Ahh. Ann Widdecombe seems to have a similar problem - thinks talking about the bread and wine is sacreligious- blasphemous even.

Here- enjoy!

[Mamyalynne]

Oh no, don't think that way at all - I never ridicule anyone's religious beliefs.

[vodkancoke]

Me neither Mamya.

Voddy (another Catholic with a forgiving nature!) x

[EDDIE51]

Only the Catholics actually believe in Transubstantiation, for the rest it is purely symbolic
http://carm.org/transubstantiation

[ludwig]

I thought forgiveness was a mandatory part of it.

[LazyGun]

@Voddy and Mama - You guys are much nicer than me then. I believe all ideas and beliefs are open to question, criticism and mockery.

[Clanad]

Wooly Wally's post could have a tinge of humor in it if it was an originally constructed attempted post...but it wasn't... Cut and pasted from here:

http://www.ilxor.com/ILX/ThreadSelectedControllerServlet?boardid=40&threadid=52250

Or here...

https://www.dogsonacid.com/showthread.php?t=222245&page=2

The original was posted on Sunday, February 2 2007! So it's not only copied but it's terribly stale...

Least he could have done was to give an attribution, since, on a lot of other threads he leads the charge against others who are guilty of presenting ohers work as their own... Yawn...

[douglas9401]

They don't even come close to the crucifix with fleshy adornment that adorns so many establishments.
The whole thing's a ghost story to keep the peasants from way back in line and for a select few to profit from.

[WaldoMcFroog]

Oh get a life, Clanad, you tedious twonk. It was a pretty well known TV sketch in this country, and I expected people would recognise it.

In any case, even if they didn't, it's still utterly unlike the creationist quote mines of legitimate scientist you regularly post on here since I am not misrepresenting the original source, unlike you, who is guilty on multiple counts.

I notice you failed to respond to my last point about the historicity of Christ, but I have every confidence this is nothing to do with you being unable to bluster your way out of completely misunderstanding the point made, and you simply forgot.

[Clanad]

Goose... gander... kettle, pot, black... Yawn...

[LazyGun]

Were you trying for a pun when you made the "stale" comment, Clanad?

And what constitutes being funny or not is entirely subjective...

[Clanad]

Could of been, JG... at any rate, it was an attempt to mine the fabeled Brits sense of humor which, I thought, is supposed to contain a large dollop of irony... sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear... well...

[WaldoMcFroog]

Your attempt at humour appears to have been about as successful as Microsoft's attempt to regain ground with Windows 8.

[FredPuli43]

Ah, Clanad, but British humour in speech is an art. Like speaking a language, you can only hope to be perfectly understood by natives if you are born and brought up ['raised' ] surrounded by it, and immersed in it, yourself.