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Husband Doesn't Know Whether to Leave, All Very Confusing ...
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I'll try and keep this short so I dont run out of space but feel free to ask questions.
I've been with my husband for 22 years (nearly) who I love very much and vice versa. We've had bad arguments on and off for a year and a half (with a very happy 5 or 6 months in between). All to do with another woman being over friendly, texting all the time and sending flirty texts (he knows now he should have put a stop to it sooner but at the time didnt see anything wrong coz as far as he was concerned, it meant nothing to him). It changed me and it changed him and I've kept some of the bad traits from all that - suspicious, questioning, tone of voice etc.
I've always thought everything was fine, we always seemed to bounce back but apparently he's been unhappy for a long time (coz of all the arguments). Brought to a head after xmas when he went very quiet on me. I was started all the conversations and being bright and bubbly, struggled to get anything back. He had a day off and went off to think. Came back and said he was so unhappy, couldnt see any way forward but to possibly split up.
This was a bolt out of the blue for me. I was devastated. He was shocked this had never crossed my mind before. He said he needed to think. He talked to a few people and actually said he wasnt going anywhere and would "try" while he was thinking. Seemed to be okay on and off but obviously I was really upset and kept talking to/at him, trying to convince him to stay.
Hold on, more to come ...
I've been with my husband for 22 years (nearly) who I love very much and vice versa. We've had bad arguments on and off for a year and a half (with a very happy 5 or 6 months in between). All to do with another woman being over friendly, texting all the time and sending flirty texts (he knows now he should have put a stop to it sooner but at the time didnt see anything wrong coz as far as he was concerned, it meant nothing to him). It changed me and it changed him and I've kept some of the bad traits from all that - suspicious, questioning, tone of voice etc.
I've always thought everything was fine, we always seemed to bounce back but apparently he's been unhappy for a long time (coz of all the arguments). Brought to a head after xmas when he went very quiet on me. I was started all the conversations and being bright and bubbly, struggled to get anything back. He had a day off and went off to think. Came back and said he was so unhappy, couldnt see any way forward but to possibly split up.
This was a bolt out of the blue for me. I was devastated. He was shocked this had never crossed my mind before. He said he needed to think. He talked to a few people and actually said he wasnt going anywhere and would "try" while he was thinking. Seemed to be okay on and off but obviously I was really upset and kept talking to/at him, trying to convince him to stay.
Hold on, more to come ...
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He decides he needs some space. Am upset and have a go at him. Next day I calm down and decide to say I understand. But I have a few questions ... and one of those questions is "are you so confused coz you have feelings for someone else". He says yes, possibly. I know who this person is (and she knows me making her incredibly 2 faced). She's been pally with him for a while and I was always uneasy but thought I was being over the top. Its only since he told me about possibly leaving that that he says theyve talked and said they had "feelings" for each other.
He hasnt been out with her or anything. They have kissed (a peck). This is all killing me totally.
He's now staying with his mam and I'm trying to give him space while dying quietly inside because I cant cope. I know I need to show I'm coping and am independent etc but its so hard. I want him to see how much hes hurting me and how ill I am with all this. He does know what its doing to me actually and says it kills him to see me so upset. But he needs to think.
I want to save the marriage but am terrified - especially with her on the scene. I just dont know what to do or where to turn.
I know I have to wait and I know in myself that I wouldnt be like I used to be if he stayed. In fact a hell of a lot of changes would be made - already thought about this. Shame I didnt see it sooner which I'm berating myself over.
Probably a lot I've missed out here but some of you may remember previous posts so you might remember the whole story.
I KNOW nothing has "gone on" between them yet but the fact that he "feels" for someone else is so horrible, I never thought that would ever happen, he's not that type of bloke I swear. She's obviously been there being all nice and uber friendly while I've been ranting at him. And obviously that hasnt helped.
Has anyone gone through this (sill
He hasnt been out with her or anything. They have kissed (a peck). This is all killing me totally.
He's now staying with his mam and I'm trying to give him space while dying quietly inside because I cant cope. I know I need to show I'm coping and am independent etc but its so hard. I want him to see how much hes hurting me and how ill I am with all this. He does know what its doing to me actually and says it kills him to see me so upset. But he needs to think.
I want to save the marriage but am terrified - especially with her on the scene. I just dont know what to do or where to turn.
I know I have to wait and I know in myself that I wouldnt be like I used to be if he stayed. In fact a hell of a lot of changes would be made - already thought about this. Shame I didnt see it sooner which I'm berating myself over.
Probably a lot I've missed out here but some of you may remember previous posts so you might remember the whole story.
I KNOW nothing has "gone on" between them yet but the fact that he "feels" for someone else is so horrible, I never thought that would ever happen, he's not that type of bloke I swear. She's obviously been there being all nice and uber friendly while I've been ranting at him. And obviously that hasnt helped.
Has anyone gone through this (sill
Why did you believe him when he dimissed the other woman's texts. That is saying that the other woman was sending texts like that randomly and deluded, which most women aren;t, she would have been sending them because it was part of their relationship. Sorry but even without knwoing him or you or her I am prepared to say he is a cheat and a liar and he should stay with his mum.
Your relationship is at a difficult stage, and it's difficult for either of you to think clearly, or see what needs to be done to explore the future.
I strongly suggest that you contact Relate and see if some independent counselling will help both of you.
Without knowing both you of you, it's very hard to offer sensible advice, so I think some professional detached input will help you both. in the mean time, wer are certainly here for support, do keep in touch.
I strongly suggest that you contact Relate and see if some independent counselling will help both of you.
Without knowing both you of you, it's very hard to offer sensible advice, so I think some professional detached input will help you both. in the mean time, wer are certainly here for support, do keep in touch.
I'm sorry to say but I think it does sound like he has been very unfair. He hasn't been honest with you about this woman for a while. (I recall your previous post).
You've acknowledged things you need to do to get through this whatever the outcome. I would back strongly what andy has said about counselling, and that there is plenty of support here.
You've acknowledged things you need to do to get through this whatever the outcome. I would back strongly what andy has said about counselling, and that there is plenty of support here.
Dotty - I know exactly what were on the texts at the time coz I was looking at his phone. Originally they were just chatty (she worked with him by the way) but then some were just a bit over friendly. His were on the level. None deleted by the way, could follow all their conversations. I know he did wrong with that, he admits it too.
But definitely not a "cheat" in the common sense - literally would not have had a chance or time due to where he works and me being with him all the other time. Hand on heart I can say that.
But thats where the problems started.
But definitely not a "cheat" in the common sense - literally would not have had a chance or time due to where he works and me being with him all the other time. Hand on heart I can say that.
But thats where the problems started.
Agree that Relate could help you and him, it's not just for couples so you could see them alone.
I think you need to make a decision about what you want and not leave everything down to him as that leaves you hanging. You say that if he did come back then a lot of things would have to change which would include you because at some point you would have to put all this hurt and upset in the past and trust him again, trusting someone again is very difficult and will require a lot of work. You must think about how hard you are planning to work on that becasue if you do get back together, it will not just be him that has to try hard at the relationship. Only you can know how hard you are prepared to try.
I think you need to make a decision about what you want and not leave everything down to him as that leaves you hanging. You say that if he did come back then a lot of things would have to change which would include you because at some point you would have to put all this hurt and upset in the past and trust him again, trusting someone again is very difficult and will require a lot of work. You must think about how hard you are planning to work on that becasue if you do get back together, it will not just be him that has to try hard at the relationship. Only you can know how hard you are prepared to try.
Is this a different woman to the original one that was texting him, etc.? If so, you may well be right that she has been someone who has supported him whilst you two are going through a difficult time. It is so easy to develop feelings for someone who listens to you when times are hard.
If it is the same woman, then that to me would indicate that perhaps there is more of a problem.
I agree with Andy. You both need some help with an intermediary. I don't think all is lost if this is not the same lady.
If it is the same woman, then that to me would indicate that perhaps there is more of a problem.
I agree with Andy. You both need some help with an intermediary. I don't think all is lost if this is not the same lady.
Andy - I went to Relate straight away. He's of the opinion that how could someone who doesn't know him help, when he doesnt even know his own mind! He's very deep and complicated by the way (seriously!). I said what they did and its exactly that point - its someone independent who has no judgements about either of us etc. But he wouldn't have it.
I've been going anyway (twice so far) and feel quite relaxed afterwards. Although the last time I went I was still talking about what to do to save our marriage. Then this bombshell comes out about the "other woman" and has made it all the worse.
If I think about him needing space because of us then I'm ok with that. Its just the thought of her interfering (and yeah, I know he's done wrong too, dont worry) thats panicking me so much.
Detached input is what I want. Just need to talk basically!!
I've been going anyway (twice so far) and feel quite relaxed afterwards. Although the last time I went I was still talking about what to do to save our marriage. Then this bombshell comes out about the "other woman" and has made it all the worse.
If I think about him needing space because of us then I'm ok with that. Its just the thought of her interfering (and yeah, I know he's done wrong too, dont worry) thats panicking me so much.
Detached input is what I want. Just need to talk basically!!
Ummm - no I would change. It was like the slap in the face I needed. Thought long and hard about a LOT of things and felt quite good about what I'd decided to be honest. So I KNOW what I can do - if I get the chance to prove it.
Did say I thought it was unfair as to me this was almost my first "go" as I hadn't realised we were so bad. So I felt it was unfair that he might not give me another chance. I said he might miss out - he couldnt say either way how it would go but if he didnt try, how would he know?
Did say I thought it was unfair as to me this was almost my first "go" as I hadn't realised we were so bad. So I felt it was unfair that he might not give me another chance. I said he might miss out - he couldnt say either way how it would go but if he didnt try, how would he know?
Chelle - yes, I agree he's being unfair. He knows he is - he admits it - but says his head is going round and round at the minute. Just feel like I'm sitting waiting for the death sentence (or not). I've probably not helped at the start when he went to his mams coz I was crying down the phone (so was he!) and saying how bad it was etc. He says he still loves me mind and always will. He doesn't love this other woman (actually laughed in shock when I asked). He was sobbing his heart out when he left and when he got to his mams.
China Doll - I want him back and I want to be happy. I know how hard I need to work but so will he if thats what happens. Even happy to be a bit more independent from him and go out with friends more (which I haven't done for far too long). He knows all this, I said it to him before he went.
Lofty Lottie - no, its a different person. Horrible though coz I want to speak to her but not sure what I'd say. Lots of people say keep your dignity and dont bother but others say have your day with her!!
I just sit wondering all the time if he's with her, what he's doing etc. Wish I could switch my mind off. My thoughts have been wrong mind as I've found out!!
China Doll - I want him back and I want to be happy. I know how hard I need to work but so will he if thats what happens. Even happy to be a bit more independent from him and go out with friends more (which I haven't done for far too long). He knows all this, I said it to him before he went.
Lofty Lottie - no, its a different person. Horrible though coz I want to speak to her but not sure what I'd say. Lots of people say keep your dignity and dont bother but others say have your day with her!!
I just sit wondering all the time if he's with her, what he's doing etc. Wish I could switch my mind off. My thoughts have been wrong mind as I've found out!!
Buffy. Is this person he talks to aware of how he feels about her. She may not be. I presume it is not her who is sending the texts etc. and you are talking about the first woman. As i said before, it is easy to form attachments to someone who listens and sympathises. I wouldn't approach her in an aggressive way, but it might be a good idea to let her know how your hubbie feels about her. It might come as a shock.
He does sound a bit weak - going back to his Mum's!! He should have stayed so you could really sort it out together and both think!! You might find you may not want him back at all.
He does sound a bit weak - going back to his Mum's!! He should have stayed so you could really sort it out together and both think!! You might find you may not want him back at all.
Really sorry to read this..... I have a very strong belief on this type on thing, and it's this..... Some people seem to think that "The Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence". What they don't realise (usually after it's way to late to go back) it is just GRASS. Men are usually quite shallow and this 'woman' has obviously shown an interest in him which has sent his ego off the scale. Get your glad rags on, hair done, make up, killer heals and go out with the girls. Let him see what he'll be missing. Another point is, if he decides to stay with you, will you ever trust him again and will your relationship ever be the same again. I know you have invested 22 years of your life with him but you deserve to be with someone who WANTS you not staying because he hasn't got the balls to leave. Good luck x x x
If he is unwilling to see relate with you.. can you keep going on your own.. and perhaps suggest you try to recapture some of what you both fell in love with each other all those years ago.
Surely 22 years cannot be thrown away without a last effort???
Suggest going on a date.. have rules for topics you cant discuss! (ie HER!)
Try to get the old spirit of love and feelings going again!!
Send him a love letter? Reminding him of some really special times you had together. Romance him?
Make it impossible for him to want to walk away.
You say you want the chance to prove you can change.. we now is it!!! No he isnt living in the same house as you - but that doesnt mean you cant start now! Before its too late!
Dont wait any longer! PLUS valentines is just around the corner!
Surely 22 years cannot be thrown away without a last effort???
Suggest going on a date.. have rules for topics you cant discuss! (ie HER!)
Try to get the old spirit of love and feelings going again!!
Send him a love letter? Reminding him of some really special times you had together. Romance him?
Make it impossible for him to want to walk away.
You say you want the chance to prove you can change.. we now is it!!! No he isnt living in the same house as you - but that doesnt mean you cant start now! Before its too late!
Dont wait any longer! PLUS valentines is just around the corner!
I asked him if he'd spoken to her to say he was thinking about stuff - and that she could lose out as well as me. He said no! I said well I think she should be told (I wouldnt mind doing it, ha!). Am assuming he has now - but I dont know. Its the dont know that kills me - has he done this, has he done that etc. She had sent some texts in the past but it was about the dogs at work (I went back to snooping, oh dear).
I did send her a text when it came out to call her a name (!), say I was always suspicious about her and why go after a married man. She didnt reply ...
Apparently he couldnt think properly at home - coz I was always there talking (which I was mind, it was like a dam bursting!).
I did send her a text when it came out to call her a name (!), say I was always suspicious about her and why go after a married man. She didnt reply ...
Apparently he couldnt think properly at home - coz I was always there talking (which I was mind, it was like a dam bursting!).
-- answer removed --
<<<<who I love very much and vice versa.<<<
Oh! that's a new one"
<<<He hasnt been out with her or anything. They have kissed (a peck). This is all killing me totally.<<<
Oh!....right.....another new one.
Well buffy...there is NOTHING that you can do about it and the part that you play in the equation is very small.
He is deciding whether it is YOU or HER.and the jury is still out, but believe me the verdict will be announced.
Oh! that's a new one"
<<<He hasnt been out with her or anything. They have kissed (a peck). This is all killing me totally.<<<
Oh!....right.....another new one.
Well buffy...there is NOTHING that you can do about it and the part that you play in the equation is very small.
He is deciding whether it is YOU or HER.and the jury is still out, but believe me the verdict will be announced.
Debbz - yeah, I said a while ago I bet you're flattered by the female attention - he tutted and said no! Well I admit if I get attention I'm well flattered! Good advice actually. If we do stay together I think I'd say that to him - I deserve someone who really WANTS me so it needs to be 100%.
Nosha - thats what I said. Why throw away all of those years all of a sudden? Will be doing all the stuff you said coz a lot of people have given me that advice. Hard to do when you're feeling this low and down but then again, I met a friend on Saturday afternoon and we were chatting with 2 young blokes watching the footie and it was just nice being given some attention!! So maybe I can do it.
Didn't know if I was being pushy by sending a card or not. I'm trying not to be so much in your face coz it hasn't helped recently ...
Nosha - thats what I said. Why throw away all of those years all of a sudden? Will be doing all the stuff you said coz a lot of people have given me that advice. Hard to do when you're feeling this low and down but then again, I met a friend on Saturday afternoon and we were chatting with 2 young blokes watching the footie and it was just nice being given some attention!! So maybe I can do it.
Didn't know if I was being pushy by sending a card or not. I'm trying not to be so much in your face coz it hasn't helped recently ...
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