Serious moral question

[McMouse]

Some years ago I knew a young RN Chaplain who was diagnosed with a terminal illness. He was told he had at most 6 months to live but would likely only decline and die in the final few weeks. Other than the Commanding Officer he told no-one and requested to be allowed to carry out his pastoral duties during which time he wquld put his affairs in order. He didn't tell his wife and very young children believing he was sparing them months of worry. I've always admired his courage but my wife was appalled saying he had no right to keep this from his family.

What do you think.

[mazie]

I agree with your wife McMouse

[bobjugs12]

Honestly, I'd say he had balls of steel.
I don't know if I could have gone through that without support

[bobjugs12]

As to who's right though. I'd say the final decision is his. He obviously had his reasons for protecting his family, and who are we to question his motives.

[China Doll]

I'd be very sad if I didn't know as it doesn't give you much chance to say goodbye but I guess in that situation, who is to say what is right or wrong.

[mazie]

His wife had to Bob, after he'd gone. She never had the time to say all those things that perhaps she thought she had years to say. She never had time to get used to the fact that he would no longer be there for her and the children. She never had the time to feel angry...Oh loads, but it would take too long.

[jackthehat]

I agree with both of you..............

[mccfluff]

not sure really, he may of wanted to enjoy his last few months without his illness overshadowing things but i think its somthing he should share with his wife at least. changes will be obvious as the illness gets worse, surely she would of known something was up?

[bobjugs12]

Maizie, I didn't say he was right to keep it, just that he believed by sparing her those six months of anguish he was doing the right thing.
I don't know what the correct course of action was, but I'm not going to second guess somebody who had moral courage and unswervable faith up till the end (by the sound of it)

[McMouse]

I can tell you he was a most remarkable man. He and I used to travel together to the military maternity unit where our wives were both in labour and he later baptised my son. I didn't know about his decision to keep it all to himself until after he died. I really can see both sides of the argument and hope I'm never put in such a position.

[mazie]

I wasn't being judgemental bob. Just thinking of it from the wife's point of view. Yes, he was brave in a way and yes, it was his choice but..... I would have hated it, if I'd have been the wife and felt a little resentment along with all the sorrow :o(

[rowanwitch]

Love gets things wrong sometimes....as a woman I'd understand how she might feel this is a terrible betrayal, yes protect the children, but marriage is for better or worse etc, Have seen similar with patients, and without fail it had a negative impact in the final stages, the loss of trust between family members and wiith the medical staff forced to collude with the secrecy as well ...I would always encourage patients to share at least some of the facts even if the final prognosis was held back until later...

[bobjugs12]

McM, my experience of military padres is that they are remarkable. They deal with the worst aspects of military life, from speaking to casualties in field hospitals, to comforting the grieving widows, to explaining to the kids why daddy isn't coming home. They also deal with marital breakdowns, suicides, depression, death and bereavment, illness and a myriad of other problems that may be thrown at them. In between all this, they still have all the other roles of a civilian vicar, so they conduct church services, baptisms, weddings, jumble sales, charity fundraising.
On top of all that, they are always visiting random people on camp, for a brew and a chat.
They are the most un-PC, heavy-drinking, chain-smoking, swearing vicars you'll ever meet (imagine Father Jack in a military outfit), and by Christ do they have some grand tales.

Padre's have helped me out in my life, and I know guy's whose life they have literally saved.

[steg]

bob has answered this perfectly for me in his answers

[Sqad]

What do you think.

Selfish, unreasonable and totally misplaced loyalty.

Imagine the worry that his wife must have gone through seeing him lose weight , lose colour, lose his appetite and and finally become bedridden. At what stage would he have ·"spilled the beans?"
His loyalty during those final months was to be with his family to help them prpare for his demise.

How about the wife? Might she have wanted to do things with him before he died e.g go on a cruise etc. What about finances? Wouldn´t she have liked to discuss her financial position before she was widowed?

Where does morality come into it? Clearly concern for his family was misguided.

[bobjugs12]

Mazie, I know you weren't. Sorry if it seemed like I was jumping a bit there, stiil mates lol

[36TEAK36]

I am in agreement with Mazie on this one.

It sounds a little morbid, but I have often thought of what I would do if I only had months to live. My first thought would be to carry on as normal and not tell anyone, but this would be selfish as I would not really be protecting anyone. I can say with 100% certainty that I would tell my family. I have 2 young children and as difficult as it would be, they would have a right to know that Daddy will not be around in the near future.

[tamborine]

hospital told me my OH would recover in 3w; died with hospital disease c.dif instead.

[mazie]

Of course we are Bob xxx

[bobjugs12]

I don't really understand your question intruder, and maybe this isn't the right thread to ask mate.